'Kimye's baby name would not shock my mother's group.'

“I have lived in and around Byron Bay for over two decades. Saint is downright conservative…”

I’ve always thought that having a child is a bit like putting out your own imaginary album – so when you’re playing the Name Game its always good to consider whether the child is going to be more of your Covers Band-type release that we’ve all heard before or some underground indie-pscyh-pop that takes the world by surprise.

Kanye and Kim have just put out their latest collaborative album, and have called their latest release ‘Saint West.’ While not a popular choice, it’s definitely getting some decent media attention. The Name police have been trolling the Twitter feeds with nasties like ‘So Kim Kardashian named her baby Saint West… what the actual f*ck?’ and more highly intellectual critiques of that nature.

But really, is Saint any weirder than calling a kid Neville or Trevor or Dick? Personally I think calling a baby ‘Dick’ in this day and age should be a reportable child protection issue.

When your mother is Kim Kardashian and your father is Kanye West, I think being called Saint is the least of your issues. If you are into The Secret and believe in manifesting your life’s outcomes, then your kid is probably going to be a lot better behaved than the children of my friends, little shits called Rebel, Anarchy and Kalki.

I remember once Kalki’s mother bemoaning the way her toddler broke everything in his massive grand mal tantrums – I did suggest that perhaps naming your kid after the Hindu God of Destruction and then asking him to live in a house filled with IKEA was really asking for it. She should have called him Mindfulness.

I have lived in and around Byron Bay for over two decades. Saint is downright conservative – almost too Catholic to be properly off-beat. Where I live, people really give the naming thing a good old fashioned go. On any given day in a local pre school it’s not unusual to have more than one Lotus, a whole tributary of Rivers and more Crystals than your local meth dealer.

Children’s names are a sign of the zeitgeist of the time, in our effort to innovate and be original. We’re trying to create some new ground here. After all, we’ve just made a person. If parents didn’t push the envelope after the big push into the world, then we’d be still walking around with our Caveman names…‘These are my sons Thor and Tad and my daughter, Hunga.’

Naming your baby what you want is a birthright. I figure, if I have to push a 10cm head through a cervix the size of a pin prick then you’re bloody lucky you’re not called ‘fruit of my broken vagina.’ Anyway names, unlike tattoos, aren’t forever and if you don’t like your name, you can grow up, get a job and pay the $29.95 and change it to whatever you like.

But then you’d be a Dick.

You can see Mandy Nolan live at the Adelaide Fringe Festival & Melbourne International Comedy Festival in Women Like Us!