When in doubt? Don’t swirl your wine around, just drink it.
I like humans. Most of the time, humans are great.
They do nice things for each other, like open doors or find convenient ways to slice up mangoes and then tell everyone.
But sometimes, humans are wankers. Or douchebags. Or snobs. Whatever you want to call them, they seem to have a few things in common. Little signs of douchebaggery, that pop up like a little red flag. A red flag of wankerdom.
I’m not saying that these things MAKE you a douchebag. But they sure do make you sound like one:
YOU MIGHT BE A WANKER IF YOU:
1. Swirl your wine without irony.
I’m all for pretending I’m a wine connoisseur as a joke (especially when pronounced ‘conny-sewer’), spitting and smelling and flaring my nostrils over the $10 bottle of Aldi wine I’m drinking. But actually swirling or slurping your wine without any kind of humour? You’re no drinking buddy of mine.
2. Laugh extra loud at ‘intelligent’ jokes.
Wow. You clearly understood that particular political/art/music/stockbroker/current event joke that the comedian made. I know, because you laughed extra loud, and then looked around the room to make sure we all saw you laugh. Well done.
3. Insist on pronouncing the word ‘Pho’ as ‘fuh’.
I know that Vietnamese people pronounce it ‘fuh’. I also known that French people pronounce ‘Sauvignon Blanc’ with a proper French accent. But if you correct me on my ignorant Australian pronounciation of the $9.90 noodle broth I’m buying from the food court for lunch, you are being a douche.
4. Wear tennis clothes to the Australian Open.
Top Comments
Oh god, that's really the list?........
I like the clash and swirl my wine... I must be a grade A wanker.