I used to think that I was a “cool mum”. You know, like Amy Poehler in Mean Girls?
I’m down with the kids. I have Instagram, and I let my kids watch YouTube. I straighten my four-year-old daughter’s hair if she asks me to. I know how to ‘floss’. Granted, a fellow mum had to describe the dance move to me and then send me a video of it until I finally understood, but at least I know that flossing is a dance move and not about dental hygiene.
Well, I thought I was cool, until I glimpsed a video on YouTube called HOW TO KISS! *TUTORIAL*, and then lost my mind in a spiral of panic.
I was innocently trawling YouTube for videos of Nico Tortorella (Josh from Younger), who I am obsessed with because they are a gender fluid babe. Like I said, I’m a cool mum! I have crushes and I use YouTube! And then I stumbled upon a video that truly shocked me: an instructional video by two youngsters name Maddie Joy and Elijah Wireman, also known as “Maddie and Elijah” which was called HOW TO KISS! *TUTORIAL*.
In the video, the popular YouTubing couple (they have 397,481 subscribers at the time of writing) explain and demonstrate how to execute the perfect kiss. They appear to be in their teens, or their early twenties at the most. I don’t know much more about it, because I only watched the first thirty seconds* before I began to worry that I was being creepy or something, and also I began to freak out about the future of my children.
I know, my reaction was pretty ridiculous. I mean, a video of teens kissing? To misquote The Devil Wears Prada: “Groundbreaking.” There are things on the internet that are far more shocking than that. Trust me, I was as perplexed about my spin-out as anyone else. I thought I was a cool mum, and yet I was unhinged by two sweet, innocent kids trying to help other kids master the art of kissing? Maddie and Elijah even said that you shouldn’t kiss anyone unless you love them, otherwise the experience would be meaningless. Their second tip is to have fresh breath. That is so cute. I’m obviously a monster, and on the express train to Frumptown, changing at Old Fart Station.
You can watch the YouTube tutorial below, if you’re curious.
(*Okay, so I watched the entire six minute, forty-four second video for the sake of this article, and seriously, Maddie and Elijah seem like good kids. Elijah says that you could even just do a kiss on the forehead for a first kiss. So chaste! The video has nothing raunchy at all, and is mostly practical advice like using lip balm so your lips are soft, and making eye contact. Maddie and Elijah are more comparable to a tween show on Nickelodeon than Kylie Jenner’s Instagram. That said, they do have a video called LICK MY BODY CHALLENGE!!)
Back to my freak-out. First of all, I developed an obsession about The Future of Maddie and Elijah. As in, what if they broke up one day, and married other people, and their future partners saw this kissing video and were spurred into a jealous rage, and then their new partners would spend more and more time playing aggressive games of squash every weeknight, leaving Maddie and Elijah home alone and lonely?
My next concern was about Maddie and Elijah’s employment prospects. Is YouTube the new tattoo? As in, would an employer not hire Maddie or Elijah, because they found a video online of them kissing? On one hand, the video is an example of their use of social media to create training materials, so that’s a plus. On the other hand, would an employer be unable to take them seriously because they keep having visions in their heads of young Maddie and Elijah pashing? Their video has over five million views – it’s possible.