HOW IS THIS A THING THAT IS STILL HAPPENING?
It’s gotten to the point where the experiment has very much ended, there are no experts, and we are legit just following around four couples who are trying to live their lives.
Nick is devastated because his dad has been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, and his plan to move to Perth is no longer possible. This storyline is really sad and these are simply not feelings we signed up for.
Listen to Clare Stephens and Kelly Glover discuss tonight’s episode of Married at First Sight on The Recap. Post continues after audio.
Sharon is going to visit Nick in Melbourne to discuss their future and…
What is with these people flying across the f*cking country to see their significant other, and then getting a taxi from the airport?
We apologise as this issue should have been broached last night, when Nadia caught a goddamn cab from the airport after flying from Brisbane. We thought it and we forgot to mention it and – again – we’re sorry.
Ahem: If your partner FLIES ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO SEE YOU, you pick them up from the airport. In your car. They do not get a stinky taxi. Understood? Great.
Sharon arrives at Nick's place, where he is idly looking out the window with a nice relaxing cup of tea. Like... he wasn't at work. Or doing anything urgent. FFS.
We then cross to Alene who is spending her first weekend with Simon since they returned home. Simon was also too busy waiting at home for Alene to arrive to pick her up from the airport. Cool.
Look. We need to talk about Alene's booping of Simon's nose, because we like it a lot. "Did you miss me?" she asks, while placing her index finger on his nose, just like she used to do when she had Simon locked up in his cage during the experiment.
SIMON AND ALENE MAKE US SMILE EVERY TIME AND WE WANT TO BE A PART OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP.
Next we cross to Anthony who just perpetually needs to shut up, especially when he's not speaking.
"There's definitely been some second thoughts since the experiment finished," Anthony says, which further confirms our suspicions that he just stayed with Nadia to win this season of Married at First Sight.
Nadia has arrived in Sydney, and enjoyed a lengthy taxi ride to Anthony's front door.
"You look really pretty, so glam," Anthony says, and... ew.
He keeps telling the camera that it's a big call to just want them to play happily ever after, and like, he could tell you it's easy, but that would be a lie.
But.. WHO IS ASKING YOU TO DO THAT ANTHONY? WHO ARE YOU SPEAKING TO?
As soon as Nadia steps foot in his apartment he suggests they go for a walk or do something, and Nadia is clearly like, "um.. I was just on a plane and then in a sticky TAXI for an hour after that, can we just chill pls?" And he is all like, "Nadia," and in our opinion he says "Nadia" too much.
He announces they're going to the beach and Nadia suggests they grab a rug or even just a towel to sit on. He gets defensive because he doesn't own a rug and omg how is this even a fight.
Nadia is looking through her suitcase, probably to grab a jacket or like... maybe she wants to change her outfit for precisely no reason. Or fix her make up and she's too embarrassed to say it. We don't know for sure. But what we do know is that Anthony is definitely rushing her and it's rude.
"Alright Nadia, what are you doing? Just wear what you're wearing. You'll be grossly overdressed. You'd be overdressed for the opening of an envelope," Anthony says and OMG SHUT UP LET THE WOMAN WEAR A BALLGOWN TO THE BEACH IF SHE WANTS TO.
No. Nadia just needs to yell at Anthony, very loudly "JUST LET ME BE ME" and put on a lycra body suit with flashing baubles and sparkles. That is what John Aiken would say (R.I.P).
Nadia tells the camera she just doesn't feel like she can relax, probably because Anthony keeps going between barking orders and rolling his eyes. #RomanticGetaway.
Nick is showing off Melbourne to Sharon in an attempt to convince her to move.
But Sharon is smart and also independent. So she whips out a pen, grabs a serviette and says "Alright. What's happening in the next three months?" Her attitude is legit inspiring and everyone could do with being a lil' more like Sharon in our opinion.
She asks Nick if she can move in with him, and when. She's so... organised. She compiles a list of all the sh*t she has to do and goodness we like this very much.
Nick has an answer to all her questions, and says they should start looking to buy a property.
But there's one thing they fail to touch on...
Where... where's Michelle going to live? Like she's obviously coming. But will they have a spare room or a granny flat? It's unclear. Also, does Michelle still have Nick on Snapchat? It's unconfirmed but we hope they bring that up during the reunion, please.
