Is kissing always cheating?
by MELISSA CHAPMAN
Way way back many centuries ago not long after the bible began I was a student at Hunter college where I took an acting class.
I was enamored with it, except not so much with my assigned scene partner- who seemed to lack my mutual hygiene rituals. We were assigned an act from Prelude to A Kiss- which is a romantic comedy (aka we had to act as though we were totally digging each other). Unfortunately I was not so much digging this guy on any level and was even slightly physically repulsed by him.
Still I soldiered on and we spent a lot of time together. At coffee shops, at his apartment, at my apartment, going over our scene, rehearsing our lines and as CRAZY as it began to seem, I started seeing him in a whole new light. I don’t know if it was me responding to the character (and not as the actress but as Melissa) but I actually began to look forward to our rehearsals.
I craved spending more time with him and I was convinced he was kinda starting to dig me too. And in the scene where we were supposed to kiss at the end- which I had originally NIXED that from our rehearsals- well I suddenly felt like we should add it back in.
I was supposed to be acting, but throughout the course of spending so much time pretending to like this guy- I actually began to like this very unhygienic guy. But while I was falling in love with him- he was not falling in love with me. He was clearly a much better actor, and was really just acting/pretending to like me.
Yet when we performed our scene and we kissed That was all me– that was me kissing him- but not, as I learned after- him kissing me. He was playing a role and clearly he was meant to be an actor as he had this ability to separate those two realities- something I could not do.
Melissa
Which brings me to the question at hand – Kristen Stewart is on location with her director and they are caught kissing- madly and passionately- and no it is not part of an onscreen love scene. But still the point being that they are in this little bubble, making this film, spending so much time with each other- fully invested in this joint project and I can see how such an environment could lead one to NO GOOD and to locking lips with someone with whom you are not in a relationship with (which is why I could never be an actress or work on location without seeing my better half).
A kiss is not just a kiss, a kiss is a sensual and very bonding experience- at least it is for me. But Kristen- perhaps when you locked lips with your director you were caught up in the moment- and maybe he was giving you pointers on how to act best in a scene? And as for the poor wife of the director whom you were caught smooching as Marilyn Monroe once said, “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
Melissa Chapman is the chief blogger at Married My Sugar Daddy, which you can find here.
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Comments
59 Comments so far
I think it is, I personally don’t just kiss anyone. Kissing is the most intimate thing to do, while sex can be totally meaningless. There’s something far more intimate in a kiss but I’m sure some people feel different about it. If you begin to feel an emotional connection to another person then it’s instantly cheating, those feelings lead up to a kiss. Always.
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The only people you need to ask this question is 1) yourself, 2) your partner if in a relationship.
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Yes unfortunately it is cheating….but my issue is that as a primal being, I do get attracted to other people….how to deal with that!
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How about kissing someone from the same sex if you’re in a heterosexual relationship? Still cheating?
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Kissing (more than just a peck) is definitely cheating. I don’t think that’s even really in question. Would you forgive it- that’s the question. I probably wouldn’t.
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to find yourself in a situation where it is even possible to kiss someone else is not a good sign! you wouldn’t be flirting madly with someone, leaning close to them etc if your partner was there. it is definitely cheating in my books.
it happened to me and was the end of a 3 1/2 year relationship. the pain and self doubt that it created in me was unbearable…..i am now coming out the other side but a kiss is never ‘just a kiss’.
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I would not kiss anyone on the lips but my husband and babies, but kisses on cheeks for all good friends and rellies.
Once I went to kiss “hello” my hubby’s mate and we both accidentally turned at the same time and ended up kissing each other on the lips! I don’t know who was more shocked, him or me!
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I think I would consider it cheating. I think I would forgive though. Not sure about forgetting…
My husband would definitely consider it cheating and there is no way he would forgive. He’s made that very clear since the very beginning of our relationship.
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I recently had to kiss someone other than my husband as part of an acting role. Our rule was that all rehearsal of those scenes was to take place in a public rehearsal space. It takes a lot of the spice and potential deceit out of the situation if there’s always an audience. Still weird though. Just part of the job.
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A quick peck for an old friend..NOT cheating…a full on make out session…CHEATING!
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To say it’s cheating if you wouldn’t do it in front of your partner is ridiculous. There are plenty of things I wouldn’t do or say in front of my partner, including most of the conversations I have with my girlfriends; clothes shopping (would you buy a $200 pair of shoes in front of your partner?); and, yes, the occasional flirtation. We’re human and sometimes you need a little flirtation to give your ego a boost.
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Absolutely I would buy a pair of $200 shoes in front of my partner! And he wouldn’t bat an eye lid either. Totally agree with the notion of if you wouldn’t do it in front of your partner than its cheating…speaking from personal experience.
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There’s a difference between “wouldn’t do” and “hiding from”. But, for the record, yes I would do all those things (including flirting) in front of my husband.
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100% agree!!
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If it is, then I’m in big trouble !
