On November 23, 2020, I decided, I was going to have a baby.
The thought of having a baby has been floating around in the back of my mind for around five years and on my 36th birthday on January 9, I gave myself a year to ‘get my shit together’ and re-evaluate this desire properly.
On November 23, I was two months short of my 37th birthday but I knew it was time.
Watch: The 3 person baby explainer. Post continues below.
While it is not unusual for a woman of my age to start thinking seriously about children, the difference is that I don’t have a partner.
The thoughts running through my mind are: Can I really do this? Can I do this without a partner?
On paper, there is no way I should be having a baby. On the pros list, this baby will be loved and truly wanted. But on the cons list, I’m single, I live in a one-bedroom apartment, I’m only part-time employed. Oh, and I have no idea what I’m doing.
Yet, here I am, perhaps incredibly selfishly making this decision to have a baby.
Deep in the pit of my heart, I believe that there is no partner out there for me. And it's not about pity or being unable to find The One. I just have a deep understanding of who I am and what I want from life.
I am undoubtedly a better person single. Single me is amazing; she is fit, she eats well, she flourishes.
On the flip side, relationship me is not someone I really like.
For those who say, ‘Oh but you haven’t met the one, hold out for the one’ I quickly rebut you: it is not even about the man, it is about me. It is me who is not wired for a relationship, this is all about me, and has nothing to do with a man.
What I do have is an exceptional support network: the best family in the world and an amazing friendship group.
Today I sit here 13 weeks pregnant and it feels surreal, but I never wavered in my certainty that this is what I wanted.