And it looks like Channel Ten’s fierce feminist queen Sandra Sully forced her minions to catch a great one for us: Sam Wood, from Tasmania. Wood. From Tasmania. His last name is so perfect, I don’t care if it’s referring to his brain or his peen I just want to christen him Bachie Wood and have nobody call him by any other name ever again. BACHIE WOOD IS OUR GUY.
But before we spend the next few minutes learning about his personality by looking at various shots of him staring out onto the horizon while shirtless, I think it’s important we take a moment to honour the return of the real star of this show:
ALL HAIL OSHIE’S HAIR. His glorious, stiff, definitely-not-dyed, chocolately brown hair. The time he’s spent locked in the Channel Ten dungeon between Bachelor seasons may have flattened Oshie’s spirits, but it certainly hasn’t flattened his wonderful, physics-defying crown. It must be the vitamin-infused, nutrient-rich meal supplements that Ms Sully pushes through the hole in the door every night before she reads the news. Welcome back, my one true love. Now get out of the way so I can concentrate on my new friend Bachie Wood.
Annnnd there’s the shot we’ve been waiting for. The “Standing on the cliff looking out to sea means I’m a very sensitive man” shot:
This is clever editing to help us forget he’s about to date 19 women at once. Because how could someone who does so much serious beach thinking be an arsehole? Blake who?
Okay, down to business: Bachie Wood is 34, and even though Channel Ten captured him in Tasmania, he usually lives in Melbourne, where he runs a fitness company for kids. Blah blah blah loves kids would like to inseminate a woman as soon as possible blah blah blah. No word on whether his legitimate job is actually just a front for his secret stripper past (*cough Tim, Blake cough*). Lots of shots of him slo-mo swimming in a pool and playing with a dog and jogging in various locations.
And oh my God – we’ve just been informed that the Channel Ten casting department hit the sensitive guy jackpot – his dad raised him and his younger brother and sister and they’re just a perfect Aussie Battler family who got by the best they could, and now Bachie Wood wants a family of his own to love and cherish and this is just a casting director’s dream. #BachieWood forever.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
This year’s Sparkly Hunger Games kicks off with Sarah. We learn about her first because she has some kind of job that doesn’t include the words ‘event planner’. There are lots of shots of her in her everyday life walking around the city very briskly while wearing glasses. This is clearly to prove that she is smart and capable and therefore this show is not superficial at all. Just like the Miss America pageant is a ‘scholarship program’. Bachie Wood comments on her dress and sends her into the Thunderdome.
Annnnd the first ‘clearly not ever going to win’ contestant of the night makes her way down the driveway. Sandra, a heavenly over-the-top dream of a woman with whom I would like to travel the world terrifying other tourists, is relegated to the goofy music soundtrack, which always means one’s days are numbered. Getting out of the car to sparkly chimes/romantic orchestra = marriage material. Getting out of the car to the equivalent of Homer Simpson blowing into a bottle = three episodes, max.
Hey hold up. HOLD UP. Heaps of the girls are calling him “Bachie”. Why didn’t I copyright that shit? And don’t they know that’s so 2014? I’ve decided this year’s Bachie is actually called “Bachie Wood”, the meaning of which is yet to be attributed to his brain or peen. #BACHIEWOOD
Other car-exiting highlights include:
Shneszzshshshszzanananananaa, who from this point on will officially only be referred to as Parmigiana.
Some girl who is an ‘aspiring filmmaker’, which basically means she went to drama school and is now a waitress.
Lots of event planners/fitness instructors/giggles/tight dresses.
The few girls they forced to do gimmicky things – special mention here to the poor lady who made a balloon flower (which Bachie Wood proceeded to smell – that’s one for the brain in the Brain/Peen Tally to decide what ‘Wood’ means). I bet a producer only convinced her to do that by promising she’d get a lot of screen time if she did, and all she got was five lousy seconds of her looking like a goof with some balloons and bringing absolutely no shame on her family whatsoever.
More girls more girls tight dresses giggles blah blah blah…
EVERYBODY STOP. A conversation about anal glands is happening and I can’t even deal. Who is this mystical woman and why does she keep saying ‘anal glands’? Oh, she’s a vet. Bachie Wood looks frightened. I love her and I just want her to talk about anal glands for eternity. I didn’t catch her name but that doesn’t matter because I only ever want to call her Dr. Anal Glands. #DrAnalGlands IS MY LIFE NOW.
Emily is the last to exit her car, and does so to a princess soundtrack that would make Walt Disney himself cream his jeans. Okay, Channel Ten are not messing around with this chick. She is in the top three, guaranteed. In fact, judging by the misty filter and slo-mo smiles they’ve got going on, unless her vagina has teeth, she will probably win. THE ROMANTIC MUSIC NEVER LIES.
Alright, inside the
Thunderdome mansion and shit is already going down in this Sparkly Hunger Games of death. Now they’ve seen the prize, the ladies are getting serious.
