Last week, I babysat my three-year-old cousin.
At one point, I was sitting beside him, minding my own business, when he just hit me in the face for no reason.
Later, he was standing guiltily near our new espresso machine when I realised he’d been putting food in his mouth, then spitting it into the machine to hide it.
I also gave him a gift, which I’m fairly certain he threw off the balcony intentionally.
As an ode to three-year-olds and the characteristic lack of shits they give about everything, please behold the following tweets which perfectly sum up their attitude to life:
3-year-old: Can we have a birthday cake?
Me: It’s not your birthday.Advertisement
3: The cake won’t know.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 25, 2016
Me: Leave the kitty alone.
Me: Leave the kitty alone
Me: Leave the —
3yo: THE KITTY SCRATCH ME. pic.twitter.com/LRETVRkvz1
— Brigid Kemmerer (@BrigidKemmerer) April 25, 2017
3yo: daddy! will u help me?
sure, bud, what do u need?
3yo: i pooped on the floor pic.twitter.com/RcheO8jAyf
— lawn medicine (@lawnsea) April 29, 2017
Spending the majority of the day deciding whether or not I have to pee is one of the things my 3 year old and I have in common.
— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) May 22, 2016
I’m at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old holding a permanent marker without the lid.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 21, 2014
“Wow, I’ve always wanted this.”
~ something my 3yo didn’t know existed 2 seconds ago
— Dad’s Take (@DadsTake) April 27, 2017
You wanna know how my evening is going?
My 3-year-old just kissed my head and threw a tantrum because I don’t taste like chocolate.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) July 28, 2016
If you want to know what an apple slice on the floor under this McDonalds table tastes like, ask my 3 year-old son.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 25, 2015
3yo: *sticks his hand in my back pocket as we walk*
Me: Please don’t do that.
3yo: The pineapple told me I could.
Dang creep pineapple.
— Kiersten White (@kierstenwhite) April 25, 2017
Anyone want a 3-year-old? He doesn’t listen much but he can fart on demand. #momlife
— Jennifer Borget (@JenniferBorget) December 27, 2016
My 3 year old niece has convinced herself that “bathing suit” is pronounced “baby soup”
— Hannah (@HannahSilene) May 3, 2017
That moment when your 3yo touches the inside of a public urinal and you consider cutting her hand off with a plastic knife in your backpack.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) October 1, 2016
People who describe themselves as “laid back” have never been stuck in an elevator with a 3yo who’s determined to hit the alarm button.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) November 6, 2015
3yo: I need a bandaid for my ouch
Me: *gets bandaid*
3yo: *screaming* NOT THAT BANDAID!
— Sydney Walker (@SydneyBlaine12) April 26, 2017
In case you’re wondering how my 3yo’s education is going. He just listed the days as: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Saturday, and Christmas.
— MaryWiddicks (@MaryWiddicks) August 28, 2016
I think my 3 year old is trying to make me disappear.
She keeps walking past me saying “Bippety Boppity Boo!”
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) June 15, 2015