An open letter to the 'Scary Clowns': Stop hiding behind your masks, and get a life.

Dear dickheads ‘Scary Clowns’,

You remember that kid in primary school? The annoying, smelly, dirty kid who always picked his nose and took the joke too far? Like, someone else would make a fart noise and everyone would giggle, and then he’d copy that fart noise again and again until everyone was so over it they wanted him to fade into thin air? Because his low level of intelligence prevented him from a) realising the joke wasn’t funny any more and b) coming up with an actually amusing antic?

You are that kid. And judging by the amount you’re flogging the dead horse that is this ‘creepy clown‘ bullshit, I’m assuming you have always been that kid.

At first, I was just rolling my eyes at your stupid street-walking stunts. “Here go those crazy nerds, again!” I thought. “This will be the new PoGo!” But then, you had the primary school in my suburb shut down for a day because of a ‘lurking clown’.

AND THEN… you attacked a McDonald’s.

That’s my happy place, you bastards. Ronald would be SO disappointed.

Perhaps, for one millisecond at the beginning of this embarrassing month of media coverage, it was funny. No, wait a sec. The first guys to put on a clown mask in South Carolina were trying to lure kids into a forest. There’s a fine, fine line between ‘funny’ and ‘so f**king mentally disturbed they should be in a straightjacket’. Except that it’s not a fine line, it’s a gaping chasm. And creepily luring kids into dark woods is waaaaay on the straightjacket side.

Look, it’s not entirely your fault, Bozos. The media is a lot to blame here. News sites and journalists were putting out ‘warnings’ to other areas and countries that this ‘might’ start ‘happening’ in their neighbourhoods too.


Somehow, somehow, news travelled around the world, and now all you ol’ smelly kids are doing it.

But it’s not just that it’s dangerous and a public nuisance (kids can’t sleep, primary schools are sending home letters, and one woman actually went into an early labour, she got so scared).

You are not funny; you are dangerous.

It's that it's so lame, I AM EMBARRASSED FOR YOU.

I am cringing at the idea that in 50 years, I might have to explain to my Grandchildren that, "Yes, sweetheart, 2016 was a terrifying year. There was the Creepy Clowns Craze and there was Donald Trump. And yes, sweetheart, they can be easily mistaken for each other."


So, Chuckles. Do you seriously have nothing better to do than dress up as an axe-wielding clown? May I suggest a little-known service called Netflix? Not only is it great entertainment, it has a whole selection of horror films that you can watch from the comfort of your very own couch, without being the scum of society. For you, I suggest Stephen King's It. 

The world has enough actual problems right now. For starters, Bozo The Clown With The Small Hands might actually become the POTUS. In which case, I imagine all you numbnuts will be celebrating by pulling on your oversized shoes and firing your squirt guns in the air. That's right, I'm insulting you by assuming you support Trump. Just in case you needed that explained to you.

But if you won't back down from me calling you names, then let me scare YOU. This is a thought even scarier than freaky clowns. Imagine one day, you have children, and they won't go to sleep because they're scared of some stupid shit happening in the neighbourhood. Every time you close your eyes for some sweet rest, they will start crying about their nightmares. Your kid won't go to sleep ALL NIGHT. And then, they will cry for you EVERY NIGHT FOR WEEKS. You won't sleep because they have been emotionally scarred for life, and you will end up TIRED EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Imagine if you were a parent; just imagine that.

Not so funny now, hey? If that karma doesn't scare you into submission, nothing will.

So, you gutless red-nosed tools, stop hiding behind your masks. Get a life. Get a job. Get a clue. Maybe get 'The Idiot's Guide To Telling Jokes' so you can learn how to actually be funny. Or psychiatric help.

And everyone else out there, ESPECIALLY the media, do exactly what your primary school teacher told you to do about the annoying, smelly kid who won't stop making fart noises. Just. Ignore. Them.

Don't give them attention, and they'll go away. Don't be scared of the stupid clowns and their stupid eBay-purchased costumes and the white face paint that will block their stupid pores. Just roll your eyes and get back to Netflix. This is the last we will talk about them.

Shutting up.

Lucy G.