A model, a footy player and a tradie walked onto an island. That’s how the joke goes, right?
Unfortunately, this show is not a joke. This is a show that someone actually thought was a good idea to send to air. And for some strange, unknown reason, we legitimately cannot look away.
It’s like Married At First Sight all over again, although somehow trashier. And more about finding a casual root than a life partner.
Luckily for you though, we’ve put together the wildest and weirdest moments from the first episode. Just in case you didn’t catch it the first time.
Those… introductions
As the girls met each other there was just a lot of comments about boobs, butts and boats. Not so much, "what do you do for a living?" but more "are those real?" and "what cup size are you?".
Other notable comments included, but were not limited to, "YOU LOOK SO HOT" and "OH MY GOD YOU LOOK LIKE A MODEL" and "I LOVE YOUR BIKINI".
Prerequisites
Once the compliments were over, the ladies got to discussing what they look for in a man.
"I don't want a toilet cleaner."
"I always like a tradie."
The consensus? Very tall. Dark. Attractive.
Groundbreaking.
Natasha shook things up a bit and said she wants someone who is "loyal, trustworthy" and "has a boat". Because of course.
This guy
His name is Justin. He would like everyone to know that he is an international supermodel who parties with beautiful women "all over the world".
Everything that comes out of his mouth makes our tummies do a weird flippy thing. No, not butterflies. We're talking about that feeling right before you projectile vomit.
Did we mention he's a "kangatarian". Oh, yes.
You'll be shocked to know not a single woman stepped forward to pair up with Justin.
Our favourite quote from Justin in the pre-filming interviews? "I'm not going to hit [girls], but I'm not going to stand for bulls**t talk and drama."
Charming.
The selection process
The selection process is like a child in a candy store. Except the child is a white man with an ego complex. And the candy is five bikini models.
As the men enter the Spanish villa, they share with us their most admirable characteristics.
“I have a medical condition, it’s called a wandering eye."
Charlie wondered aloud that "girls think [he's] sleezy because he's a rugby player" and just moments later proves we are all wrong about him when he says "I'm looking to score off the field." SMOOTH.
Just when Charlie thought he had "scored" a fresh start in a villa on the other side of the world, Millie lets the other girls know that they went on a few dates back in Australia. Just in case anyone was interested.
Charlie pairs up with Natasha, who is looking for a nice guy, but lets her know that if his ex-girlfriend Millie had have stepped forward that he "probably would have chosen her." Oh-kay.
And then there's Josh. Poor Josh puts himself out there after rating his own looks a "10 out of 10" and NO ONE STEPS FORWARD.
It's freaking perfection.
Getting to know each other
There is one question at the forefront of everyone's minds.
HAS THEIR BOY/GIRL EVER CHEATED?
Eden has, obviously. And he isn't afraid to talk to about it.
The other boys at least act like they haven't.
Josh has chosen the beauty queen Tayla and he tells us all she looks like Mona Lisa, but better. This is meant to be a compliment. We think?
Natasha has a bad time because Charlie is obviously just really into Millie. She tells us she is looking for "someone who wants to be with [her]" and the bar has never been lower. Except she wants a boat, too.
This is a personal highlight:
Luckily Natasha is looking out for herself and lets Charlie know he would make a good "FRIEND."
Millie shares that she is a good samaritan and likes to catch pigeons, but she isn't KANGATARIAN, now is she? She may still be the first contestant to cry next episode, not that we're placing bets.
And just when we think everything is settling down there is an intruder.
You guessed it! She too, is super hot. She's also 21. And a bikini model.
Truly, shocking.