entertainment

There is no such thing as a "revenge body", Khloe Kardashian.

What if your body just, you know, was?

Remember when we didn’t refer to our bodies without a weird label in front? Um, us neither.

In what has become an exciting new kindergarten game for adults, we’ve taken to calling our bodies lots of different names.

Beach Body.
Dad Body.
Bikini Body.
Baby Body.

And now, another genius addition to admit to annals of history: REVENGE BODY.

Fresh off the butt back of that oh-so-greasy Complex magazine shoot, Khloe Kardashian has taken to Women’s Health mag to ‘klaim’ her new prize, explaining her new-found love for fitness:

“If you keep going, you’re eventually like, ‘Wow, is that an indentation on my arm? Yeah, it’s a revenge body. But it’s just as much for all my critics who called me ‘the fat one’ for my entire existence.”

Khloe’s “revenge body” cover.

Khloe has every right to be extremely proud of her body, as we all do. We all know that weight loss is a long, f*cked up journey of low-fat cheese, tins of tuna, and being hungry most of the time. Weight loss is hard, and the good results can be glorious, but ‘revenge bod’? No. Just no.

By slapping a prefix in front of the word ‘body’, we are categorically assigning ourselves to a label. Men with ‘Dad Bods’ are automatically assumed to be past the point of sexy, past the point of caring, and effectively emasculated to being a non-entity of the fuckable scale of things. They are deemed invisible.

Oh, Khloe. You’re our favourite. (Post continues after gallery.)

Women with ‘Baby Bodies’ suffer the same predicament. They become nothing more than a belly, with bits sticking out of it: judgement is distributed as to how sexy those bits sticking out still are, ‘regardless’ of the fact that they are pregnant. Could we not instead celebrate the fact she’s about to push an entire human out of her vagina?

And don’t even get me started on ‘Bikini Body’: I had a phone call from a stunning girlfriend of mine earlier in the week, a former model whose body sits somewhere between ‘Supermodel’ and ‘My Impossible Dreams’. She was singing the praises of a new ‘bikini body’ fitness regime she’s begun. ‘Bikini Body’: two words that now describe unrealistic perfection, demanded of all women, regardless of age, fitness levels, health, or desire to fit the mould. It is what you SHOULD BE.

Some of the kinds of bodies you can have on a magazine cover… (post continues after gallery):

Hey guys, let’s just go back to being Bodies.

Plain old, flesh and blood, guts and gore, hair and nails and toes and veins, BODIES. I don’t want to be filed away under ‘mid winter body’ or ‘gym-three-times-a-week body’, and especially not ‘eats-icecream-in-bed body’ – I want to be regarded as a singular, unique, wonderful, perfect… lump of skin and bones.

So Khloe, may we make a suggestion? Rather than slogging it out under the guise of someone else’s misery, why don’t you celebrate your fab new figure as your own achievement? And when it comes to revenge, forget ‘Revenge Body’ – you should try ‘Revenge Car Keying’ or ‘Revenge Food Poisoning’… much, MUCH more fun.

Have you ever had a “revenge body”?

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