Episode 2, here we go…
Um, can someone please explain to me why we’re not opening tonight’s episode with a montage of Bachie Wood standing shirtless by various bodies of water? All I’m seeing are aerial shots of the Girl Prison.
This isn’t right.
All episodes should open with a shirtless, pensive Bachie Wood! THIS IS NOT FOLLOWING THE FORMULA AND I’M FRIGHTENED. DO SOMETHING, QUEEN SULLY. If I don’t see some images of Bachie Wood thinking by the ocean with a voice over about looking for love, I’m going to forget that he’s a nice guy and not just some random Tasmanian who thought it was totally acceptable to force 19 women to compete for his peen.
Okay phew, here’s Oshie’s hair. No doubt released briefly from the Channel Ten dungeon to calm my nerves at this dramatic plot-twist of an opening. He walks into the kitchen of the Girl Prison where all the girls are just casually hanging around being totally just casual, which is lucky, because Queen Sully dressed Oshie in casual clothes today so he fits right in. The hair, obviously, remains its stiff, formal-night self.
He has brought the very first single date card:
Much dignified squealing ensues, followed by a 30-second talking head of Dr. Anal Glands telling us she really wants to be picked for the single date because she anal glands really needs the anal glands chance to anal glands convince us anal glands that anal glands aren’t all she anal glands talks about. Anal glands.
Okay, Channel Ten, we get it. You REALLY want anal glands to be a thing. You’re gunning for it to be this year’s #dirtystreetpie moment, which I can appreciate, but you just need to settle down with Dr. Anal Glands. Unless she starts saying ‘vaginal ulcer’ soon, I’m going to get bored. Don’t force it. STOP TRYING TO MAKE
FETCH ANAL GLANDS HAPPEN.
His duties fulfilled for the day, Oshie’s hair retreats back to his underground abode, and will spend the evening eating organic vegan food while sighing and watching VHS tapes of old Australian Idol episodes. #SaveOsher
Sarah gets the single date, which leads to much confusion among the other ladies. It seems this is the first moment a lot of them are realising that they are on a dating show called The Bachelor and on that show there will be other women dating The Bachelor. This appears to be a shocking and upsetting development. Much “I don’t like this/Sarah going on a date makes me uncomfortable/That’s not fair to the rest of us etc etc etc” follows. Nobody is comfortable with the fact they are in what is essentially a contest for Tasmanian peen, even though they all definitely signed up for a show in which they compete for Tasmanian peen.
SINGLE DATE TIME!
Bachie Wood waits for Sarah on a boat, where he gets to show his ‘squinting into the sunlight’ skills:
He mentions something about wanting to show more of himself on this date, which would be bloody nice to be honest, because so far all I’ve really got is he’s from Tassie and he used to have buck teeth and he kind of talks like a bogan.
The producers have really taken the whole ‘keep the Bachie a muscly blank canvas’ idea to a whole new level this year. I’m kind of hoping there’s some kind of bombshell episode where he reveals he once made a sex tape with Bert and Patti Newton. And I still can’t decide if the ‘Wood’ in Bachie Wood is referring to his peen or his brain. REVEAL MORE OF YOURSELF BACHIE.
All the girls gather on the balcony to wish Sarah luck on her date with their boyfriend, and once she leaves they head inside to spend the afternoon watching Malala Yousefzai’s TED Talk, and by that I obviously mean they spend the afternoon on the balcony spying on the single date using super-strength binoculars helpfully provided by producers.
We spend some time listening to Sarah explain to us once again that she’s the ‘career-focussed’ one, which we definitely would have forgotten since she’s not wearing her glasses and walking briskly around the city while holding a laptop.
Bachie Wood is excited that Sarah has “no idea” what the date’s going to be, and I’m sure the massive yacht he’s standing on has done nothing to give it away. Ugh love love date talk seagulls holding hands love boring. Something else about his dad’s restaurant something something. Can we please just go back to watching the girls alternate between crying and looking through the binoculars?
Yay! Back to the Girl Prison! A group date card arrives, which gives us the chance to see a whole bunch of girls who I literally had no idea were on this show until this very moment, such as this total rando:
Notable inclusions on the group date include Sandra and the girl who’s terrified of Sandra, which we all know means the producers are hoping Sandra will eat her face when nobody’s looking.
Back to the single date, and we have our FIRST MAGIC LOVE-SEAT SIGHTING OF THE SEASON, PEOPLE. It’s a magic love-seat bean bag, and Sarah is so moved by the effort Bachie Wood put it in to plonking it on the deck of the boat that she proceeds to tell him she came on the show because she had a dream believing that they would fall in love. Which obviously means even though it’s important that we see her as ‘career focused’, intelligence is optional. Also, dreams don’t just come true like that. If they did, John Oliver would be my husband and he’d be addicted to giving me orgasms while never expecting any in return.
Sarah reckons that locking eyes with someone means you’ve made a connection, thus successfully explaining to all of Australia how normal human interaction works. Bachie Wood then demonstrates the enormous importance of Sarah’s dream by informing us that it should be compared to Martin Luther King’s cute little thing about racial equality from that one time.
Jesus. End date.