I kiss every female that I’m well aquainted with. Depending upon how well aquainted we are, that kiss could be on the lips or on the cheek. In some instances that kiss might turn into a handshake or a casual “hello”.
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Bradley, I had to smile when I read your post, when you mentioned you kiss women on the lips that isn’t your partner.
There’s been more than one girly round table I’ve been party to, where we bemoan the non boyfriend mouth kisser. Complete with our extreme antics to try and casually, so as not to give offense, avoid the said kiss. Turning the cheek just moments before the man’s lips are about to reach their target.
Worse still are the mouth to mouth female kissers, that aren’t family members (even for some, that is creepy).
I’m personally for keeping the lips designated for those that I would like to do other wonderful physical things with. Or with much loved family members in a brief hello/goodbye sense, even then I’ve been known to inadvertently turn my cheek.
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I should clarify that the “lip kiss” is never more than a peck, and only given to fellow peck-right-back-at-you types.
As I indicated, it’s a how well we know each other thing.
I’m not some kind of kinkmeister, you know !
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Sure, Bradley, you say that now…
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It’s true, it’s true….I tell ya !
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I don’t think Kristen Stewart was rehearsing scenes.
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Yep, I gotta agree with that!
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I think a yes or a no is too black and white for me. To me it comes down to what sort of relationship you have, honesty and trust.
If my partner drunkenly kissed another girl, I’d be pissed but i don’t think I’d end almost 10 years together then and there. And if I did it to him, I don’t think he would either.
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And yet, I would dump him in a heartbeat.
Definitely a complicated question!
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I heard somewhere once – on oprah i’m embarassed to say – would you do x conduct if your partner was standing there? I mean, it’s not always this black and white, you probably wouldn’t have a flirty conversation with the barista making you coffee with your partner there – but that really isn’t going anywhere. But i dont think many of us would kiss someone else with our partner standing there – so i think makes it a definite no go zone.
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If you wouldnt do it in front of your partner its cheating.
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Definitely cheating in my books.
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My rule of thumb: if you don’t want to tell your partner about it, it’s cheating.
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Was about to write exactly the same thing. You can cheat without even touching another person because you’re emotionally involved with them, just as you can kiss for your job (like acting) or have an open relationship (where both partners are a-OK with it) and it’s not cheating.
If you’re lying or keeping it secret – it’s cheating.
PS: Can’t sign in.
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Agree!
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I guess kissing can be cheating yes. Although could it also be a drunken mistake? I think I would eventually forgive my boyfriend if he went out, got really drunk, kissed someone else and immediately called me/told me how sorry and upset he was.
He told me that he wouldn’t care if I kissed another girl, as long as he got to watch hahaha.
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Is it cheating?
Would you do it if your partner was standing next to you?
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For my partner and I yes. We would both consider this cheating.
If I saw previous partners doing this, I would call it cheating.
I am very physically affectionate and he isn’t. So when I used to get drunk I would hug everyone all the time, have my arm around people, sometimes complete strangers I befriended for the night.
He found this very uncomfortable and upsetting and asked me not to do it. I guess if I saw him doing the same thing, I wouldn’t like it either (an ex used to do this, so I understood after a few fights)
If you are wanting to be kissing another person, sober or drunk there obviously is a reason behind it.
Then there is emotional cheating. That is a WHOLE other ball game that I cant even imagine to get my head around or draw a line without my morning coffee first!
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You need to ask yourself: would I be doing this in full view of my partner? Or with my partner’s full knowledge? If the answer is “no”, then you are most likely cheating on/betraying your partner. Or think: if I walked in and saw my partner locking lips with someone else, would I shrug it off, or go ballistic?
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Neither. Just walk away and don’t look back.
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If you’re in a relationship then the desire to kiss someone else is not a healthy sign.
Pretty sure Kristen and he got up to more than kissing though?
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Well the paps never got pics of anything more
Though I don’t we should ever assume “more” was going on.
If it was yourself caught kissing, and that’s all that happened, you probably would appreciate people assuming you were having sex with the guy/girl as well, if you weren’t.
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I don’t know about that. There have been lots of times when I’ve been in a relationship that I’ve had a passing hankering to kiss a guy who wasn’t the one that I’ve been with. I think the pertinent thing is not following through with the desire. Different maybe if you’re spending nights and weekends fantasising about how much you want to make out with a person, but just occasionally getting a flash of ‘Bloody hell I’d like to kiss that guy,’ is okay as long as you don’t do anything about it.
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I recently did just this. I kissed a man other than my partner when pretty…well, drunk. My partner says I cheated on him. I know I did a wrong, destructive thing, a betrayal of trust, but the word “cheat” comes with connotations beyond this. When someone says to me “My partner cheated on me.” I assume we’re talking about sex. I do not consider I cheated on my partner but he does. I’m worried my partner will tell people I “cheated” and they will assume I had sex. There should be a word for kiss-cheating.
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he’s right.
