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The Mark Holden Dancing With The Stars act that led everyone to ask: "Was he drunk?"

Picture an inappropriate, crude and possibly drunk Uncle at a rellie bash.

And then put him on a dance-floor.

And then dress him in a freakish clown costume.

That was Mark Holden last night.

Mark brought all of our nightmares to life on Dancing With The Stars. He dressed as a scary clown and then danced around.

And that wasn’t even the worst part.

He then proceeded to be an absolute dick. Here’s a run-down:

– Mark performed a circus-themed dance with his incredibly patient partner, Jessica Prince (we use the term ‘dance’ loosely).

– The dance finished, and some sort of WHITE POWDER FART escaped from his clown pants. No, really.

– Mark crept over to DWTS host Daniel McPherson and growled creepily “Do ya like balloons, Danny? I can get you a balloon, Danny.” while sort of pressing his groin against him.

– Mark tried to be funny by saying to DWTS judge Helen Richey (also known as ‘Australia’s First Lady of Latin Dance’), “By the way, I loved you in The Queen.” (Helen burned him in return. Brilliant.)

– Judge Kym Johnson said “I’m scared of clowns and that dance was really scary.” Mark responded, “I’ve got to sit you down on my knee and have a bloody good conversation…” while EVERYONE TRIED TO SHUT HIM UP.

– Mark blew a fart at Australian actor/dancer Adam Garcia (of Bootmen and Coyote Ugly and Riding In Cars With Boys, etc). No, really. And then he said “Andy…” (wrong name, Mark) “Andy, I loved you in your films. I can’t remember any of them.”

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– The judges commended partner Jessica on putting up with Mark.

Daniel McPherson obviously had producers screaming in his ear to STILL TRY AND SHUT MARK UP SOMEHOW.

– Everyone started talking over him, but he still left with a parting jibe in reference to the upcoming challenge on the show of swapping partners. “Honestly, I think it’s very sophisticated of you Channel Seven, I love the idea of a Swinger’s week.”

– Seemed to rant backstage about James Hird’s wife Tania, telling her to ‘lawyer up’.

– Mark scored a total of 4 out of 40 from the judges. Yep, one point from each.

In a funny and abashed interview this morning on Mix FM with Chrissie and Jane, he felt the need to apologise, and explain that he wasn’t drunk (as everyone on social media was assuming).

“Sadly I was possessed by the clown. I was entirely in character, it inhabited me… It went terribly wrong. I’m feeling the shame.”

“I wasn’t on the turps. That was the sober Holden.”

He also admitted in an interview that producers had a harsh word with him during the show. “They did take me aside. They weren’t happy. They were all trying to shut me down. I should’ve shut up.”

How’s Dancing With The Stars looking this year?

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