At 13, Maria Thattil experienced her first girl crush. Years later, she realised she was bisexual.

Former Miss Universe Australia, author, and activist Maria Thattil had experienced 'girl crushes' in her teenage years. But at the time, she didn't fully realise what it meant. 

"It was in the locker room, I was 13. Let's call her Jess. I was in a really big friendship group. We had all changed homerooms, and we'd just met. She ran down the corridor and I bumped into her. And she said to me, 'Hey gorgeous'," Maria shared on Mamamia's podcast HER with Sophie Cachia. 

"She was super athletic, had a masculine energy, and I was just really excited to see her."

Watch: Glennon Doyle on her marriage, sexuality, and choosing an authentic life. Post continues below.

Maria was then left to grapple with her feelings. At the time, there was very little bisexual visibility around her. And of the conversations that did revolve around sexuality with her school friends, they were often ignorant towards anything that wasn't heteronormative. 

"There were so many rumours about these two girls in particular being lesbians, and it was super derogatory," Maria said. 

"I'm so ashamed that being a young kid and not knowing any better, I didn't speak up in their defence. That made me even more afraid to acknowledge the feelings I was having."

Along with the homophobia that permeated her all-girls private school in Melbourne, Maria had also grown up in a very religious household as her father was a former Catholic priest.

It was a confusing time, trying to navigate not only who she was, but who she was attracted to.

"I came from a super strict, conservative family. [My parents] emigrated to Australia and were trying to raise me within the norms and values that they grew up in. We didn't talk about boys, they didn't even want me mingling with boys, let alone girls. I knew I definitely wasn't gay because I liked boys, but it wasn't just a black and white box."

Maria said the only time that the topic of sexuality began to emerge in their family unit was when her brother Dom came out as gay. 

Over the next few years, Maria "stifled" her feelings down for a very long time. Then in the middle of 2021, after returning from the global Miss Universe competition, Maria began to explore her sexuality. 

Listen: Maria Thattil was in the middle of the jungle, surrounded by mozzies, camp mates and TV cameras when she came out publicly for the first time. Post continues below.

"I had started dating women, I had hooked up with women. I've had incredible sex with one or two men. With a woman was so much more intimate. There's no rush to the big finish," she said on HER with Sophie Cachia. 

In 2022, Maria starred on Australia's I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!. While appearing on the reality show, she was raising awareness and funds for the charity of her choice, Minus18 - a charity that aims to improve the lives of LGBTQIA+ Australian youth.

While in the jungle, Maria sat down with one of her fellow cast mates and told him that she was bisexual.

"I figured, 'This might come out eventually, how do I want to do this?' It just felt like the most natural, safe way, like telling a friend and the country can be in on it," Maria said on the podcast.

Fortunately, the show was pre-taped, meaning Maria had the opportunity to tell her loved ones about her bisexuality on her own terms before the episode aired.

"The night before it aired I was so sick with anxiety. I was on the phone to my brother until 2am. What if people don't accept it? What if they judge me for it? What if they say I'm doing it for attention? You think you have to get this resumé you need to pull together for people to validate you."

But the outpouring of love immediately eased Maria. 

"It really was so raw, so natural, and so unplanned in that moment. I love it, I wouldn't change it."

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Since coming out as bisexual, Maria said it's been amazing to see people reach out to her and share their own stories. Sometimes though, she has had to deal with 'bisexual erasure', when the bisexual identity is invalidated, or ignorantly referred to as 'greedy'. 

"I find it disappointing when people suggest that being bisexual is a pit stop on the way to being gay. That bisexuals are 'just greedy'. Sexuality is not a box. Sexuality is fluid. It's not black and white. It's a good opportunity to educate," she explained.

"Sometimes you don't even feel like you fit the community that you belong to."

Earlier this year, Maria went public with her girlfriend, Jorgee Rae. The couple also attended Mardi Gras together. 

Now feeling open and free, Maria said it's a far cry from the woman who stood on the Miss Universe stage, afraid and unsure about how best to express the truest version of herself.

"The pressure whilst I was competing as Miss Universe Australia! It's not anyone's fault. But there is a real pressure when you're in that role and pitting for a global ambassadorship to be super careful about what sort of headlines are coming out about you," she said.

"I felt a little bit afraid to be human. I was so worried about this big thing. But right after Miss Universe is when I went to a party and hooked up with a girl. I knew I wasn't going to hide this anymore. No one, no institution is worth me not living my truest, most authentic life."

For women who are grappling with their sexuality, Maria said, "Try to take your focus off labels. The best way to figure out who you are is to just be outside of the label. Follow what feels natural to you."

"My body is not built for boxes," she added. "There are so many different ways to experience pleasure, and there are no rules on who gets to partner with you to experience that."

Feature Image: Instagram @mariathattil.