For anyone who didn’t see Fifty Shades of Grey, it was your classic love story.
It went down a little something like this…
Boy meets girl. Girl stacks it over nothing as she enters his office. They develop feelings. Boy warns girl not to go near him. Girl makes drunk phone call. Boy follows girl, and then plays hot and cold before revealing sex dungeon and presenting complex contract. Girl likes boy because he has helicopter and is handsome, but not sure about butt plugs or anal fisting. Boy smacks girl – she likes it. But then later he smacks her harder and she cries coz she doesn’t know why he wants to hurt her.
Yes, well, Fifty Shades Darker has been released just in time for Valentine’s Day and we couldn’t bloody wait. So we went and saw it – and then had to immediately debrief.
Here’s how it went down.
Just FYI, huge spoilers for Fifty Shades Darker can be found below.
Jessie: I can’t… I can’t express my relief that they fixed her godforsaken fringe in this movie. I feel like during the first movie I was in a perpetual state of anxiety because it was so wonky and problematic, but now it just looks so much less DIY.
Luca: Yeah she looked less like an unkempt farmer.
Jessie: Very true. Um, did you find the plot development super awkward? Because I was just there for the porn and I found the story line distracting and also unnecessary.
Luca: The sex scenes were spaced out so evenly. It was like they had a sex stopwatch go off every 15 minutes – you know, to break up the plot every time it started making sense.
The timer would go off and even if it was mid-dialogue they’d be like STOP IT’S TIME FOR SEX SCENE.
Jessie: Speaking of sex... This whole franchise is about being super kinky and adventurous. And is it just me, or did they only have missionary sex, and then at one point tried doggy style for a few minutes? Like... I feel so uninspired.
Luca: There was no rough sex of any kind at all. He tied up her feet. With a soft cloth. And blindfolded her. I wasn’t turned on once and that’s not okay.
Why did I walk out of the cinema commenting on how good the music was. THAT SHOULD NOT BE MY TAKEAWAY. I’m pretty sure there are better sex scenes in Brother Bear. My grandparents are having kinkier sex than this.
Jessie: At times I felt like they had chemistry, and then I realised it was just the music. Coz when the music stopped, they went back to being awks AF.
But I must say, I do feel like Christian and Ana maybe went to a camp. And had to do some get-to-know-you activities. Because in the last movie it actually appeared that they were revolted by each others touch. Now they appear more... apathetic.
Luca: Ok is it just me or does Christian NOT have a sexy voice. At all. It’s overwhelmingly molesty. Furthermore, he exudes the masculinity of a pre-pubescent boy. Something is wrong with the way he walks. He has a limp... but with both legs.
Jessie: Yes. And his smile makes him look constipated. It literally looks like it hurts him to smile. Like he doesn't physically have enough... lip.
Luca: I reckon the problem is that Ana feels more powerful than Christian. There is nothing CEO about him.
Jessie: Ana walks like she's perpetually unsure of where she is going, and she talks with this forced whisper and I just want to yell "SPEAK UP. ENUNCIATE YOUR WORDS."
Luca: Can we talk about vag beads now or...?
Jessie: Did you just say 'vag beads'?
Jessie: Okay. I didn't know vag beads were a thing. And I have thoughts but also concerns. Firstly, she said 'you're not putting them in my butt'... and I just don't know why her mind defaulted to that. But putting metal balls in her vag is all good. Are these... new balls?
Has Christian used these balls on women before? Does Mrs Jones clean things such as vag beads? With antiseptic? ALSO. I was so concerned that they were going to fall out and roll out of her undies. In the middle of dinner.
While she's just standing there speaking to Christian's mum. And make a thud on the floor, really loudly. And then his mum will be like "Oh, darling, you dropped a VAG BEAD."
Luca: Okay, disclaimer. I do NOT have a vag. Am without vag. However. I feel that they'd be very difficult to keep in, unless you have the world's strong pelvic floor. I had a sore pelvic floor just watching it. And I don't know why she assumed they were meant to go in her butt - it was an odd conclusion to jump to. THERE’S AN EASIER HOLE ANA.
Also, Mrs Jones definitely cleans his sex toys. Jesus, that woman has seen some shit.
