Here are 51 reasons you should totally have kids.
Whether or not to have children is a tough decision, especially when society is skewed towards expecting every woman of 'a certain age' to develop screaming ovaries and a sudden onset affection for all things pregnancy-related. And that’s when we get to make those decisions in private.
But live your life in the public eye, and for some reason that decision seems to become everyone’s business, whether you like it or not.
Ellie Gonsalves shared this week how her choices in the baby-making department - i.e. no thank you very much - have attracted a lot of backlash. But Ellie didn’t make this decision lightly. She shared 117 legit reasons she plans to remain child-free (my favourite was that her baby might eat its twin in the womb - something I had never thought of).
And while I support Ellie's decision to make choices about what she does with her body, and I would never suggest someone should have a baby if they don't want to have a baby, I do want to point out a few reasons that having a baby is actually pretty great. You know, for balance.
Watch: This glorious mess, little kids and big kids. Post continues below.
As a mum and step-mum of four, I feel qualified to speak on behalf of parents everywhere when I tell Ellie and her child-free mates what they could be missing:
- People will give you their seat on public transport for at least a few months, if you stare at them and sigh loudly for long enough.
- When someone asks you if you're pregnant, you'll know it's because you actually are, and not because a new YoChi has opened in your neighbourhood.
- You can binge endless embarrassing shows without judgement because everyone else is asleep at 2am.
- You can name your baby Exa Dark Sideræl, and then watch people's faces when you tell them.
- You get sweet parking spots at shopping centres when they're not taken by some dick in a Beemer who has Very Important Business to attend to.
- If you want to leave any event, you can pinch your baby and then look really sad that you have to take them outside because they're crying.
- Explosive poos make great stories at parties.
- People start to leave you alone at parties.
- People might even stop inviting you to their boring parties.
- Small children swearing will never not be hilarious.
- Your Instagram feed will be adorable, even if it in no way represents your actual life.
- The Instagram corner of your lounge room will be your tiny sanctuary that doesn't look like a tornado has been through.
- Prams are useful for shopping at markets, and for hitting people in the ankles until they get out of your way.
- You get to meet strangers in shopping centres who give you helpful advice on your parenting.
- You can get your boobs out in public and nobody is allowed to say a thing.
- You get to strengthen your immune system because you're exposed to every germ going around at daycare.
- You'll learn about the staggering array of small objects that can actually fit up a small person's nose.
- Loads of hours of unpaid chore labour (even more if they're in trouble for something).
- The opportunity to take out your childhood trauma on a whole new generation.
- You get to go for ice cream more than an adult alone could justify.
- You can explain mildly complex concepts and feel like a genius.
- You don't have to worry about what to do with your spare time.
- You've got a genuine excuse for not fitting into your jeans anymore.
- You've got a genuine excuse for your boobs looking like balloons three days after the party.
- You've got a genuine excuse for leaving parties early.
- You've got a genuine excuse for getting McDonald's on the way home.
- You can order nuggets in any restaurant without judgement.
- You can be a pretty average human and someone still thinks you're the best.
- You'll never be lonely while using the toilet.
- You'll never be lonely while showering.
- You'll never have to have a regular one-on-one conversation with another adult, because you can always rely on the added spice of a third (and fourth, and fifth) person chiming in.
- You can check under the bed and in the closet for monsters, and know with certainty that they are not there.
- That hot new Wiggle.
- If you want an honest opinion about your flaws (or even if you don't), you'll get it.
- You can burst into tears any time you like, and nobody will ask why.
- You've got someone to blame weird smells on.
- You can learn fun home hacks, like how to get chewing gum out of carpet, and how to wash carrot-coloured chunder off wallpaper.
- You get to colour in.
- Kids have the guts and lack of filter to tell people what you really think of them.
- You can go to Disneyland for your holidays without shame.
- When people ask you what you've got on this weekend, you never have to sigh, look off into the middle distance and say, "Nothing".
- You can spend a small fortune on Taylor Swift tickets and pretend it's 'for the children'.
- Grade 3 maths the second time makes you feel like a genius (although grade 5 maths, not so much).
- You're actually expected to have dark circles under your eyes.
- Teenagers help you to become a better person by telling you everything you're doing wrong in your life.
- You don't have to worry about where to invest all your savings.
- You don't have to clean the inside of your car because there really is no point.
- You can start an art installation in your laundry with all the single socks you now own.
- You don't need to match a childless model's 117-strong list of reasons to not have kids because you've got school pick-ups to do and ballet classes to go to, and washing to hang out, and dinner to cook, and rugby practice to pick up someone else's kids from, because they did it for you last week.
Do you have any reasons of your own that you'd like to share? Feel free to comment below!
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