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I have been on the other side of this coin and I can guarantee you it’s cheating. My partner got wasted one night and kissed another girl, someone he knew as a friend.. I cannot tell you the immense pain it has caused me and our relationship. It is beyond what you would think. You question your relationship, what is wrong with you, how did this happen, why me? I completely lost my confidence, my trust for my partner and much, much more. One year on and we are only just starting to get over it and move on, however he is banned form every seing that group of friends again. The humiliation was huge and the judgement from others, mainly women, was heart breaking.
Don’t underestimate the pain a kiss can cause.
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I’m really sorry to hear how hard it’s been for you, Leah. My partner’s been really broken up too and I know that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would be too. I hope You’re feeling better now and your partner has managed to make you feel again.
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“There should be a word for kiss-cheating.”
I disagree, kissing is cheating.
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Please don’t think I’m not terribly remorseful. It was 48 hours afterwards before I could eat again. (Not because I was hung over – because the guilt was twisting my insides. I just lay in bed.)
And don’t think I haven’t been on the receiving end of cheating many times. My (then) husband slept around a lot and once I had the pleasure of actually walking in on a boyfriend in bed with a woman I thought was my friend. I was so upset, I withdrew from my physiotherapy degree because exams were coming up and I didn’t think I could face doing them while heartbroken. I never did finish that degree.
I just don’t think what I did ( two quick kisses in a public place) should be lumped in with what they did.
But since so many people of this forum agree, I will accept that kissing is cheated and that I cheated. Let me reiterate though, that a lot of people think “cheat” means sex and that every time my partner tells someone I cheated, I fear they will think I had sex with another man. I fear I will lose the blessing of my partner’s family and friends if they get that impression. If he and I get married, people will only think, as we make our vows “She had an affair”, and not be happy for us or believe we have a future.
I should at least be punished for what I did, not what I didn’t do. Do you see why I wish my partner would stop telling people I cheated on him and start telling them I kissed someone else? At a certain point, it’s just plain defamation.
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“every time my partner tells someone I cheated”
Why on earth would your partner want to share this piece of information with anyone?
It is your business and his. If he wants to go on with you and repair things, he can’t go around sharing this info.
If he left you, he could say what he wants.
If he’s staying with you but going around saying this, break up with him – he is just out to punish you.
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I dont know how any actress can kiss George Clooney and it not be considered cheating.
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Because, secretly, he’s thinking of his uomo in italia!
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I had to google that one! Oooooh juicy!
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Oh God yes…..mmmm…..Clooney.
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A kiss is definitely cheating in my opinion. It’s a betrayal of trust and respect for ur partner. I would consider even thinking about cheating (ie considering having an affair etc) as a betrayal of trust.
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“Way, way back many centuries ago, not long after the Bible began, Jacob lived in the land of Canaan, a fine example of a family man!” Thank you for getting some Andrew Lloyd Webber stuck in my head this morning, Melissa
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I thought the same thing!! I saw a production of Joseph for the billionth time recently and have had the songs stuck in my head since. Hence, I thought I was going crazy when that’s what the intro was haha
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Its never just a kiss. I’d be more worried about the actions that lead to the kiss.. If that makes sense?
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if you wouldn’t tell your husband/boyfriend about it, then yes it’s cheating.
small scale but still cheating.
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Yep, I think this is a good way to look at it! If your boyfriend/parter/husband wouldn’t want to see it, it’s cheating.
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Is it ever just a kiss? No.
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Except when it is! Once upon a night out, I was introduced to my flatmate’s stunningly beautiful and gay male friend. We got along really well and talked the whole night and quite a few tipples later I blurted out “You’re the most physically beautiful man I’ve ever met!” and he open-mouth-kissed me! Which then turned into a pretty decent make-out session
However, the night eventually ended with him going home with a random guy … oh to be young again!
In all seriousness, I agree with Sandra below: it’s not the action that matters but the trust – if you do something with someone that you would be hesitant to tell your partner then you know you are doing something wrong.
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A kiss isn’t just a kiss. Or it can be. It isn’t the act it’s what it is to the honesty of your relationship.
If you have this sort of relationship:
http://www.mamamia.com.au/relationships/i-dont-believe-in-monogamy-nor-does-my-wife-a-swinger-tells/
…it’s not cheating because there’s no dishonesty (and an awful lot of trust).
But to more traditional relationships a kiss is quite a betrayal. Sometimes even flirting can be cheating if you’re getting something out of it. Flirting with that cute guy at work makes us feel more attractive and who doesn’t like the giggle stomach that comes with it, but if our husband was doing the same with an attractive woman we wouldn’t be comfortable with it. Maybe cheating is in the eye of the beholder.
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Off-topic I know, but I love that phrase, “giggle stomach.”
Even though I’ve never heard it before, it truly describes that excited feeling you get! When I was first dating after my divorce, I just loved getting “giggle stomach” when kissing a new guy!
(I actually have a theory that this is the reason why some celebs marry so often – they expect the giggle stomach to last forever, and when it doesn’t, they assume they are no longer in love!)
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