Jessie: I just imagine them to feel like wearing a cold, heavy, big ol' tampon. And expecting that to be arousing. Speaking of arousing. That scene in the restaurant where Christian demands that Ana take off her 'panties'...
Luca: No grown man should ever be allowed to use the word 'panties'. Ever. There is no single exception.
Jessie: So valid. I also think it's an OH&S issue to be passing underpants over a table at a restaurant. I feel for other patrons.
They are just trying to enjoy a nice meal at an upmarket establishment and she's taking off her worn underwear and assuming no one will see. But that's not the most problematic thing about that scene.
She then gets into a lift, and Christian starts straight up fingering her and after approximately nine seconds whispers "... don't cum."
IT HAD BEEN NINE SECONDS. SHE'S NOT CLOSE, CHRISTIAN. No woman is going to finish in nine seconds because you put your fingers in her vagina.
Luca: Christian. Sweetie. You're not required to ask her not to cum after nine seconds in a lift with strangers. But the whole lift-fingering situation was FINE in comparison with the sailboat scene. They tried to have a conversation NOT about their relationship, and really struggled:
Anastasia: ‘HEY. Do you know who lives in that old mansion on the hill?'
Christian: ‘Yes. I do. It’s an old widow, who sits on the porch every night waiting for her dead husband to return home.'
Jessie: And THIS is why they can only talk about their relationship. Because when they try and talk about other things, that happens.
Luca: I'm not done being angry: a boat of that size can't even move without a crew of 15 people. At least. Also, boats are not fun. Or romantic. And everyone gets wet. But not in a good way. Which brings me to the helicopter part.
Jessie: I checked my phone during that part coz they weren't having sex.
Luca: Valid. Okay so it’s two hours into the film. There are ten minutes left. And it hits the producers: "‘Guys nothing has actually... happened. Like, in the movie. I think people sometimes like things to happen in movies. You know, like a complicati-".
"LET'S DO A SEX SCENE".
"No, Gary. Done that. Think bigger. Think something so bloody dramat-"
"HELICOPTER. HELICOPTER CRASH."
Christian jumps in a helicopter (?) with his token black PA, and shouts "mayday" a bunch of times so we know he's in trouble.
There's some fly looking CGI smoke coming from the helicopter but then it cuts away and we’re back on Anastasia, and we don't see the crash because they blew all the CGI budget on that smoke...
Jessie: Ummm, and then he's just fine? Like, he needs to be in hospital.
This is classic "... guy thinks he's okay but actually had a concussion and his brain is bleeding and he never wakes up." But instead it looks like he's gone for a brisk walk and come into contact with a low hanging branch. And then they have sexy time and she wants to go into his sex dungeon and be abused or whatever.
Furthermore, you know who's not okay? His PA. She is trauamatised AF and I feel that plot-line could have been explored in more depth.
Luca: There is another issue I have to broach - the gym scene, right at the end. I feel like when Jamie Dornan was auditioning for the role he said to the producers, “guys. GUYS. I can also do this thing, where I lift my whole body off the ground with just my hands." But the movie is almost finished. And now the producers are like, “SHIT. guys. Remember JAMIE CAN DO THAT THING".
And then the director is like "Well actually the movie is almost over". So the producers are like “Fuck… okay um just… just do it now. JAMIE DO THE THING NOW."
Jessie: See I personally feel that the directors weren't that into it, and Jamie made a big fuss until they let finally gave in. But look, there are a lot of things that don't 100% make sense about this movie.
Why does Christian keep trying to give her $24,000 for no reason? How can Ana afford that apartment? Why is the dude who creepily came onto Ana in the first movie (Jose) then at Christian's birthday party?
What does Christian do for a living? Why is Ana so bad at her job? She leaves at 5 on the dot and is messaging Christian like 90 per cent of the time. There are a lot of loose ends but, goddamn, I enjoyed it.
Luca: Are there different sizes of vag bead? And what happened to Christian's black PA?
Jessie: Shhhhh. Don't stress. Everything will be answered in the final installment.
Luca: Also. Where the fuck were the butt plugs?
Fifty Shades Darker is out now in cinemas Australia-wide. It is rated MA15+.