WARNING: This personal account includes candid discussion of an eating disorder and may be distressing to some readers.
I get into bed with my YouTube ‘Binge eating cure’ hypnosis playing on my laptop. The man’s voice is trying in great desperation to sound alluring ‘You are a powerful person’ he hums, ‘You can control your eating’. He repeats himself, sending me into a deep sleep where I dream of a stomach so flat that my friends use it as a tray table to eat on. I, on the other hand, don’t eat. I’m a strong independent tray table who don’t need no food. I wake from the blissful illusion and start up my notes. *Monday food log*
Breakfast: 1 banana. 1 tea no sugar.
Woahhh, YouTube dude was right I am a powerful person. Getting dressed for work I turn side to side examining my reflection. I grab flab from my arm, sling it out and introduce it to the mirror hellllllooooo, do you see this ? How did you let this happen?? I shake the flab to make my point. The mirror doesn’t respond. It never does.
In the office I lull at the computer. No work being done. I read that when you’re hungry, it’s really because you are dehydrated. So, between the H20, meal replacement shakes, herbal teas, coffees and my naturally weak bladder, I’m pissing like a racehorse with a UTI. The fact that a set of keys has been lost so I have to ask my boss to borrow hers every single time I need to use the toilet embarrasses me, but still I wouldn’t swap it for the carb loaded sandwich she hoovers. The way she consumes food thoughtlessly and doesn’t let the thought of food consume her p*sses me off while I pee. My current fling sends a text Wanna grab movie and dinner tonight? I decline. Reminding myself I am a powerful person who promised her powerful self to only eat fruit and veg today.
I could fall asleep on the bus home if it weren’t for the caffeine keeping my mind painfully awake. My finger glides through my past Insta uploads, the golden ‘skinnier times’. I fantasise being that size again although when that picture was taken I thought I was fat then too.