Poop.

Poo. Faeces. Doo doo. Number two. Bombing the porcelain sea.

Whatever you want to call it, it’s not a very nice topic. And to be certain, not one that I thought I would be discussing with the general public. But something is happening in the world of twistin’ out a nine coiler, and I’m not entirely cool with it.

The Poop Saga, as it shall forever be known, started with Kate Upton. (There’s something I never thought I’d say…)

I was absent-mindedly scrolling through my Insta feed yesterday when an odd shot stopped me. It was from the account of the glorious, heavenly, boobs-in-zero-gravity goddess Kate Upton. The photo was a close up of what looked like a pool toy, with her initials on it.

Hum, I thought to myself. What on earth is that? Some kind of bust-boosting device? I better take a better look.

“First monogrammed gift,” she wrote, “#squattypotty #bestgift@doubleyousquared @squattypotty”

#SquattyPotty?

Squatty…potty?

First monogrammed gift #squattypotty #bestgift @doubleyousquared [email protected]

A photo posted by Kate Upton (@kateupton) on Jul 16, 2016 at 11:32pm PDT

Within seconds I was on the official Squatty Potty website, and I sat there for a good few minutes digesting (ugh, totally the wrong word to use) the information in front of me.

“Hi, we are the Edwards family,” read the home page.

“We are the designers and creators of Squatty Potty® toilet stools and the owners of Squatty Potty LLC. We operate our small family business out of beautiful Saint George, Utah.”

Uh huh, yes. So far, so good.

“We have always been a very health conscious family, but after a few years of some colon issues we were seeking a natural and inexpensive solution that would help correct and heal the problems we were experiencing. That’s when we found a wonderful and simple solution…. “Squatting!””

Wait. What?

Ok, I’m going to be very honest with you. I actually cannot tell if I’m the victim of a very large, very elaborate trolling prank, or if this is legit.

Remember a few months back, when that wildly disturbing video of a unicorn doing a large rainbow soft-serve poop went viral? And how we all laughed and laughed and continued defecating in the same way we’ve been taught to do for hundreds of years?

Yeah. Well. That video was an actual advertisement for an actual product, called The Squatty Potty.

Maybe this video will jog your memory…. (Post continues after video)

I am torn between being completely disgusted and endlessly intrigued by this product. I mean, as much as I don’t need another facet of my bodily functions to be drawn into question – I’m still reeling from the Neti Pot nasal cleanser – I can’t help but wonder.

Have we indeed being pooping wrong this whole time? And would I ever follow the beautiful goddess Kate Upton down the path of faecal experimentation? And more importantly again- then share that with my followers?

I jumped back onto the Squatty Potty website to try and understand what the flippin’ heck was going on. And let me tell you, it’s quite a journey. I mean, once you get past the uncontrollable shaking of your head and saying ‘No no no no no no no’, there’s actually a lot to learn.

For starters, they call the pooping action ‘eliminating’, which is really nice. “Excuse me for a moment, I need to go and eliminate. Where is your bathroom?”

Elimination, they say, is best achieved in a squatting position.

“Medical doctors, naturopaths, and assorted holistic health professionals have pointed out the hazards of the modern toilet for years,” says the website. “There is empirical evidence that elevating your feet during elimination is healthier.”

Why? It opens up the colon, which is otherwise folded into a tight angle when sitting. “The alignment of the anorectal angle associated with squatting permits smooth bowel elimination” says the Squatty Potty team, with a very helpful diagram of a sad little poo trying to make its escape.

Squatting can actually assist with a variety of bowel/poop related issues, including:

• constipation
• hemorrhoids
• colon disease
• urinary difficulty/ infections
• pelvic floor issues

Long story short, these crazy kooks from Utah want you to squat over your toilet in the same fashion as the 'Don't squat on the toilet' signs in Dubai Airport.

And they are actually making some kind of weird sense.

I'M SORRY BUT IS THIS A THING NOW?

ARE WE PUBLICALLY DISCUSSING OUR BOWEL MOVEMENTS WITH THE ENTIRE INTERNET UNIVERSE?

ARE WE MEANT TO BE OK WITH THIS?

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Squatty Potty is doing a bang-up job of selling this new poo-pride, however.

Just when they are slowly starting to charm you with their low-key toilet humour and sanitised diagrams, they pack the ol' one-two-punch by offering you a fetching variety of colours, shapes, and sizes. There's a stained wood version, a silver blow-up travel version, even a Tao bamboo version.

Like your own little royal step to the porcelain throne, the Squatty Potty might not be pretty in purpose, but they sure have made it nice to look at.

The plain white version starts at $29 USD, with the top-of-the-line teak finish coming in at $80 USD. Other snazzy items available on their online shop includes the Sweet Loo Potty Spray ($10 USD) and a rather cute t-shirt printed with the slogan, 'I pooped today!' ($15 USD).

Anyway, I'm going to have to wrap this up now, because this fake 'I'm totally fine with talking about this' smile I have plastered on my face is starting the crack and I have an eye twitch.

I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't.

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