"I knew the moment he put the probe on my tummy that something wasn't right."

Trigger warning: This story is about late term miscarriage and may be distressing for some readers. 

On the 4th of October 2017 I took a pregnancy test. I wasn’t due for my period until around three days later, and the only reason I took it was because I had sore boobs, which is not something that is common for me before a period. The line was faint, but it was definitely positive.

I had spotting right from the start, but every scan I had they assured me that the baby was moving and growing. Until they started to see some abnormalities.

Taddy was not measuring big enough for the gestation and the fluid level wasn’t normal.

At 13 weeks he/she was measuring around 11 weeks, at 15 weeks he/she had grown to measure at around 13 weeks. We went in for a routine obstetrician appointment and he assured us that even though our baby was measuring small, it had still grown about the right amount in the time frame.

Then he was going to have a quick look at the heartbeat with the ultrasound machine, and I expected to again be reassured that our little baby was kicking and happy. But I knew as soon as he put the probe on my tummy that something wasn’t right. Taddy wasn’t moving anymore, and the doctor couldn’t find his/her heartbeat either. They took me to another room where there was a better machine, which showed the same thing. When they said I’d have to go down to have a formal scan I knew then, I knew that my baby was gone… I burst into tears.

Listen: A very raw Monique Bowley speaks about miscarriage, grief, and how friends and family can help someone who is struggling. Post continues after audio.

As expected the formal scan confirmed that there was no heartbeat or movement. We had a long chat with the midwives and doctors about what was going to happen. My partner stayed with me and we talked about what was going to happen, what we wanted to happen after and I cried a lot of the night.

I went to the hospital on Friday morning, they were supposed to know to expect me…

They didn’t.

I had to tell them what had happened, well, Mum did for me, because I was sobbing. They quickly took me to a private room away from the new babies and happy mothers and settled me in. The midwives were amazing. I’d met all but one of them before so it was nice to have some familiarity around me.

On Friday at around 11am they gave me the first lot of metaprostal. I had some slight cramps and my water broke, but the cramping and fluid loss didn’t really ramp up until I had the second dose at 5pm. I definitely went through labour, just not as intense as my full term babies as I didn’t have to get to 10cm.

Little Taddy was born at around 8.30pm on the 29th of December 2017.

There was definitely a developmental problem with our sweet little angel. His/her head wasn’t formed right, I don’t think there was much of a skull growing. He/she had tiny little, perfectly formed feet and hands. Brett and I got to spend time with our little one and take some pictures (I won’t share them here as they may be a bit confronting for some people).

Even Mum and Dad came in to have a look and a hold which was nice. I think it helped mum a lot to see him/her as she (and all our family really) was quite upset about the loss of our little one.

On Saturday morning I had an ultrasound to check if there was anything left behind after Taddy was delivered, there was, so I had a D and C procedure that afternoon.

We are getting tests done to see if we can find a cause for why Taddy didn’t develop properly, we will also find out if we had a daughter or a son. We will name Taddy formally and have a memorial service for him/her.

Maddie Josephine Wright for a girl

or

Elliot Mark Wright for a boy.

From the moment he/she was born I didn’t see a gross looking blob, though many people would. I saw my amazing little baby, the baby that Brett and I made together. I looked at Taddy the way I looked at my healthy newborns when they arrived, with wonder and awe that we had created life.

He/she only knew love and none of the evil in this world. Never had to experience heartbreak or conflict or disappointment. For this I am grateful.

People may ask if I think it was easier losing this little life now, and not when it was closer to full term or after it was born.

My answer is yes and no.

Yes, because our baby made the choice for us to leave. Had we had gotten much further along then Brett and I would have had to choose whether to terminate or not, as the developmental problems would have been picked up in later scans.

For anyone who has had a miscarriage: this is your digital care package.

No, because we still lost a child. Someone we had plans for the future, someone we dreamed about, someone we loved with every fibre of our being, just because it wasn’t very big doesn’t mean it was any less of a person. We may not have heard a cry or even got to see what colour eyes and hair Taddy would have had but I carried him/her inside me for as long as I could, wanting to give it every experience I have given my two children I have here with me.

He/she is always going to be my beautiful little baby.

I just want to make a quick note here saying how comforting it was to be in the care of midwives who have compassion and respect for all the mum’s and babies they look after every single day no matter the circumstances.

To the charities that have donated packs and supplied information to help families like ours remember our angels and also the funeral parlor who will cremate Taddy for us free of charge a very heartfelt thank you for your kindness and generosity.

Bears of Hope

Bridie’s Blossoms and Blessings

Vincent Funeral Services

This story was originally published on Nerd Mum Rants and has been republished here with permission.