Socially awkward situations: they’re bound to happen to all of us from time to time. Some people attract them like a pervy relo to the pool at Christmas; I am one of those people (the social clutz, not the creep)
It’s not all bad though poppets. Having lived through many socially awkward situations in the course of my daily life, I’ve been able to put together some pretty solid advice on how the rest of you should be dealing with these moments. Read on. Thank me later.
1. The awkward dance/side step thing.
Right, let’s start with that awkward dance/side step thing that happens when you’re walking down the road towards someone and no one balls up early enough to claim the path.
Neither of you know which way to go, so you and the other person engage in a few minutes of bizarre shuffling side-to-side in a manner that closely resembles the mating dance of Amazonian rainforest birds. The action sees both of you repeatedly step to the same side, then the other side and then laugh at each other like the idiot hyena from the Lion King. How funny. Finally one of you muppets will actually claim the footpath and continue on.
If, like me, your footpath dance card is becoming all too full, here’s my advice: John Travolta that shit. What I mean is, get that Bee Gees groove in your head, squeeze your package (or lady package) into some crotch hugging white pants and strut. Strut like no one’s business.
If you look like you own that path, no one’s going to be challenging you to a concrete cha cha and you’ll get to keep your chick. The key here is just to keep your cool. Just keep going, and if people do in fact come into your path mid strut, have faith that your massive leg flares should sweep them easily out of the way. Fun and function.
2. Your garlic breath, you little stink bag.
Social situation two is more a problem with other people than you, but never-the-less its going to make you awkward so let’s air it out. Your garlic breathe I mean, you little stink bag.
I know, I know, we should all be able to relax of an evening with a crusty piece of GB (garlic bread for you youngens) or a steaming pot of garlic prawns without repercussions, but the laws of the universe say the next day, you’ll find yourself face to face with….. du du dahhhhhhh… A CLOSE TALKER.
You know the kind. They seem to want to stare down your face like they’re trying to find where the words are originating from. So close, that if you stuck your tongue out, you’d probably lick an eyeball.
Look people, there’s no standardised way of dealing with these personal space bandits, but my suggestion would be breathe. Breathe deeply, heavily and right up their nostrils. They deserve it.