Kate Middleton is looking for a housekeeper. This is my chance.
Dear Kate (I mean, Duchess Catherine. Your Majesty? We’ll sort this out later.)
I would like to apply to be your new housekeeper. I saw the ad in The Lady magazine, which I don’t read because, to be honest, I’m pretty bloody ladylike already. But I came across your ad, and I thought it imperative that I apply (see how ladylike I am? Imperative is a really long word).
You see, I would be the perfect housekeeper for you, Kate. I mean, Mrs Prince William. Ma’am? I would be perfect because I really, really want
to live in a castle the job.
You specified in your non-specific ad that you are looking for “someone with previous housekeeping experience, ideally within a large private house, and preferably within a family environment with dogs”. This is why I’m perfect. I keep my own house, and I do my dishes almost every second day. Sometimes I even vacuum, especially when I’ve been eating sausage rolls on the floor. I wouldn’t exactly say my house is large (though, there was enough space in the bathroom for a washing machine, so it’s pretty decent), nor does it contain a family or dogs, but my housemate had a small fig plant that I watered once, so I’m pretty good at keeping a house.
I’d be more than happy to maintain your clothes, as you requested in the ad. In fact, we can even do a bit of a clothes swap, if you like? My wardrobe may not have as many designer labels as yours yet, but K-Mart has had some really great stuff lately, so I think you’d enjoy having me in the house. You can borrow my owl-print onesie anytime, unless I’m wearing it or it’s in the wash because I got Nutella on it again.
Quick question: Does your bro-in-law Harry come over much? Maybe to play X-Box with Wills? No reason… just curious…
Anyway. Like you mentioned, I’m also good at polishing stuff (I’m assuming you are talking about cleaning your tiaras, yeah? I’m on board.) and I am EXCELLENT at purchasing groceries. I have learned that, if you are willing to compromise on quality and/or health risks, grocery shopping is much cheaper at ALDI. Do you have ALDI in the UK? If not, ask the Queen to get you one, it’s alarmingly cheap and rarely terrifying.
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge: Second baby expected soon.
You warned that some ‘preparation of meals’ might be involved, which is fine. If I’m buying the meals anyway, I’ll just make sure to stock up on Lean Cuisines (or the ALDI equivalent, which is probably ‘Leen Kwazeen’ or something), because my microwave skills are second to none. Also, I can bake. Look at these muffins I made a few weeks ago: