The following is an extract from Sami Lukis’ book, Romantically Challenged. Available now via Viking, RRP $32.99.
Ideally it would be nice to find a partner whose sexual bucket list is more or less on par with yours. And one who respects your limits.
I accidentally discovered that one of my hard limits is choking.
I say accidentally, because the first time a guy tried the old choke and poke on me in the bedroom, it took me completely by surprise. He certainly hadn’t asked if I’d like some subtle asphyxiation with my shag. I was totally oblivious to what was going on. I only noticed something wasn’t quite right when I started feeling pressure around my neck. And because I didn’t resist immediately (um, I was trying to process what the fuck was going on), Mr Chokeypokey interpreted that as a green light and started to squeeze my neck a little tighter and press down on my windpipe a little harder. That was my cue to physically remove his hand from my throat and tell him I was not comfortable with that particular manoeuvre. Thanks very much.
What shocked me even more about this situation is that it happened while I was having sex with the guy for the very first time.
Sure, I understand that some people enjoy a little erotic asphyxiation. But I imagine that’s something you’d only choose to explore if you’re in a secure, trusting relationship with a partner you feel completely safe with, even at your most vulnerable. It seems wildly inappropriate to try it out on someone you’re getting jiggy with for the first time. Especially without asking their permission. Or discussing it first.
If that wasn’t already the most disturbing thing that had ever happened to me between the sheets, I couldn’t believe it when I found myself in the exact same position on two other separate occasions.
The second time it happened, I assumed the guy was taking a little breather and he just hadn’t realised that his hands (and his full body weight) were pressing down on the base of my neck. But then he started to slowly tighten his grip around my throat and I realised I’d found myself in the sack with another cheeky choker.
On the third occasion, I was able to swat the guy’s hand away from my neck the moment I sensed where it was heading. Third time is definitely not a charm.
LISTEN: Sami Lukis and Mia Freedman on why some men like choking during sex. (Post continues below.)
After this happened to me three times on three separate occasions with three different men, I had to wonder if I was out of touch with some new bedroom craze and blissfully unaware that choking had somehow crept its way into most people’s sexual repertoire.
I asked my girlfriends if they’d ever experienced it. Most of them said they’d encountered a random bum slap or a surprise hair pull now and then, but none of them had ever been exposed to the old sex strangle.