This article may be triggering for anyone suffering from a mental health problem, and won't be suitable for all readers.
Some time ago the fog was just so thick and the pain of living was just too much. So I worked with my mental health team to put a safety plan in place. Let me be really clear here, I didn’t want to actually die, I just wanted to be out of the pain that I was living in and there is actually a huge difference.
Living with mental illness for me (at least), is something that is quite invisible to the rest of the world. It isn’t just something happening in my brain where everything is misfiring and the serotonin levels are dropping but a visceral feeling in every other part of my body.
Mia Freedman talks to Marian Keyes on No Filter: Post continues below.
It isn’t a pain that I can just take a pain reliever and it will go away, or have a lie down in a dark room so that when I wake up it is gone. It is there - ever present in everything I do. This is what I refer to as the pain of depression.
Deep depression, for me, is when you simply can’t move and can’t function because you feel so worthless and useless, but you are terrified of failing and letting everyone around you down. It is wanting to hangout with your friends but not around people. It is caring about everything and nothing, feeling everything and then feeling absolutely nothing.
It is those moments of nothing that scare me the most of all. It is always a little bit scary when I can feel the fog descending. I never know if this will be the time or the moment that I descend into that absolute darkness that I just can’t get myself out of.
It was after one of these moments of absolute darkness I spoke to my psychologist about what I could do differently. How can I "make myself safe" when I didn’t want to die but desperately wanted the pain of life to end?
Fortunately, she knew me well enough to know that what I needed was a plan and she had recently done specific training on a tool called Beyond Now by Beyond Blue to assist someone in that moment when it was just too much.