Put down your mango daiquiri and make sure your tan lines are even pls.
We have a tropical island-based scandal on our hands, people.
Australia just witnessed its biggest reality TV betrayal since, well, about three months ago.
And this time it’s particularly… gross.
Dean and Davina are back and this time they’re on an island.
They dress exclusively in bikinis and board shorts and say “banter” a lot.
You see, Sophie Monk has gathered together some of the country’s most beautiful/most dense people in a villa on an island far, far away from here. Like, further than Fiji.
On the island the beautiful people have been tasked with deciding whether their type is blonde or brunette and then couplin’ up with said type.
One couple who successfully chose their respective types was Grant and Cassidy. Grant is a brunette who likes blondes (supposedly) and Cassidy is a blonde who likes brunettes.
It was all going well until Grant did a sneak and decided he very much liked brunettes too, and started talkin’ to the villa’s resident brunette Tayla (who was with a blonde guy named Josh).
Tayla liked Grant and Grant liked Tayla but Grant kept telling Cassidy he only liked Cassidy and that Cassidy was crazy for thinking he liked Tayla ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
Then during Sunday night’s re-coupling it all came to a head when Tayla chose to re-couple with Grant and Grant looked heaps smug about it.
There was dramatic music and lots of shots of Cassidy bein’ angry and Josh lookin’ shocked. It then became so awkward that Sophie Monk actually ran away.
SHE. RAN. AWAY.
Then on tonight’s episode the villa was left divided. In the wise words of Erin (a blonde who likes another blonde) – it was brunettes vs blondes.
Tayla said some very Davina-esque things to Josh like “yeah I’m being selfish” and “I’m here for me”.
Dean Grant said he felt sorry that Josh was in that situation… even though he created the situation himself.
Anyhoo, then they all had to go to bed… together.
You see, unlike on Married at First Sight where all the couples had their own private “apartments”, the couples on Love Island have to sleep in a big room… together.
This all happened about, you know, a few hours after Grant was kissing Cassidy.
After the re-coupling Grant and Tayla were assigned a new bed together and they hooked up while the rest of the love islanders listened.
The next morning Erin said she heard… wait for it…
* SEX NOISES*
Yep, *sex noises*.
Grant and Tayla then continued to pash their way around the villa while everyone hated them and their brunette ways.
At one point they seemed to be doing something sexual with a banana and no thanks.
So yeah, Dean and Davina are back and this time they’re making *sex noises*.
I feel gross and hollow and a little bit aroused.