I went through nine long dark months of not knowing whether I should leave my husband.
I’d heard someone say once, “When God closes one door, he always opens another, but it’s hell in the hallway.” That’s what it was for me. Nine long dark months of standing in a hallway looking at closed doors.
My marriage had been ruined by an awful revelation, and now I had no idea what to do.
Watch: Robin Bailey and Bec Sparrow share why their first marriages were big mistakes. Post continues below.
I couldn’t imagine a future staying married, and neither could I imagine a future being divorced, so I didn’t imagine a future at all.
Another friend told me, “When in doubt, don’t take action,” so that’s what I did while I doubted. I waited. Agonisingly. Through two miscarriages. Through two more devastating revelations.
When I’d been broken so irrevocably that I couldn’t even recognise myself in the mirror anymore, I met Simon, a man I looked at through the cracked lenses of pain and delusion.
Over a long walk, I found in someone else many of the things I’d been missing in my marriage: someone that seemed to see me. Just two days later, I realised I had a crush on him, and I couldn’t stop talking to him.
I talked to my friends who asked me questions like:
If you found out your husband was doing the same thing that you are doing, how would you feel?
Are you trying to hurt your husband or just trying to escape how you feel?
What happens if you have sex with him? What do you think that’s going to do?
I didn’t know why I couldn’t get it together. I didn’t know why I felt relief at the idea of my husband cheating on me instead of anger or betrayal.