Two of them get into a bizarre contest to be the coolest ‘Cool Girl’ on the show. You know – the kind of girl who’s a tomboy. She just likes to have a beer with the guys and watch sports and hates wearing dresses and doesn’t want to annoy the menfolk with irritating ‘woman’ stuff. The filmaker-but-actually-waitress Heather kicks things off by asking Bachie Wood if she can call him “dude”. Ugh. Cringe. Then she talks about wanting to be his ‘mate’, and just wanting to ‘go for a beer’ with him, which he LAPS THE FUCK UP. Wow. He is easily played. This chick is smart. But then, not to be outdone in the Cool Girl/Tomboy stakes, some random called Tessa decides that she’s just so laid back and likeable and cool that she couldn’t possibly wear a dress for more than two hours, so she goes to her bedroom and morphs into a homeless woodchopper:
Tessa may have just put herself ahead of Heather in the Cool Girl contest. How the HELL can she top dressing like a homeless woodchopper? I really hope this contest ends with them both growing beards and bathing in VB, just to prove how much they can ‘hang with the guys’. Whoever stops menstruating first wins!
Parmigiana drops a massive bombshell when she reveals that she has a 9-year-old daughter (whose name had damn well better be Chicken or nothing on this earth has any meaning). This has totally called Bachie Wood’s ‘I would like to impregnate a woman with my Tasmainian seed immediately’ bluff – judging by the look on his face, his talk about wanting kids may have just been talk. He wants a few years of New Idea covers and red carpet club openings first. Oh, and when his star begins to fade he’ll need time to betray Ms. Sully and go on Channel 9’s Celebrity Apprentice. Kids don’t really fit into that equation yet. Sorry Parmigiana.
Boring boring cocktail party talk boring boring boring. Someone insists that Bachie Wood is the most perfect, sensitive man she’s ever met, because he remembered her name. Etc etc etc.
WAIT. Some shit is going down. Sandra is being glorious/crazy. I don’t even really understand what’s going on, but she’s definitely dropping grenades all over this party and OMG SHE’S HEADING INTO AN ACTUAL SHOWDOWN AND THIS IS SO GOOD AND IT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE OH MY GOD. Something about her bitching and then being called a bitch? I’m confused and frightened. Let’s try and break it down:
Sandra was sitting with some boring chick whose days are clearly numbered because of how sensible and subdued she is. Sandra started bitching. Sensible girl did not like that Sandra was bitching. Told Sandra to stop bitching. Sandra responded by saying it was really bitchy to call her a bitch just because she was bitching. Much yelling. I think I’m having my first orgasm of the season. Then Sandra went around the party telling people about said bitch encounter. Sensible girl was confronted by Sandra, in which there was more yelling and pointing. Everybody looked confused. Sandra was essentially having an argument with herself. Some random girl kept randomly yelling at someone to let someone else speak, which I think was code for “I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT BUT I AM ALSO A PERSON WHO IS HERE.”
Oh my gosh that was exhausting and confusing and I’m so in love with Sandra and I could just watch an entire season of her dropping nonsensical grenades all up in this shit. Some girl does yoga in her ballgown, and Bachie Wood gives her an early rose because he really likes her personality. Then there’s some VERY IMPORTANT WHITE ROSE bullshit that everyone’s stressing about. Apparently, if Bachie Wood gives a girl the WHITE ROSE (which must always be in capitals because MUCH IMPORTANT), that girl gets the honour of planning a date for Bachie Wood. So essentially, the WHITE ROSE gives one the girl the chance to have some control. Winning the WHITE ROSE is winning the chance to be treated like a regular human woman.
Annnnd Heather gets the WHITE ROSE, which means Tessa’s attempt at winning the Cool Girl Contest by dressing like a homeless woodchopper was a total failure. And now she has to go the rose ceremony in a flannie.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!
Oshie’s glorious hair strides into the room to remind the girls that they are currently on a TV show called The Bachelor and they are competing for Bachie Wood’s love and unfortunately tonight there will be two massive losers who are unlovable and therefore will be sent home immediately. And in the first heavenly time for 2015, Oshie then proceeds to break down the complicated maths involved:
“This is a show called The Bachelor. I have definitely not been locked in a dungeon underneath the Channel Ten car park for the last 12 months (#SaveOsher). There are 19 ladies here tonight. If little Jimmy buys ten apples and then takes three hours to walk four blocks home from the fire station, how many strands of my hair does Sandra Sully let me keep under my pillow for comfort?
Two. Two girls will be going home tonight.”
Parmigiana gets through. Tessa the homeless woodchopper gets through (may the Cool Girl Contest continue!). Some other randoms that I swear to god I have not seen until this moment get through.
YES PRAISE BE TO OPRAH DR. ANAL GLANDS GETS THROUGH. Every week I get to type “Dr. Anal Glands” is a week of my life worth living. (And come to think of it, last year I wrote “Bunda” over and over again and I ended up getting Bunda diamonds, so if I type “Anal Glands” over and over again then history suggests I’ll end up with a little surprise by the end of this season…) #DrAnalGlands
Boring boring more girls get through boring.
SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. SANDRA JUST GOT THROUGH YEEEEESSSSSSS. Clearly a producer’s choice, but here’s hoping they force Bachie Wood to keep her for at least a few more episodes. The only other insufferable ridiculous one is the lady who took a polaroid of his butt, but she is clearly just the poor man’s Sandra. SANDRA AND HER BAT-SHIT CRAY CRAY FOREVER.
Two randoms go home. One of them is the “I don’t know what we’re yelling about” girl. The other one I do not recognise.
This is it, you guys. This year is going to be good.
For all of last season’s Bachie Recaps, take a look here: