Picture an inappropriate, crude and possibly drunk Uncle at a rellie bash.
And then put him on a dance-floor.
And then dress him in a freakish clown costume.
That was Mark Holden last night.
Mark brought all of our nightmares to life on Dancing With The Stars. He dressed as a scary clown and then danced around.
And that wasn’t even the worst part.
He then proceeded to be an absolute dick. Here’s a run-down:
– Mark performed a circus-themed dance with his incredibly patient partner, Jessica Prince (we use the term ‘dance’ loosely).
– The dance finished, and some sort of WHITE POWDER FART escaped from his clown pants. No, really.
– Mark crept over to DWTS host Daniel McPherson and growled creepily “Do ya like balloons, Danny? I can get you a balloon, Danny.” while sort of pressing his groin against him.
– Mark tried to be funny by saying to DWTS judge Helen Richey (also known as ‘Australia’s First Lady of Latin Dance’), “By the way, I loved you in The Queen.” (Helen burned him in return. Brilliant.)
– Judge Kym Johnson said “I’m scared of clowns and that dance was really scary.” Mark responded, “I’ve got to sit you down on my knee and have a bloody good conversation…” while EVERYONE TRIED TO SHUT HIM UP.
– Mark blew a fart at Australian actor/dancer Adam Garcia (of Bootmen and Coyote Ugly and Riding In Cars With Boys, etc). No, really. And then he said “Andy…” (wrong name, Mark) “Andy, I loved you in your films. I can’t remember any of them.”