Miami Swim Week 2019 just happened and holy labia.


Excuse me.

There’s a crucial issue we all need to address, and yes, it’s the swimwear that just came down the catwalk at Miami Swim Week.


You may remember that last year, stick-on swimwear made its debut. The trend has since been dismissed as a cruel joke invented by terrorists.

But now, the tide has turned.

Yes, this summer's swimwear trends are made out of wearable fabric, which is a bonus. But they're trolling us and I won't tolerate anyone who says otherwise.


Watch: That time I reviewed a very confronting pair of bikini bottoms. Post continues after video.

Here are the 9 most bizarre abominations that somehow came to be worn by actual humans who immediately regretted everything.

1. The flap catcher

miami swim
Okay. No, but okay. Image via Getty.

It's like a dream catcher, but for your... flaps.

Also can be described as a clit hanky.

I shan't be wearing this trend this summer, on account of having genitals and not wanting to explicitly expose them publicly.

If you are interested in wearing this one-piece, however, please note that you must glue your flaps shut. Otherwise they will be eaten by crocheted fabric.

2. The business bikini

209 MARE At Miami Swim Week Powered By Art Hearts Fashion Swim/Resort 2019/20
Should you be at... work? Image via Getty.

Sometimes you want to go to the beach, but you know you have a board meeting straight after.

So you have to wear a plain white bikini with a blazer over the top. And they must match.

We've all been there. And this is the perfect outfit for that FUNDAMENTALLY IMPROBABLE OCCASION.

3. The shiny shower curtain

Oh Polly Planet Fashion Swim Week Fashion Show At Miami Swim Week 2019
I object. Image via Getty.

Ma'am the fabric of your bikini top is too far apart and it's distressing to me.

This whole look is like a shower curtain that may or may not blow open at any given point. But at least you're wearing heels - highly appropriate footwear for the beach.

4. The invalid rashie

Oh Polly Planet Fashion Swim Week Fashion Show At Miami Swim Week 2019
So conservative. Image via Getty.

From the shoulders up, this is a very sunsafe trend. How exciting!

But then... her breasts. They're... escaping.

Luckily they have a rogue tie underneath them upon which to... rest.

The tie around the waist would probably be somewhat distracting in an actual beach/pool scenario, but not as distracting as trying to ensure your bikini bottoms don't ride up between your flaps.

5. The vagina one-piece

BFYNE At Miami Swim Week Powered By Art Hearts Fashion Swim/Resort 2019/20
Unfortunate. Design. Image via Getty.

Is that... is that a vagina on your vagina?

It looks like a vagina.

6. The forgotten top

J SQUAD At Miami Swim Week Powered By Art Hearts Fashion Swim/Resort 2019/20
I like your top. Image via Getty.

Sometimes you launch onto the catwalk, and have a realisation:

I... I forgot my top... didn't I.

Yes, yes you did.


Look, this bikini top doesn't exist, which is problematic for most summer occasions.

But somehow, even without existing, it seems to provide more coverage than some of the alternatives.

I'll take three.

7. The world's worst beach bag

VICHI SWIM At Miami Swim Week Powered By Art Hearts Fashion Swim/Resort 2019/20
U got nothing in your backpack. Image via Getty.

The must-have fashion accessory for summer is a see-through bag that won't fit a) a beach towel, or b) anything.

The fact that it's clear plastic also means you can see any belongings you place in it, so tbh I wouldn't use it for wallets, phones, cameras, etc.


That leaves no purpose for the bag.

Maybe you could fill it with... sand? For fun?

8. The naked bikini that's also too small

MIAMI BEACH, FLORIDA - JULY 11: A model walks the runway during the Oh Polly Planet Fashion Swim Week fashion Show At Miami Swim Week 2019 at Kimpton Surfcomber Hotel on July 11, 2019 in Miami Beach, Florida. (Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images for Oh Polly)
Stop... pulling. Image via Getty.

The shower curtain is back but now the rod is transparent, and the curtains shrunk in the wash.

These naked bikinis, which have been around a fair bit recently, feature tiny bits of material that cover your vagina and boobs, held together only with untrustworthy plastic. It's dangerous both physically and... psychologically.


They claim to stop you from getting tan lines but ma'am tan lines are the least of your concerns.

9. The double standard

MIAMI BEACH, FLORIDA - JULY 13: Models walk the runway during an Evening with Saks at Miami Swim Week powered by Art Hearts Fashion Swim/Resort 2019/20 at private mansion in Miami Beach on July 13, 2019 in Miami Beach, Florida. (Photo by Arun Nevader/Getty Images for Art Hearts Fashion)
Are you fkn serious? Image via Getty.

Sir, I like your white t-shirt and mid-thigh-length shorts.

Do you see any iro... never mind.

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