fashion

ROAD TEST: "I tried those $8 'tit rabbit' breast stickers. It didn't end well."

We’ve all been marketed those weird and wonderful lifestyle products on Facebook and wondered why the hell they’re targeting us with them. Who has a need for “cameltoe underwear”? But occasionally, a *thing* catches our eye. 

Blogger and mum of three, Laura Mazza, found herself in that position when she added the viral Invisible Breast Lifters to her basket. On the Groupon website, these reusable stick-on devices purport to provide “ideal support when using strapless, backless or deep front plunge” clothing.

Here, Laura shares her…thoughts.

Okay, here is a review of these ‘invisible breast lifters’ or what I like to call tit rabbits.

After reading all the comments about this product and watching the video, I felt convinced that tit rabbits would lift my three-childrened, breastfeeding boobs that now resemble tennis balls in old socks. So I purchased a set.

Invisible Breast Lifting Stickers
The picture that sold me the dream. Image via Groupon.
Rabbit breast tape
They claim to feature "lifting properties and can be worn under thin tops and dresses and can be reused several times." Image via Groupon.
ADVERTISEMENT

I got the delivery, peeled off the protective layer and lifted up my meatless lost dreams of hope (my boobs) and applied the tit bunnies to both.

After ironing some skin wrinkles (wish I was joking), they held up! They seemed to work!

I went from daisy the cow to Pamela Anderson in a matter of minutes.

Watch this video to learn some fun facts about big boobs. Post continues below.

Video via MMC

Why are tit rabbits great, ‘til they gotta be great?

An hour into my outing at a very busy venue, wearing a very low-cut top and sporting two pushed-up cat flaps... I began to feel loose.

Suddenly, my tit bunnies' ears were hanging forward as they had slipped off, and were now hanging down my top. Looking like I had a stroke, with one perfect looking shoulder boulder and the other looking like a bacon hanger, I tried to press it back onto my chest to reapply it. But wouldn’t you know, the sticky decided not to be sticky.

I went to the bathroom where I decided I was going to take them off, so I wasn’t so noticeably uneven and let my nipple holsters just hang like a couple of monkeys off a tree.

Except, the left one didn’t want to budge. Like at all...

I’m in a very busy toilet cubicle, trying to rip these things off my Danny Devitos, and I can feel my left nipple wanting to peel off with it. It sounded like I was giving birth as I felt every hair I’d ever had on my chest (and been teased for as a teen) was being ripped from my skin, and my areolas were slowly being removed like chocolate ripple biscuits, ready to be dipped in coffee.

ADVERTISEMENT

Someone asked if I was okay, and through a tiny cubicle crack I told the lady what was happening.

She said, “I’ve got tape! I’ll help you!”

So, after about 200 strangers entered the bathroom and took turns trying to squeeze my boob like a hamburger into these breast bunnies and lift them up like they were deadlifters, I was sticky taped like a mummy and sent on my way.

Boob tape image
The mission was not a success. Image: supplied.

I partied for a few more hours, laughing and drinking the night away, and thought I had gotten away with my faux pas! I even bumped into the women and bought them drinks.

Until I got in the taxi, where I exploded out and the stickiness on both boob bunnies released my Mary-Kate and Ashleys like a rubber band, pretty much flinging the driver in the face.

Never have I ever thrown money so quick at a cabbie, and given such a gigantic tip, as I proceeded to climb out of the window and yell "keep the change!" while trying to hold in my Fetty Waps.

So if you’re wondering if the ads are true: no. They don’t work.

This post originally appeared on Laura Mazza's Facebook page and was republished here with full permission.

00:00 / ???