Episode 2, here we go…
Um, can someone please explain to me why we’re not opening tonight’s episode with a montage of Bachie Wood standing shirtless by various bodies of water? All I’m seeing are aerial shots of the Girl Prison.
This isn’t right.
All episodes should open with a shirtless, pensive Bachie Wood! THIS IS NOT FOLLOWING THE FORMULA AND I’M FRIGHTENED. DO SOMETHING, QUEEN SULLY. If I don’t see some images of Bachie Wood thinking by the ocean with a voice over about looking for love, I’m going to forget that he’s a nice guy and not just some random Tasmanian who thought it was totally acceptable to force 19 women to compete for his peen.
Okay phew, here’s Oshie’s hair. No doubt released briefly from the Channel Ten dungeon to calm my nerves at this dramatic plot-twist of an opening. He walks into the kitchen of the Girl Prison where all the girls are just casually hanging around being totally just casual, which is lucky, because Queen Sully dressed Oshie in casual clothes today so he fits right in. The hair, obviously, remains its stiff, formal-night self.
He has brought the very first single date card:
Much dignified squealing ensues, followed by a 30-second talking head of Dr. Anal Glands telling us she really wants to be picked for the single date because she anal glands really needs the anal glands chance to anal glands convince us anal glands that anal glands aren’t all she anal glands talks about. Anal glands.
Okay, Channel Ten, we get it. You REALLY want anal glands to be a thing. You’re gunning for it to be this year’s #dirtystreetpie moment, which I can appreciate, but you just need to settle down with Dr. Anal Glands. Unless she starts saying ‘vaginal ulcer’ soon, I’m going to get bored. Don’t force it. STOP TRYING TO MAKE
FETCH ANAL GLANDS HAPPEN.
His duties fulfilled for the day, Oshie’s hair retreats back to his underground abode, and will spend the evening eating organic vegan food while sighing and watching VHS tapes of old Australian Idol episodes. #SaveOsher
Sarah gets the single date, which leads to much confusion among the other ladies. It seems this is the first moment a lot of them are realising that they are on a dating show called The Bachelor and on that show there will be other women dating The Bachelor. This appears to be a shocking and upsetting development. Much “I don’t like this/Sarah going on a date makes me uncomfortable/That’s not fair to the rest of us etc etc etc” follows. Nobody is comfortable with the fact they are in what is essentially a contest for Tasmanian peen, even though they all definitely signed up for a show in which they compete for Tasmanian peen.