Chris is a 43-year-old widower with two children, Grace, 9 and Albi, 5. He lost his wife Renee to cancer when she was 39. His blog Just A Dad chronicles his life as a solo dad after loss.
I haven’t cried in quite some time. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. Doesn’t really matter I guess, as long as I don’t bottle everything up and explode in spectacular fashion one day while at a school function or kids birthday party .
But out of nowhere, tonight, I did.
Well not nowhere exactly, but it was a sudden onset and totally out of left field. You see, I was logged into Renee’s email trying to find some information and, in my search, chanced upon an email thread where my usually un-sneaky wife (she couldn’t hide a secret for the life of her) was conspiring with my family about my 40th birthday celebrations back in 2014.
I was simply skimming the contents when I found some humbling and beautiful words she had written about me and what I meant to her. It was as if I could hear her voice, something I haven’t heard for so long, in the words printed on the screen before me.
And it floored me – in more ways than one. I felt humbled by her endearing words. I was overcome by the same desperate sadness I remember so vividly after she passed. I immediately felt the dreadful hollowness of being alone, of never being able to have exactly what I once did, again. The tears flowed and I felt terrible guilt course through every fibre.