As told to Megan Emery of September Baby.
My husband, Craig, and I had both been married before. He had two children and had a vasectomy. I was just over 30 and wanted kids badly so we decided to look at our options. We went to the doctors and were told there is only a 40 per cent chance of a reversal working and we would be better off going through IVF.
Jump forward to over nine years, twenty-two IVF cycles and 10 miscarriages, it was coming up to my 40th birthday. I was feeling disgusting and was giving up on having children. I’d just had my last miscarriage, we’d sold our house to pay for IVF and I was left wondering where it stops.
Maybe I had to accept that I wasn’t biologically going to be a mum and we should look at going down the path of foster care or adoption, or, I could just be the best auntie in the world.
Not long after, my sister’s mother-in-law suggested I call a specialist that was featured in her Woman’s Weekly magazine. At the same time, The Herald Sun had written an article on reclaiming confidence for those who had lost themselves. After reading it, I decided I wanted to be fit, fab and forty. I wrote to them about my fertility struggles, how I put on weight and explained how I was feeling. I was selected for an online fit camp and lost 20kg! I also contacted the specialist from the Woman’s Weekly magazine and that’s where our journey took a change.
Our fertility doctor was fabulous. She gave me a list of things she wanted to check and took lots of blood for testing. She said the issue could be with Craig or myself and suggested we do an IVF cycle where they test the eggs and the sperm. It had to be done in America and she admitted it would be quite costly but we will get a final answer, so, we agreed and the embryos were sent over to America.
Two weeks later, we had a conference call with our fertility doctor to discuss the results. I always thought the issue was with my husband but the results showed I had genetic abnormalities in my eggs. There were two chromosomes missing in the eggs which could cause fetal deformities and my body knew so it was rejecting my pregnancies. That’s why I was miscarrying.
It was a massive blow. I hung up because I couldn’t talk to her and I went through a circle of emotions.I was grieving, bewildered, upset, angry, devastated. I felt so many things in the space of twenty-four hours. I was an awful person. I yelled at Craig and at my family. I was just so angry. How could this be, after so long, my body couldn’t do what it was supposed to do?
LISTEN: The Mamamia Out Loud team discuss babies in your 40s: is it time we have a truly honest conversation about the fact it doesn’t happen all that often? Post continues after audio.
Someone I knew also had fertility issues and they went overseas to have a surrogate. When they came home with a baby, I remember how happy they were. I knew it was my aim in life, do or die, I was going to be a mum.