I used to think that I was a “cool mum”. You know, like Amy Poehler in Mean Girls?
I’m down with the kids. I have Instagram, and I let my kids watch YouTube. I straighten my four-year-old daughter’s hair if she asks me to. I know how to ‘floss’. Granted, a fellow mum had to describe the dance move to me and then send me a video of it until I finally understood, but at least I know that flossing is a dance move and not about dental hygiene.
Well, I thought I was cool, until I glimpsed a video on YouTube called HOW TO KISS! *TUTORIAL*, and then lost my mind in a spiral of panic.
I was innocently trawling YouTube for videos of Nico Tortorella (Josh from Younger), who I am obsessed with because they are a gender fluid babe. Like I said, I’m a cool mum! I have crushes and I use YouTube! And then I stumbled upon a video that truly shocked me: an instructional video by two youngsters name Maddie Joy and Elijah Wireman, also known as “Maddie and Elijah” which was called HOW TO KISS! *TUTORIAL*.
In the video, the popular YouTubing couple (they have 397,481 subscribers at the time of writing) explain and demonstrate how to execute the perfect kiss. They appear to be in their teens, or their early twenties at the most. I don’t know much more about it, because I only watched the first thirty seconds* before I began to worry that I was being creepy or something, and also I began to freak out about the future of my children.
I know, my reaction was pretty ridiculous. I mean, a video of teens kissing? To misquote The Devil Wears Prada: “Groundbreaking.” There are things on the internet that are far more shocking than that. Trust me, I was as perplexed about my spin-out as anyone else. I thought I was a cool mum, and yet I was unhinged by two sweet, innocent kids trying to help other kids master the art of kissing? Maddie and Elijah even said that you shouldn’t kiss anyone unless you love them, otherwise the experience would be meaningless. Their second tip is to have fresh breath. That is so cute. I’m obviously a monster, and on the express train to Frumptown, changing at Old Fart Station.
You can watch the YouTube tutorial below, if you’re curious.