Okay, real talk.

We don’t know what the deal was with last night’s Married at First Sight. Nothing… happened. No one broke up, no one got slut-shamed, and no one was frustrated with their fake husband for not being Polynesian. As far as this show goes it was uneventful and, frankly, we were disappointed.

But coming into tonight’s episode, we feel like we’ve been lulled into a false sense of security and everything we know is going to come crashing down around us. Except Susan and Sean.

Nothing ever rocks Susan and Sean.

… Right?

We open with Mel Schilling ominously explaining that the "couples have been living in a bubble," as though that's not completely her fault for literally forcing them to a) get fake married and b) only interact with other fake married couples.

Just as a side note, we feel Mel maybe complained to the producers that John Aiken was doing too much of the narrating, and she would like a turn, please. So now they're letting her say some of the things.

Schilling keeps saying things like "natural habitat" and it's legit like she's talking about animals in a zoo. But whatever.

It takes two experts and five minutes to explain to us that all the wives are visiting the homes of their husbands. And that not one couple appear to reside in the same city.

Call us old fashioned, but we just feel like being with someone who isn't a 41 hour drive away is probs a good start.

Listen: The Recap team discusses tonight's episode. (Post continues after audio.)

You can sniff T-shirts and put as many goddamn electrodes on people's heads as you like, but if they live on opposite sides of the country that will become an issue at some point.

Speaking of issues, Simon keeps sugar in his fridge. Which is unplugged. So there's that.

Upon arriving at Simon's apartment, Alene becomes all of us when we visit a new partners house for the first time.

There continues to be little to no chemistry between Simon and Alene and it's giving us severe anxiety.

Over in Andrew's home town, Cheryl is about to meet his family, but there's an issue. Both seem concerned that Andrew's family are going to think that Cheryl is the same bride Andrew married on his wedding day.

But oh no, no. See, Andrew's original fake wife ran away on their wedding night, and apparently he never thought to tell his family.

Okay, pause.

Isn't it somewhat important to tell your loved ones when your wife is legitimately a missing person for two days? Furthermore, why did Andrew not tell them when she was found?

All he did for 48 hours was sit around looking melancholy, texting Lauren being like, "Hey, where r u at?"

It was TRAUMATIC. Surely he needed emotional support from someone who wasn't John Aiken. Maybe someone who would say "Hey, Andrew. Have you checked her house? Is she there?"

Because YES SHE WAS. That is exactly where she was and it took the producers two days to find her and we're not over it yet.

Eugh.

When Andrew finally explains to his family that Cheryl is in fact not Lauren, somehow they manage to put it all together and move on. At dinner, Cheryl says she's 25 but Andrew's family doesn't care because a) she's present and b) she's not a missing person.

Meanwhile, Sean and Susan have been in the car together for upwards of one week. But that's okay, because they never fight or raise their voices.

When they arrive at the farm, Susan says, "It's definitely the country."

Wait... wait a minute. That's not her usual tone. That sounds like... it's almost as though...

Susan's getting... flustered. 

She's resentful. She doesn't like the country.

She sees random gross food on the ground and is like "Sean, pls," and there's no aircon, and instead of wallpaper Sean has spiders.

Susan wants to die and she's not familiar with these negative feelings. If Sean and Susan don't make it there's no hope for any of us and that is a FACT.

Speaking of no hope, Michelle is visiting Jesse's hometown of Adelaide. He's 31 and living at home, which isn't necessarily a deal breaker, but it is for Michelle who never really liked Jesse all that much anyway.

If it was possible for Michelle to be any more disappointed in this entire experience, she would be.

Michelle's twin sister Sharon is in Nick's hometown of Melbourne, and is anxious to meet his friends.

You see, these are the friends he goes to "tha stripperz" with, where he has a membership. We didn't know you could get a membership at tha stripperz but HEY.

Sharon makes a few odd throwaway comments that seem to imply that Nick's friends are drug dealers, but when she meets them, they're literally nothing like what she expected.

Turns out they're all very nice, and one even says that Nick has "grown more in a month than he has in years."

Nick and Sharon speak only in cliches, about how they have a "good foundation" and are "going in the right direction." A lot is said that means very, very little.

The next couple appear on screen and we swear to God we've never seen them before.

...Who?

Who is... ?

Oh, right.

