Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: 'He's completely full of sh*t.'

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HELLO YES WELCOME IT IS DINNER PARTY TIME AND I AM PUMPED.

Who will gossip, who will leave, and most importantly, who will step up and yell at Jack for us?

This also means everyone's honeymoons are coming to an end. To recap:

• Cass and Tristan are cute
• Eden and Jayden are cute
• Lucinda and Timothy seem to be followed everywhere by birds
• WHY IS JACK HUMPING THAT HORSE
• Lauren has decided she wants to get to know Jonathan better before judging him further for having so many good qualities
• Sara and Tim have had "a monumental breakthrough" a.k.a sex
• Andrea and Richard are seriously horned up
• The camera people forgot about Ellie and Ben and that's okay

Collins and Natalie are not great. 

There is precisely zero romance happening and they also don't share the same passion for... fishing. Collins problem solves by finding much more suitable, romantic activities, like four-wheel driving, searching for shade and not speaking.

Lucinda Light and Timothy are, thankfully, doing better — and that Tin Man persona seems to be... rusting? Getting oiled up? Is it possible to extend this metaphor without it getting weird?

Timothy tells her the highlight of their honeymoon has been her.

"Your heart, your honesty, your thoughtfulness, your eyes, your smile-"

OH MY GOD.

STOP IT RIGHT NOW.

"-you wear it all on your sleeve. I cover everything up, with you, it's there. And that's really cool."

Lucinda Light's lantern of hope is growing ever brighter.

OKAY.

IT IS TIME.

TO HEAD TO EVERYONE'S FAVOURITE TOXIC BRICK WAREHOUSE.

GET LUCINDA LIGHT SOME SAGE IMMEDIATELY

The vibes are immaculate, if you consider in this context that immaculate means absolutely terrible and ready for MESS.

And judging by the consistent ratings for this cockroach of a reality show, we really do love that specific vibe.

Enter: "an online gossip column" with a tale as old as time. One of the grooms — take one guess who! — allegedly dumped his girlfriend to go on the show. Wow, I truly cannot believe it, how audacious, nothing like this has ever happened before!!!!! etc.

Jack walks further down this well-trodden path: the woman accusing him of this is just looking for fame, says the man on a reality TV show! It was just a casual fling! She's a liar! 

Judging by his bright red face, he's telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

I BEET he's lying ba dum tssssss

Before we get to the cocktail party, two further important things happen:

1. Tristan says he is the Jay-Z to Cass' Beyonce, and -

2. Jonathan encourages Lauren to call Jack out in front of everyone because a nice guy persona does not mean you can't also be here for the GOSSIP

Everyone arrives in great spirits, even Collins and Natalie, who have bright futures on Home and Away ahead of them judging by the way they just switched from miserable to OMG SO HAPPY AND EXCIIITED.

Jack and Tori arrive, and Jack continues to hike up Gaslighter Mountain by telling Tim his ex is crazy.

Collins does the rounds, talks to absolutely everyone except his fake wife, and Natalie looks like a wounded puppy.

THEN SOMEONE ELSE REMEMBERS MICHAEL.

Thank God. I was starting to worry he was a figment of my imagination. The experts are still working hard, or hardly working, to find him a match so they can enter later down the road.

They'll never make me forget you!

Everyone takes their seats for dinner/drama except Natalie and Collins, who sit down late after an awkward conversation about Natalie's 'sourness'.

When Collins says they're in this together, she breaks down and runs away from the table, choosing to go home.

Natalie says a really heart-wrenching sayonara to the group, and Collins delivers a performance you just know he practiced in the mirror at least three times.

I take back what I said earlier about that Home and Away role. 

He's mad that *his* MAFS journey has ended before it even began, because this is no way near enough time to secure himself even a basic teeth whitening deal.

Google says there are 'nano-influencers', so good luck on your journey <3

Then, like whiplash if whiplash was fun and joyous, we're watching Lucinda Light ask Sara and Tim: "sexual engagement, was that good?"

Everyone is CACKLING and Collins can hear it while doing his piece-to-camera, which rubs salt into his self-inflicted wound. Farewell, Collins, we quite literally hardly knew thee.

Lucinda Light ponders whether some of the matches... look... alike... because... of divine orchestration. Richard mentions cock rings. Everyone else smiles and laughs and gets along well.

Too well.

Enter Jayden, agent of chaos and therefore my new favourite.

Bring on the man bun showdown

"MAN BUN VS MAN BUN" Mel says, stealing my joke.

Everyone is like, "wow we need to get to the bottom of this for Tori's sake and also to protect the sacred institution that is MAFS", but Lauren is like "INJECT THIS DRAMA INTO MY VEINS".

Respect.

Lucinda Light asks who Jack is and I genuinely could not love this woman more.

"I've got a disgruntled ex, basically," he explains.

Lauren and Sara begin firing questions and then RICHARD JOINS IN. OKAY, RICHARD. GO OFF.

Jack says it was an exclusive but "very casual" relationship and his ex was way more into him than he was into her. He starts talking about her "colourful past", by saying he'd never talk about her colourful past, and claims she is crazy.

Everyone fully believes him, of course.

Zero lies detected!

Jack thinks he did really well and nipped it "in the butt". I believe the bud, however, remains unnipped.

Finally, someone asks Tori what she thinks.

That's nice. It does feel important to this entire *thing*.

She's willing to give Jack the benefit of the doubt, is absolutely happy and says she doesn't actually care about anything he did prior to the experiment.

Jack publicly applauds her for having his back and the ick... is icking. Thankfully, Lauren, and her eyes of differing abilities, are watching him like a hawk.

"He's completely full of sh*t," she tells Jonathan. Two-hundred and seventy-two episodes of this show — yes! I did math! — has me agreeing with her.

See you tomorrow night.

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here:

• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Lucinda is the MAFS hero we need.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: One groom discovers that marrying a stranger is... a lot.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: We will not be listening to this man's podcast.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The season's most chaotic bride.
  

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Feature image: Nine.