We need to talk about what the men are wearing on Bachelor in Paradise.

We’re only two episodes into Bachelor In Paradise, sure, but I would like to make a hyperbolic statement about the attire of the gentlemen involved, if I may.

Shall I?

The singlets. We need to talk about the low-slung, will-definitely-show-bountiful-nipple-in-an-hour-long-episode singlets.

I understand that this show is filmed in Fiji, and therefore contestants are at imminent risk of awkward sweat patches ala underarm, but, fellas… let me assure you, these singlets are not the solution.

These singlets are so far from being the solution. Mainly because these singlets are the worst.

Oh, Zara McDonald and I debriefed on all the biggest talking points from last night’s episode. You can listen to that chat below:

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Firstly, every man who wears them looks like he’s 19. And a douchebag. Who likes EDM festivals. And has at least one drink driving offence against his licence.

Don’t ask me why, thems be the rules. You wanna wear a top that has arm holes the size of Tasmania? You’re gonna look a teensy bit like a douchebag.

Because my fashion advice will be in vain (this show was filmed months ago, but I also doubt Michael Turnbull, one-time designer of $57 #Mychaelsquad bracelets, cares about a millennial writer’s take on his #threads) let’s rank the absurd singlets from best to worst.

Okay, here we go.

1. Pretty silly

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Why the droopy arm holes, Jakey Boy? Why?

He claws this one back because there's no outrageous slogan AND we have some thick-ish sleeve-y strapp-y thing-ys going on, which really do balance out those stupid arm holes.

2. Yeah... no

Remember when I said these stupid singlets can often signal the existence of a royal douchelord?

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...

......

............

I rest my case.

3. Absolutely not

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Brett "WOAH DUDE DON'T ASK ME IF I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND" Moore should be slammed for arm loops this outrageous, but I'll take pity on the fact his back looks like a right old tomato in dire need of some aloe gel.

Still, it really is a very silly singlet.

4. Why, Michael? Why?

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C'mon, Mikey.

You're better than this.

5. Oh. No you're not.

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THIS SINGLET IS SO SILLY IT'S BLOODY FALLING APART.

Look.

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He's... literally... tied the straps of his silly singlet together because they're so flimsy and silly.

It's too much.

I need to lie down and eat Doritos for a while.

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