Andy's friend is mean to Vanessa, and tells the producers he doesn't think their relationship will last or that their connection is genuine. WHAT A SHOCKING THING TO THINK ABOUT TWO PEOPLE WHO GOT FAKE MARRIED THREE WEEKS AGO OMG HOW COULD YOU.

Oh. Oh, hell no.

Back in the country, things are deteriorating between Susan and Sean.

Susan just isn't keen on the goddamn farm. She doesn't like all the things Sean has to do. "You really need a wife to completely love your passion," she says, yet again displaying a level of empathy completely foreign to this show.

"It's hours in your day to devote to that, whereas I probably spend those hours doing completely different things."

She says even though Sean has all the qualities she's looking for in a partner, she's just not sure whether this is for her.

Na, this is f**ked. Never in our lives have we seen a more perfect couple than Susan and Sean. They'll work it out. They have to. No, like, they have to. 

PAUSE. THERE'S TENSION BETWEEN NADIA AND ANTHONY PLS.

In Anthony's apartment, the two have literally zero interest in each other. Nadia potters around the kitchen while Anthony sits on his computer. Cool.

BUT THEN Anthony's internet cuts out just when he was trying to place a bet (nice one producers. Really, touché.)

Question: Anthony, why were you trying to place a bet? You've been married for a matter of weeks and your wife is just standing in your apartment alone.

Whatever.

Anthony loses it. He's on the phone to the internet company and speaks to the woman on the other end of the line as though she is a piece of dirt on his shoe. 

He shames her for giving him the wrong password. He acts like a total wanker. Then he ends the call by saying, "you've been... I'd like to be helpful, but I'd be lying."

Nadia says in a cutaway interview, "Oh my goodness, what am I doing? Who is this guy?" but it's clear what she's doing. She's here for the gossip and the gossip only, and this time alone with Anthony is incredibly counterproductive and inconvenient.

Back in Jesse's home town, he's showing Michelle his family's fruit shop and she couldn't be less interested. He makes a joke about her working there and she's genuinely pissed.

She doesn't want to work there. She wants to go home. She needs Sharon. But Sharon is friggin camping with Nick and is spending approximately zero time thinking about Michelle.

Meanwhile, Andrew has set up a romantic picnic for Cheryl. He's written her a song and plays it to her, then gives her the lyrics to keep.

But then OH NO.

He leans in to kiss her and she TURNS HER FACE AWAY and says "nah, I don't want to kiss you," in the most dismissive way and WE WANT TO DIE.

WHAT THE HELL.

YOU LIVE TOGETHER. YOU LITERALLY LIVE TOGETHER AND YOU WON'T KISS HIM.

Andrew is so hurt and you can actually pinpoint the moment his heart breaks.

We can't ever move on from this.

The poor man had one bride RUN AWAY FROM HIM and now he's getting turned down TO HIS FACE after WRITING A SONG to a girl he THOUGHT HE LIKED.

None of this is okay. None of it.

We're back to Susan and Sean and we're not feeling good. Susan hates the farm. She says, "I don't know how much more I can take."

Susan, no.

Sean's tried to be romantic by taking Susan to a cafe in 'town' but she starts talking about how his world is completely different to hers and she can't give up everything she's ever wanted to be with him on an isolated farm.

STOP BEING RATIONAL SUSAN. PLS. THINK WITH YOUR FEELINGS. YOUR TEMPORARY, UNTRUSTWORTHY FEELINGS.

"Maybe we're not meant to be," she says.

WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Susan, you're just tired. And hungry. And you hate the farm. We get that. But Sean is everything.

Just look at his face:

We return to Simon and Alene, who are now at dinner at Simon's friend's house.

But conversation quickly turns to how the whole fake marriage thing is going, and, um, Simon's being kinda weird. He keeps telling his friend Katie to stop asking him personal questions, and when interrogated by a producer, he says he doesn't know Alene well enough to say whether he has feelings for her.

Dude, you've been fake married for three weeks already. What's the problem. 

The producers continue to question him and eventually he breaks down. He has tears in his eyes. He doesn't know what to say.

In a private conversation Katie pushes him further, and all he can say is "I don't know" and "I'm not going to answer."

This was hands down the most depressing hour of television we've ever watched and everything is falling apart, and now we have to wait until Sunday to find out what happens.

We feel sick.

UNTIL THEN.