After recently turning the big 3-9, I decided to completely take leave of my senses and radically and dramatically transform my diet… Without consulting a professional for advice.
“Time to eat like a grown-up, Jo,” I muttered as I sat down to research every single food that has ever been accused of being a superfood.
I diligently noted them down and ended up with a rather long list:
Then, I went shopping.
Several hundred dollars and a second mortgage on my home later, I came home loaded up on all the foods on the list.
I spent the rest of the day coming up with meal combinations. I knew the key to sticking to this new eating plan (that I planned to stay on forever) was to be organised. The second it became hard, I’d let go off it. So I cooked and cleaned and diced and chopped and bagged and packed.
That night I had a bowl of pureed vegetable soup, which the kids loved too, and some fresh berries and nuts for supper. A good start.
The next morning I had a delicious breakfast of eggs, mushrooms and asparagus.
I ate fruit for morning tea and then lunch was a quinoa salad, my first ever quinoa. It was delicious. I mixed it with pumpkin, feta cheese, broccoli, zucchini and toasted pine nuts.
Afternoon tea was Greek yoghurt with berries, seeds, nuts and coconut.
Dinner was chicken and veggies.
I drank two cups of coffee and one tea. I felt so virtuous, so clean and healthy. I drank lots of water, took my usual vitamins (iron, vitamin D, a digestive enzyme and a hair, skin and nail formula).
Then I went for a smug jog.
The next day I had green juice for breakfast:
I ate combinations of the foods on the list for three weeks. Now, I have to tell you what happened to me. Let’s just say that I very nearly called this article “Butt On Fire”.
I spent the entire three weeks dashing to the toilet like I had stomach flu. I didn’t feel too sick, aside from a constant and mild nausea and I had to always be really close to a toilet.
“I’m detoxing”, I thought to myself, as I very gently wiped my now incredibly raw back end. “It’s just an intense detox. It’s my fault, eating so much junk food in the first place.”
I read on Google that a ‘true’ detox can take months, particularly if you have been following a poor diet for a while.
By the end of the third week I was waving the white flag of surrender, and a roll of extra-soft toilet paper. I ate a bread roll filled with tuna salad for lunch and pasta for dinner. By the next morning my toilet habits were a little more normal.
I was reeling. What the hell just happened? I was eating superfoods and should have been looking and feeling like a million bucks. I expected my clothes to feel loser, my skin to glow and a serene smile to be on my face at all times. I expected clear and shiny eyes, rosy cheeks and thicker hair and nails. I thought that maybe it was just detox and I had bailed too early, or maybe I have a few more food intolerances than I thought I did.