Dear Prince Harry (or, as you shall soon be known, hubby),
Welcome to Australia. You’re obviously here to find me, because it’s time, babe.
You’ve had your fun messing around with girls like Chelsy and Cressida, but it’s time for you to find some princess-wife material. And it just so happens, I am of such quality princess-wife material, that I’m practically vicuña wool*.
For starters, dear Hubbykins, I’m up to date on my research. You’re an Apache pilot (I’m pretty sure Apache is a type of helicopter, or a French baked good), and given that you need a wife with an understanding of your passionate career, I have watched and re-watched a documentary on Apache pilots.
Okay, it is an interview with you talking about being an Apache pilot.
Okay, I watched some of it and then found a bit where you accidentally lifted your shirt and showed a bit of midriff then ran off to be a hero, so then I just focused on watching that bit over and over again.
But still, I’m up to date on my research. Of your abs:
Obviously, you have been looking at the wrong girls. If you want a good wife, you have to look at the most important traits. Kate Middleton. Mary Donaldson. Jasmine. Belle. What do they have in common? Brown hair. I’m not being a hairist, I’m just sayin’. Harry, you need a girl with luscious brunette locks. Me.
Speaking of Princess Mary, us Aussie lasses make good princesses. It’s because we are made of good stuff – strong moral fibre, salt water, gumnuts and wine. That may not sound like a winning combination, but trust me, it works.