real life

17 questions to ask the person you plan to spend your life with.

Rosie. Becoming an actual grown up person.

The Internet loves a good ‘Helpful Relationship List’, doesn’t it?

20 Ways to Know That He’s The One. 11 Signs That You Should Marry Her. 18 Questions You Should Ask Him Before Settling Down. 1 Million Things You Should Know As A Single Girl etc etc love etc.

Often these lists feel like they could solve a problem that is specific only to you. “How do they KNOW?” you exclaim, while clicking on the article you are sure is going to change your life.

The problem is, once you get to the Helpful Relationship List That Will Definitely Change Your Life, it’s always so ridiculous and generic and overly lovely that it never feels that helpful after all.

Helpful Relationship Lists are like the Gwyneth Paltrow of the Internet – too much perfection and not enough farts.

So when I recently needed some boyfriend advice, I was forced to make my own list. A list that was real and included no inspo memes about ‘love being like a flower in the desert’.

Here’s my issue:

My boyfriend Dave recently moved in with me, and I made a big deal about turning my home into ‘our’ home.

I moved my bed to the middle of my bedroom like a grown-up, and bought matching bedside tables for both of us. I made (some) space for his clothes in amongst my clothes. I even bought shelves that would fit all of his beloved books, even though I don’t entirely understand why you would need to do that much reading when there’s a perfectly good television in the very same room.

Basically, I was making space for another person in my life, and I couldn’t believe how fucking selfless I was being.

An artist’s rendering of the horror I witnessed that day.

I liked the idea of being an adult in an adult relationship who compromises about adult things like not keeping the bed against the wall because she’s scared of ghosts and murderers and murderers who have died and come back as ghosts. I liked that I was taking this big step and that everything was going seamlessly.

Then came the little wooden frog wearing a mini sombrero.

Now, given I moved my bed 30 inches to the left and bought freaking SHELVES, I think it’s fair to say that I was completely prepared to mesh Dave’s life in with mine. I had the absolute best of intentions.

Then, of course, he unpacked his stuff. Stuff that included a little wooden frog wearing a mini sombrero.

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I don’t know when I got it into my head that our tastes would be similar and Dave’s stuff would be minimal, but I honestly expected him to turn up with some clothes and a bunch of books that I would display purely for the sake of looking well-read. Everything else would be mine and the house would look the same and the exact way I like it.

I forgot that people come equipped with things called ‘childhoods’ and stuff with ‘sentimental value’. So when Dave placed the little wooden frog wearing a mini sombrero on display in the living room, I didn’t handle the situation with as much tact as I would have liked. (Let’s just say the little wooden frog wearing a mini sombrero is no longer in the living room. Or in any other room where there’s a chance it may be seen by any person who will ever visit our home.)

So, I accept that as smug as I was before Dave moved in with me, I wasn’t entirely prepared for the practical realities of sharing my home with a whole other human. There are things about this arrangement that I wasn’t expecting, and I know that he must feel the same way (finding my period-stained undies in the wash for the first time can’t have been the most pleasant of experiences).

And since I hope to share my home with this human for a very long time, I thought it best to take a step back and put some truthbombs on the table. That way I can be sure there won’t be any more awkward surprises involving little wooden frogs wearing mini sombreros. And he won’t be surprised when I don’t have a problem with eating cheese for dinner for the 8th night in a row.

So here’s my Helpful Relationship List, that is helpful only to me:

17 questions the person Rosie decides to spend her life with must be able to answer.

1. Do you accept that I’m happy for you to have your stuff on display as long as your stuff isn’t the worst?

Definitely needs a good soak.

2. Do you accept that I am the decider of what is the worst?

3. Are you okay with the fact I don’t know how to cook and have no intention of learning how to cook?

4. Will you promise to give me nothing but an understanding nod when I say I can’t use the treadmill because it would take too long to move the one box we have sitting on top of it?

5. Do you promise not to question me when I insist that the dishes need to ‘soak?

6. Will you also then accept that ‘the dishes need to soak’ is code for ‘I would like you to do dishes?’

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7. Are you capable of putting the toilet roll on the toilet roll holder and not just on top of the toilet? Because I am not and someone needs to be. We’re not savages.

8. What are your thoughts on vacuuming? My thoughts are that I hope the man I love (that’s you, Dave) likes to do it.

Toilet paper not on top of the toilet = functioning household. I once heard, anyway.

9. Will you act sufficiently worried when I am convinced that every headache I have is indicative of a life-threatening illness?

10. Do you accept my flawless theory that towels don’t need constant washing because we are already clean when we get out of the shower?

11. Do you accept that meals will always be eaten on the couch and never at the dining table?

12. Do you understand that the dining table’s sole purpose is to act as a storage space for the rotating contents of my handbag?

13. Can you handle the drain in the shower becoming so clogged with my hair that it acts as a plug?

14. Are you willing to remove that hair because that’s fucking gross and I don’t want to touch it?

15. Can you guarantee that you will always be available to be the big spoon upon request?

16. Are you willing to accept that I will continue to eat dairy even though dairy makes me fart more than any human should ever be forced to put up with?

17. Do you promise that we will never, no matter how old we get, trade in our couch for two matching leather recliners?

That’s it. If Dave is okay after reading this list we should be fine. Now all I have to do is wait patiently for his questions (and pray there’s no wooden frog ultimatums on his list).

Now hurry up and make your own Helpful Relationship List that is helpful only to you. It had better include farts.

Want to read Rosie’s recaps of The Bachelor 2015? Right this way.

Rosie Recaps: Bachie Wood meets his 19 girlfriends.

Rosie Recaps: Bachie Wood makes Oshie break up with THREE girls for him.

You should follow Rosie Waterland on Facebook right here. Also, she’s written her first book (which she thinks is quite humorous) and it’s coming out soon. Pre-order it by clicking RIGHT HERE.