Sharon says she is very much in love with Nick, and we have a feeling that a mobile tower in Perth is pinging right now with a text from Michelle to Jesse saying "Hey! How r u? Still think about u... xxx." MICHELLE, PLS.
Alene is worried that Simon's feelings have changed since they moved - which is frankly ridiculous because Alene is the best thing to have happened to anyone's life.
She asks him directly, and Simon says, "They've grown a hell of a lot more since we left that place," which is the first time he has directly mentioned the cage he lived in for the duration of the experiment. He then boops Alene on the nose, and if this isn't love we don't know what is.
In Sydney, it's unclear if Anthony is trying to be a d*ck, or if it's just be accident.
"At our age we have to make the right call," which precisely no woman, ever, in the history of the world has wanted to hear.
He then talks about how he is a very empathetic person, but he's starting to feel like Nadia's day to day issues, that everyone deals with, are becoming his issues.
WHAT IS HAPPENING.
That... that is literally the definition of a relationship. And also the definition of empathy. We're pretty sure having a partner is basically about giving a sh*t about their day to day issues. That's like... legit the whole thing.
"I'm still trying to work out if this is long term," he adds, and we very much feel like that's what he was meant to do before the vows.
Anthony tells Nadia that if she were to move to Sydney, other than a little bit of family, she doesn't really have a lot of support. And that would be difficult for him, you see. As it puts pressure on him to be available when Nadia needs him, which Anthony thinks is quite inconvenient.
NO. HE IS JUST DESCRIBING A RELATIONSHIP AND WHAT IT ENTAILS. ARE WE BEING TROLLED RIGHT NOW.
You can't just sign up for a show called MARRIED at First Sight, go through a two month experiment, and then decide at the end that your lifestyle isn't compatible with a relationship. You legit cannot do that. John Aiken would be SO mad.
Nadia straight up wants to know: "Do you want me to come to Sydney yes or no?" and he can't give her an answer, mostly because his answer is defs 'no'.
The colder Anthony gets, the more Nadia loves the challenge, so she tells him to stop overanalysing it, and explains that the whole point of a relationship is for the other person to add value to your life.
Somehow they stay together and we're pissed.
Oh no. It's Andy. And he's being cute.
Look. We've avoided talking about Andy and Vanessa as long as we can. We're sure they're good people, it's just that... well... they're boring AF. But tonight sh*t is getting real.
Andy is waiting for Vanessa AT THE AIRPORT.
WE REPEAT HE IS AT THE AIRPORT. With flowers and a sign that says 'Vanessa', which is completely redundant given there is no one else in the entire terminal.
He then drives her in his car from the airport to a park where they share fish and chips.
Vanessa brings up the issue of Andy's personality and how it's not good enough, and Andy looks sort of sorry about it.
"You have no opinion about anything," Vanessa says, and in her defence, Andy responds apathetically.
It becomes overwhelmingly clear that Andy is not going to make Vanessa happy, and given he is non-verbal, telephone and Skype calls are just not ideal.
Eventually Andy says, "do we stop it as friends?" and in what is a surprisingly sad moment, they mutually decide to end it.
But... this presents another issue. A bigger issue, if you will.
It's the fish and chips. They're not finished. They're hot. Do you... do you keep eating them? It would be such a waste to just throw them...
Oh never mind Andy's just going to keep eating them.
Andy then comforts Vanessa, and walks her over to the wharf, where they both abandon their rubbish. Honestly, we got flashes to it all blowing into the river, and we're not happy.
Vanessa says that she wants Andy to be with someone who loves and accepts him for who he is, and we experience a slight twinge that may or may not be a 'feeling'.
Anywho, Vanessa and Andy are over when all of us just desperately wanted it to be Anthony and Nadia.
OMG SHHHH THE PREVIEW FOR NEXT WEEK LOOKS SO GOOD.
Cheryl is gonna start sh*t, Scarlett is being all half-American, and the runaway bride is (accurately) calling Andrew arrogant OMG WE CANNOT.
They are also going to confront Andrew with the footage from the boiz night in front of everyone and this is actually our porn. Except more pleasurable.