'She had a huge meltdown': How do I make sure I’m not raising a 'spoilt brat'?

No one wants their child to turn into a spoilt brat. But what happens if you look at your kid one day and start to worry that they’re acting just a tiny bit… well, entitled? 

That was the dilemma raised by a mum on Mamamia Family recently. 

She said her three-year-old daughter was an only child who had a lot of people – including grandparents – who loved her and bought her things. “Yesterday we were at the shops and she already had a few things that we needed to get but she kept just grabbing random things off the shelf and ‘needing’ them,” she wrote.

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“She also had a huge meltdown because I wouldn’t buy something in particular, something that I knew she would never play with. “Every time I come home from work she asks me what surprise I got her, more than often nothing. I’m so worried she’s going to grow up a spoilt brat.” 

Other parents chimed in with similar experiences (“I’m petrified of this too,” confided one) as well as advice. One mum said she got her kids to do chores for pocket money from the age of four.

Another said she takes photos of toys her son wants to buy and puts them on the list for birthday or Christmas. Several said they regularly go through their kids’ toys with them and pack away or donate the ones they aren’t using anymore. 

One mother admitted she just stopped taking her three-year-old shopping with her. 

So what advice does an expert have for making sure your child doesn’t turn into a spoilt brat? Firstly, child psychologist Dr Kimberley O'Brien from the Quirky Kid Clinic wouldn’t use the term “spoilt brat” to describe a child. “I do remember once saying to my child when she was three or so, ‘You’re acting like a brat,’ and she said, ‘Don’t call me a brat,’” she tells Mamamia.

“I realised, ‘It’s just name calling, isn’t it?’ No one likes to be called a name. We’re trying to be a household where there’s no name calling.” Dr O’Brien says it’s a balance between being a “really caring and engaged parent” and overindulging your child.

She believes one of the most important things for parents is to focus on giving kids quality one-on-one time. “Time seems to have more value than material items, as most parents would know, so steer clear of buying toys and making promises about things that are going to happen in the future,” she advises. “Just focus more on the moment, if possible, and spend more time listening and doing things side by side, whether that’s going for a walk with the dog or digging up some weeds in the garden. I think kids really do appreciate that.”

Dr O’Brien says events like the Sydney Easter Show tend to bring about “very entitled, spoilt behaviour” because kids are surrounded by super-exciting things that they want. A different environment can bring out the best in them. “Having a packed lunch and sitting in a nice spot is better than buying them a lollipop and then saying no to a dodgem car because it’s going to end in tears,” she says. 

But parents don’t necessarily need to avoid taking their kids shopping. “Kids often like to have a role or responsibility, so you could have a little checklist – they have to get three items, you have to get three items – so it’s a little bit of a game.” Public tantrums should be “normalised”, and parents should look back and see what might have helped. “Like maybe if we’d been to the shop after we’d had lunch it might have been easier because we were hungry or irritable.” 

Dr O’Brien thinks setting limits before an outing is the best way to go. “I think if you can set those clear expectations with your children beforehand and say something like, ‘We’re going to be there from this time to that time, we’ll bring this but we can buy a drink,’ everyone’s in agreement.” She thinks parents shouldn’t be afraid of saying “no” to their children and sticking to it. 

“There’s going to be a withdrawal if they’ve had a lot of yeses, so just ride it through, have a cup of tea,” she advises. “Sometimes it’s just a matter of pushing through and holding your ground.” If parents are starting to notice an entitled or disrespectful attitude in their child, it’s something they can call out by pointing to what their values are as a family. 

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“Maybe just let them know that you’ve noticed those couple of things: ‘It was the roll of the eyes,’ or ‘It was the way that you snatched that and you didn’t share that,’” Dr O’Brien says. “If you can be super specific about what you’ve noted and how you feel about it and how it’s not really part of your family culture, I think that’s key.” So what’s the best way to make sure your child grows up to be grateful and appreciative? Dr O’Brien suggests that parents can “model gratitude”. 

“Say, each night, just being grateful for at least one thing. As a parent, to say, ‘It’s been a busy day but I’m glad that I got to do my yoga class,’ something that’s more around experiences rather than, ‘I’m so excited about my new dress,’ or something. I think just trying to model the idea of using your time wisely and focusing on health and wellbeing and those kinds of things.”

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