Gag reflex warning: The Editor has insisted we warn all of our readers that parts of this post are…. kinda gross.
I’d like to tell you about what is possibly one of the most selfless and heroic things I’ve ever done, and ever will do, for humanity.
I once taught a guy how to kiss.
I met him at a club (this was back when I was cool and young and did things other than drink wine at home in my underpants), and it was one of those situations where it was obvious from the second we started talking to each other that we were going to make out.
We exchanged a few obligatory drunken pleasantries, but as is the way with random hook-ups that take place on a seedy club bench at 2am, subtlety was not really on the cards. One second we were talking, the next we were lunging at each other’s faces.
Now, I fully understand that kissing is a subjective thing. Not everybody likes the same technique and it generally takes a few minutes of awkward adjusting before you fall into an acceptable rhythm with someone. But that is not what happened here.
Nothing could prepare me for the horror that was about to take place in my mouth.
It was like a fat slug had rolled around in mucus and was now trying to mate with my tongue. And the poor little guy couldn’t decide where he wanted to go. First he was trying to lick the back of my throat. Then he was trying to coat the entire circumference of my lips with saliva. Then he would somehow lodge himself between my teeth and the side of my cheek.
I had no idea that a tongue could be soft like an oyster and hard like a tampon at the same time. Just as I was trying to deal with my front teeth being attacked in some kind of frenzied stabbing motion, he would change the game on me completely and start trying to fill my mouth with the seemingly never ending supply of fluid that secreted from his sex-crazed mucus slug.
I was living an actual nightmare.
I was so thrown by what was happening I think my brain actually shut down. It wasn’t until he took his entire tongue, inserted it as far into my mouth as it would go and then just left it sitting there, perfectly still, that I had a second to think.
This wasn’t just me being a picky kisser. There was something seriously wrong here. This guy needed help, and if I didn’t offer it to him, he might subject some poor other girl to his oyster tampon. I couldn’t let that happen.
So right there, while my tongue was completely submerged by his, I decided that I could not, in all good conscience, walk away from this encounter without making sure it would never happen to anyone ever again. Ever.
I needed to provide an important public service. And even though I wanted to turn and run with every fibre of my being, I decided to stay. For women everywhere. I was a fucking hero.