An application to be Kate Middleton's housekeeper she can't possibly resist.

Kate Middleton is looking for a housekeeper. This is my chance.

Dear Kate (I mean, Duchess Catherine. Your Majesty? We’ll sort this out later.)

I would like to apply to be your new housekeeper. I saw the ad in The Lady magazine, which I don’t read because, to be honest, I’m pretty bloody ladylike already. But I came across your ad, and I thought it imperative that I apply (see how ladylike I am? Imperative is a really long word).

You see, I would be the perfect housekeeper for you, Kate. I mean, Mrs Prince William. Ma’am? I would be perfect because I really, really want to live in a castle the job.

You specified in your non-specific ad that you are looking for “someone with previous housekeeping experience, ideally within a large private house, and preferably within a family environment with dogs”. This is why I’m perfect. I keep my own house, and I do my dishes almost every second day. Sometimes I even vacuum, especially when I’ve been eating sausage rolls on the floor. I wouldn’t exactly say my house is large (though, there was enough space in the bathroom for a washing machine, so it’s pretty decent), nor does it contain a family or dogs, but my housemate had a small fig plant that I watered once, so I’m pretty good at keeping a house.

I’d be more than happy to maintain your clothes, as you requested in the ad. In fact, we can even do a bit of a clothes swap, if you like? My wardrobe may not have as many designer labels as yours yet, but K-Mart has had some really great stuff lately, so I think you’d enjoy having me in the house. You can borrow my owl-print onesie anytime, unless I’m wearing it or it’s in the wash because I got Nutella on it again.

Quick question: Does your bro-in-law Harry come over much? Maybe to play X-Box with Wills? No reason… just curious…

Anyway. Like you mentioned, I’m also good at polishing stuff (I’m assuming you are talking about cleaning your tiaras, yeah? I’m on board.) and I am EXCELLENT at purchasing groceries. I have learned that, if you are willing to compromise on quality and/or health risks, grocery shopping is much cheaper at ALDI. Do you have ALDI in the UK? If not, ask the Queen to get you one, it’s alarmingly cheap and rarely terrifying.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge: Second baby expected soon.

You warned that some ‘preparation of meals’ might be involved, which is fine. If I’m buying the meals anyway, I’ll just make sure to stock up on Lean Cuisines (or the ALDI equivalent, which is probably ‘Leen Kwazeen’ or something), because my microwave skills are second to none. Also, I can bake. Look at these muffins I made a few weeks ago:

New oven works well. I think the muffins are cooked. #paleorocks

A video posted by @lucygransbury on Mar 3, 2015 at 3:35pm PST

Don’t be put off by the sound my teeth made when I bit into them. They tasted great, like stevia-flavoured tarmac.

I have to confess, Katie (Midsy? Duchy?), I don’t have a UK driver’s license, as you requested. However, I have recently acquired a bike. I’m not a super confident rider just yet – I’m still working out how to lift one hand off the handle bars so I can indicate a left-hand turn – but after a little more practice, I’ll be ready to strap the future heir of England into a buggy and ride around Norfolk in no time. You may have to occasionally remind me which side of the road to ride on over there, but it’s cool, I almost always remember to stay in the bike lane.

And now for my trump card: I’m REALLY GOOD with kids.  Maybe even too good. This is a photo someone took of me while I was holding a baby:

See? Sometimes babies cry out of the sheer intensity of my good-ness.

We’d have a few details we’d need to work out, KM. I can do the Mon-Fri part you advertised, but as for “flexibility to work additional hours if ever required”, I was kind of hoping to fly home to Australia every weekend to see my family, and/or hang out with Prince Harry at his place (where does he live? Never mind, we’ll get to that).

Dear Prince Harry, Love Lucy.

You’ve also asked me to name my salary expectations. Usually when I babysit, it’s $20 p/h, so if I’m living at your place 24/5 (no weekends), my calculations lead me to AU$124800, which is something like twelve pounds a year.  However, I’m willing to do it for free if you give me my own tiara. But we can negotiate that at my interview.

This part of the ad was a bit weird:

Self-contained accommodation will be provided (suitable for a couple). The partner may be offered ad hoc maintenance work, although there is no guaranteed work provided for them.

Because I assumed that Wills was doing all the ad hoc work (what even is that?), but I can assure you that I won’t have a free-loading partner around to annoy you. But if Harry is looking for somewhere to stay when he comes to visit you (that’s often, yeah? Like, weekly?), I am willing to let him stay in my bed. As much and as often as possible. Very. Very. Willing.

I look forward to hearing from you, Boss. At the risk of being presumptuous, I have already booked my ticket. Me and my bike arrive in Norfolk next week. Shoot me an e-mail with the security codes, and I’ll see you at 9 a.m. on my first day. Well, probably 10 a.m.

Can’t wait,

Lucy.

PS. I really am very good at keeping a house. I haven’t lost one yet.

PPS. Please.