Back at the house, Sarah reveals that she was given a rose and makes all the girls jealous by telling them about the magic love seat bean bag and how Bachie Wood compared her to Martin Luther King and how they looked at each other when they were talking which means she’s begun planing their wedding.
GROUP DATE TIME!
The first group date of every season always includes a Woman’s Day photo shoot, because it’s important to know which girls
are uggoes look good standing next to Bachie Wood for future Woman’s Day tell-alls. Tessa, the homeless woodchopper, freaks out because she doesn’t like having her photo taken, which seems an odd fear for someone willing to compete for a man on national television. Sandra goes bat-shit cray cray when they’re told they’ll all be acting out scenes from iconic movies, and the horrified look on the Woman’s Day editor’s face seems to be saying, “We can photoshop that person out later.”
Montage montage girls getting make up done montage “I don’t like my outfit” drama drama montage.
The group date mainly focusses on Sandra’s attempts to have fun and be sexy, which Channel Ten helpfully informs us is impossible by playing bumbling tuba music every time she grinds up against something (usually Bachie Wood’s terrified peen, which no doubt retreated so far into itself it hit his bladder).
The other group date drama involves informing us that Totally Laidback Tomboy and Cool Girl Heather is actually not so Totally Laidback and Cool, since she starts to get some major crazy eyes when she realises there are other women on the show that Bachie Wood is dating. She does not like it. She does not like it one bit. And now the crazy that she was planning to keep a secret until she had hypnotised him by skolling 52 consecutive beers is coming to the surface.
More photos more photos giggling crying etc etc etc.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Bachie Wood enters the Girl Prison and makes what is surely his 587th comment about liking someone’s dress. Things go down mostly as usual. Totally Laidback Tomboy and Cool Girl Heather pushes the Cool Girl Contest into overdrive by sharing a beer with Bachie Wood. He’s still eating it up, completely unaware that she has a secret collection of his pubes stashed in a little basket under her bed.
Wait! DRAMAAAAAA: Jacinda (the Poor Man’s Sandra in my opinion), randomly breaks down in tears because she feels like she needs to dial down her crazy in order to be liked. It turns out competing against 18 other women for the privilege of pleasuring one man forever is messing up her self confidence. “Maybe I am a little insecure and do have self-doubt,” she says. “I didn’t realise that until the group date.” Babe – you were forced to battle for a man’s attention against 9 other girls by dry-humping him while having your picture taken. Having low self-esteem after a date like that doesn’t make you a failre, it makes you a regular human.
Bachie Wood finds her crying alone in a room, and mentions that he “just happened to be walking past” when he saw her. (That’s code for: “A producer got in my earpiece and starting repeatedly yelling “SOMEONE’S FUCKING CRYING GET IN THERE WITH A CAMERA RIGHT NOW.”)
Oh damn. He’s actually being really sweet. He tells her that she doesn’t need to worry about walking on eggshells around him, because the thing that he likes about her is that she smashes eggs everywhere. And just when I think that this could be the first sweet Bachie, I remember that there’s no way he’s going to pick Jacinda in a million years, and even though right now he’s being lovely in telling her to just be herself, he’s leaving out the second part of that sentence, which is: “Be yourself, just know that the person I end up with is not going to be at all like you.” In about two episodes he’ll reject her and say that he loves her like a sister.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!
Oshie’s hair arrives to explain to us that there are 16 girls and 13 roses, which thanks to his extended training, means he is able to tell us that 3 girls will be leaving the Girl Prison this evening.
Bachie Wood, bless him, picks teary Jacinda first. ARGHHH! My cynical brain! Rosie no compute nice Bachie?!? We cut to seeing the rest of the girls smiling and saying things like, “Awwww. Jacinda really deserves it.” Which let’s face it: Everybody knows that if someone makes the sound “awwww” before using your name in a sentence, it’s because they think you’re kind of pathetic. Jacinda: Sister Love 4eva.
Some other randoms get through. YES DR. ANAL GLANDS AND SANDRA BOTH GET THROUGH. Be still my beating heart this guy is totally a producer’s minion but I don’t even care! Keep gunning for those viral hashtag moments, Channel Ten!
Some random whom I don’t think I’ve seen until this moment gets sent home. The girl that Sandra wanted to throw down with gets sent home, which is almost certainly for her own protection. Also, it’s weird for a non-caucasian to be on a commercial Aussie TV show for more than a couple of episodes.
And noooooo! The Homeless Woodchopper goes, which means the Cool Girl Contest between her and Heather is over. I was really hoping that thing was going to peak with one of them actually transitioning just to prove how much she can hang with the boys. There’s always next year, I guess.
Oshie’s hair comes out to break up with the losers for Bachie Wood, because if the Bachelor did that himself he’d seem like a dick who’s dating 16 women and just dumped three of them on national TV. Look how good Bachie Wood is at looking sad and remorseful while Oshie does his dirty work:
Much emotion. So feels. Very hair.
NEXT WEEK: The ladies are given the illusion of control by being allowed to vote for who goes on a date with Bachie Wood. Obviously this attempt at giving the women #independence and #power turns into a massive shit fight cos ladies be bitchy dumb dumbs.
For all of last season’s Bachie Recaps, take a look here: