And it looks like Channel Ten’s fierce feminist queen Sandra Sully forced her minions to catch a great one for us: Sam Wood, from Tasmania. Wood. From Tasmania. His last name is so perfect, I don’t care if it’s referring to his brain or his peen I just want to christen him Bachie Wood and have nobody call him by any other name ever again. BACHIE WOOD IS OUR GUY.
But before we spend the next few minutes learning about his personality by looking at various shots of him staring out onto the horizon while shirtless, I think it’s important we take a moment to honour the return of the real star of this show:
ALL HAIL OSHIE’S HAIR. His glorious, stiff, definitely-not-dyed, chocolately brown hair. The time he’s spent locked in the Channel Ten dungeon between Bachelor seasons may have flattened Oshie’s spirits, but it certainly hasn’t flattened his wonderful, physics-defying crown. It must be the vitamin-infused, nutrient-rich meal supplements that Ms Sully pushes through the hole in the door every night before she reads the news. Welcome back, my one true love. Now get out of the way so I can concentrate on my new friend Bachie Wood.
Annnnd there’s the shot we’ve been waiting for. The “Standing on the cliff looking out to sea means I’m a very sensitive man” shot:
This is clever editing to help us forget he’s about to date 19 women at once. Because how could someone who does so much serious beach thinking be an arsehole? Blake who?
Okay, down to business: Bachie Wood is 34, and even though Channel Ten captured him in Tasmania, he usually lives in Melbourne, where he runs a fitness company for kids. Blah blah blah loves kids would like to inseminate a woman as soon as possible blah blah blah. No word on whether his legitimate job is actually just a front for his secret stripper past (*cough Tim, Blake cough*). Lots of shots of him slo-mo swimming in a pool and playing with a dog and jogging in various locations.
And oh my God – we’ve just been informed that the Channel Ten casting department hit the sensitive guy jackpot – his dad raised him and his younger brother and sister and they’re just a perfect Aussie Battler family who got by the best they could, and now Bachie Wood wants a family of his own to love and cherish and this is just a casting director’s dream. #BachieWood forever.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
This year’s Sparkly Hunger Games kicks off with Sarah. We learn about her first because she has some kind of job that doesn’t include the words ‘event planner’. There are lots of shots of her in her everyday life walking around the city very briskly while wearing glasses. This is clearly to prove that she is smart and capable and therefore this show is not superficial at all. Just like the Miss America pageant is a ‘scholarship program’. Bachie Wood comments on her dress and sends her into the Thunderdome.
Annnnd the first ‘clearly not ever going to win’ contestant of the night makes her way down the driveway. Sandra, a heavenly over-the-top dream of a woman with whom I would like to travel the world terrifying other tourists, is relegated to the goofy music soundtrack, which always means one’s days are numbered. Getting out of the car to sparkly chimes/romantic orchestra = marriage material. Getting out of the car to the equivalent of Homer Simpson blowing into a bottle = three episodes, max.