Behind every sexy Instagram snap that ignites a fire within your loins is a broken soul who is screaming internally.
We now live in world where our level of love and commitment in a relationship is measured by the number of “likes” the creatures with opposable thumbs deign to throw our way.
That would explain why it’s not uncommon to spy a photo of a couple with their limbs entwined and their gaping mouths suckling at one another right next to a snap of some poached eggs or a birthday shout-out to your Grandma on Instagram.
However, have you ever stopped to think about who is actually taking these pics? Who is holding the camera and pushing the button down to capture this slew of so-called “candid” snaps that are being birthed into the world faster than a former Bachelor contestant chasing down a papparazo?
Think about all those photos you see online that sweep you into a fever of emotional lust because you feel like somehow the heavens must have opened up and allowed this couple to be caught in the act, an act that just so happens to take place under perfect lighting, of course.
But you know who was is never, ever pictured? The poor friend who got roped into watching their nearest and dearest reenact a poorly filmed nature documentary, but instead of filming a pride of lions doing the deed, it’s your best friend Lily and her new partner Greg with the stubble she met on Tinder.
Let’s all now take a moment of silence to commemorate “the third person” in every sexy Instagram snap.
Those unsung heroes of social media feeds who ask for so little yet give so much, those poor bastards who have their eyes soiled on a near daily basis as they are forced to take a series of photos of their coupled up friends in questionable poses that wouldn’t look out of place on a budget Mills and Boon cover.
Photos that, at times, might be a little more at home in a computer file labelled “Tax Receipts” than on a public social media feed. But hey, it’s not like you can emotionally guilt a selfie-stick into taking that extra perfect angle at every turn.
Up until now “Instagram husbands” have been hailed as the behind-the-scenes champions of the perfectly curated social media grids, thanks to their willingness to follow their life partners through the inner city streets in search of that perfectly painted pink wall. Or for putting their lives on the line by climbing atop a chair to capture a pic of their lovely paramour innocently laughing into their cereal.
However, their day in the sun is over and it’s time to let the third person claim their rightful place as the true victim of social media posting.
No more should the third person feel their skin blister and peel because they are taking a photo of their friends necking on a beach and openly flaunting the rules of Slip, Slop, Slap.
Never again should the third person be requested to awkwardly straddle a restaurant booth in order to capture an Instagram snap of a couple touching lips over glasses of wine.
And never again should the third person have to trudge through cobblestone streets with a couple in order to nab the perfect “wandering hand-hold kiss” shot, and then have to sit in the car with them on the way home as they fight over who didn’t have the right “love face” on.
(I actually know a girl who went through this exact circumstance, I would have asked her to contribute to this article but the day after it happened she wandered into the hills and was never seen again).
So next time you spy a sexy photo on Instagram where a couple looks deeply in love… just remember there is a person on the other side of the camera who is thinking #Ihatemylife.
For more stories like this, you can follow writer Laura Brodnik on Facebook.
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