'The mental load of pregnancy is so much worse than I expected.'

Listen to this story being read by Gemma Bath, here.

Okay, your period is over, when are you ovulating? You don't want to miss it! You only get one shot a month. Do you have enough sticky things to check your LH surge is coming? I think you should have sex again... just in case. 

That's my internal monologue you're reading. A monologue that's only gotten louder and more insistent the further on I get in pregnancy.

Watch: Celebs talk parenting. Post continues after video.

I was lucky enough to fall pregnant easily. Now, halfway through my pregnancy, the mental olympics I am subjecting myself to on the daily, has only gotten worse. 

It started with trying to keep my protective wall up. 

Don't get too excited, it's only the first trimester. Miscarriage is common. That weird cramping... is that normal? Why are you spotting?! Oh, apparently that's okay... only if it's the right colour. You really should be feeling more nausea by now, why aren't you sicker? Oh, there it is - the sickness - hold it together would you! You don't want your colleagues to know yet. 

Read: 9 things I wish I knew before my first trimester of pregnancy.

There's been so much excitement, of course. Telling my fiancé. Telling our families. Finding out the gender. Seeing our baby's little nose and little feet on the screen. We're besotted and excited and I've had a relatively easy run, pregnancy wise. 

But as I pass the five-month mark, the 'you shoulds' are getting louder. People are well meaning, of course, but the mental list of things I either need to do, or should have already done, is overwhelming. 

Do you have your unborn child's name down for daycare yet? You should. The waiting lists are insane.

Have you seen a physio yet? You really should if you don't want to tear during birth. 

Do you have a name yet? You should get your shortlist finalised so you can sit with it for a few months. 

Have you thought about your birth plan yet? You should...

What about a baby first aid course? You should. They book up quick!

Are you exercising enough? You should, it's good for the baby.

Have you started sorting out the nursery? You should do your research on car seats, prams, baby carriers... there's so many dodgy ones out there. 

I've just passed the halfway mark in my first pregnancy. Image: Supplied.  

Then there's maternity leave. I hate maths, and trying to work this out honestly feels like algebra homework. It's confusing, and there's so many tricks and ways to extend it and mould it to give you your final answer. 

What can we afford? Okay, but is the baby going to be okay if I go back that soon? Will I be okay? Do we both need longer? Shorter? What does the government give us? How does that work alongside my employer? What on earth are 'keeping in touch days?!' Oh gosh... what will I be coming back too? Do I need to tell them now if I want to come back part time... I don't know what I want?! Will my job be the same? Will I still... like it?

The guilt has already started too. 

You're eating too much chocolate, you really should reign that in. Stop laying on your back! You're not supposed too! Your shower is too hot, what if it affects the baby? Are you putting on enough weight? Are you putting on too much weight? Did that sandwich have mayo in it, I think it had mayo in it... damn Gemma, you're not supposed to eat mayo!!! 

I've always known I want to be a mother, and I knew it was going to be a lot. That it would turn my life upside down in weird and wonderful ways. But I wasn't expecting to feel so bombarded so early on in my journey. I have decision fatigue and my child isn't even here yet. I feel mentally exhausted and I have barely started. 

We live in a world where we have so much access to advice and help. Women talk now - they share. Which is so wonderful when you consider the alternative; fumbling through it blind and alone. 

Except when you're new to this juggernaut that is the 'parenting space', it's initially just an avalanche of noise you don't know how to wade through. There's just so much out there, and a lot of it is conflicting, too.  

Have you thought about hypno-birthing? Giving birth in a bath? What if you need an induction? Have you thought about post-birth care... that's going to be a b*tch. You'll need ice. Lots of ice. And adult nappies. Do you know the signs for post-natal depression?! Are you breastfeeding? Formula feeding? Both? YOU KNOW BIRTH HURTS A LOT, DON'T YOU???

As a woman in a heterosexual relationship, there's so much of this journey that is unique to me. My partner cares, of course, and he's taking on all he can. But there's no denying that the mental load of carrying for and preparing for this baby lies with me. They're in my body. They need to come out of my body. It's my maternity leave (as I am the one we've decided will start off as a primary carer). 

I can see how easy it must be to fall into taking on that mental load forever. How naturally male partners fall into second position, given the nature of how the parenting journey starts. And that's just another thing I am mentally taking on - making sure I vocalise that. That I am cognisant of not letting that become the norm.  

From sleep training to SIDS risks to getting myself ready to tick off my baby's milestones, there are endless things for me to learn and research and weigh up. So many 'rules' and must-haves, and definitely-do-nots. 

Mentally preparing to become a parent feels like a second job. One that's soaking up the entirety of my brain space (while I attempt to do my other job).

I can't wait to meet my baby and chuck myself head-first into this whirlwind. But I am already tired from all the extra things whizzing around in my brain - and hold your tongue, don't you dare tell me to 'get used to it.' 

I already know that. 

It's already on the long list of things I can't stop thinking about.

You can keep up to date with Gemma Bath's articles here, or follow her on Instagram, @gembath.  

Feature Image: Mamamia.

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