movies

Mamamia recaps Netflix's Holidate: This is a truly terrible movie and I shan't stop watching it.

WE'VE MADE IT.

It's the time of year where Netflix releases its Christmas content, including many truly terrible yet so, so great, original movies. AND WE COULD NOT NEED THIS MORE RIGHT NOW.

OOH, we're starting with Holidate and Emma Roberts is not happy about arriving at her family Christmas alone.

She sits at the children's table and her entire family scolds and/or makes fun of her for being alone.

Hahahahaha a single woman in her late 20s, so funny. So original. So progressive.

Watch: the trailer for Netflix's Holidate. Post continues below video.


Video via Netflix.

It's very confusing because Arizona from Grey's Anatomy is Emma's sister. Why are you Chicago? Don't you have babies to save in Seattle?

Oh. Kristin Chenoweth is Emma Robert's drunk aunty and she's brought a Mall Santa to family Christmas.

He's a 'holidate', she explains: "You know, someone you bring home for the holidays."

Over at... another house, is Jackson a.k.a Kmart Hemsworth meeting the parents of a woman he's... 'dating' but really, just f***ing. It's very clear he's a f***boy and goodness, this is going to be fun.

Kmart Hemsworth made a classic mistake. He believed the woman when she said they weren't doing presents.

"Oh, so you know me well enough to come in my mouth but not get me a Christmas present?" she says IN FRONT OF HER UGLY CHRISTMAS SWEATER WEARING PARENTS.

YUCK. Image: Netflix. 

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I am cringing so hard I think my soul just left my body.

Back at Emma's, her brother proposes to his girlfriend: "I know it's only been three months, and six heavenly days, but I feel like I've known you my whole life". DUDE, THIS SEEMS... QUICK.

There's not even any celebrations, because Emma's family is the worst. 

"Two down, one to go!" her mum yells. Emma's just like, 'FML'.

OH. We're in a mall now, and Kmart Hemsworth is trying to return the ugly pants the woman who he definitely wasn't dating gave him.

"Excuse me, Crocodile Dundee," Emma says from behind him, waiting to return the ugly pyjama pants she was gifted. Dundee. Again, so original. So funny. Hahahaha.

Image: Giphy. 

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The store won't offer refunds, so they team up to make a bargain with another person in line. I know these movies aren't known for being realistic, but has anyone EVER spoken to someone else in a store line?

Especially Millennials. This is fake as hell.

They leave the store and run into Kristin Chenoweth's Mall Santa which again, MAKES NO SENSE. SANTA IS NOT AT THE MALL AFTER CHRISTMAS. 

But whatever, it's a detail required to move this storyline along and God, do we need it. Emma explains the concept of 'holidate' and you can practically see the lightbulb go off above Kmart Hemsworth's head.

New Year's Eve is coming up and they both need dates because Kmart Hemsworth is over 'casually dating' and Emma's mother is ANNOYING AS HELL.

OH. We learn Emma's name is Sloane. I'll... probably just call her Emma. ¯\_(ヅ)_/¯ 

It's NYE and this party actually looks lit. Do we still say lit? 

Image: Netflix. 

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Kmart Hemsworth is like, "your tits look exceptional" and Emma is like "thanks, I know right".

They get drunk and bond over their hate of rom-coms which is so funny because they're starring in a rom-com!! 

Emma switches dresses with a girl crying in the bathroom because she spilled wine on herself. She is worried her partner won't propose if her dress is ruined (because that's... a thing) and her dream was the get engaged on NYE. 

She returns to the dancefloor with Kmart Hemsworth and a new dress and 'I Had The Time Of My Life' starts playing. The dancefloor parts way too eagerly and they do the Dirty Dancing lift. 

It's... actually, no, let's swiftly move on, please.

IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY.

Emma doesn't have a date and her family are being a***holes, again.

She's at the mall - have these people not heard of online shopping? - and runs into her hot French ex and his new girlfriend, who is allegedly way younger than her. They look... the same.

OH LOOK, KMART HEMSWORTH IS HERE.

Image: Netflix. 

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He pretends to be her boyfriend to save her from embarrassment and she thanks him by feeding him chocolate and definitely not giving him a hand job. 

Now it's St Patrick's Day. This has long been renowned as a romantic, couples-orientated holiday, of course, so they need a date to get obnoxiously drunk at the pub with.

Emma's entire family is there for reasons that remain... unclear. Is it so they can once again grill her about her relationship status? Probably! We love that!

Will you date my sister so she isn't single forever yes/no? Image: Netflix. 

Turns out Kmart Hemsworth is a pro golfer (sounds fake but ok) and has been teaching Emma's brother golf. Important information.

EASTER TIME.

Kmart Hemsworth has been invited for Easter... lunch? Is this a thing? 

Her mum is not a fan and invites their hot doctor neighbour to join them, hoping to set him up with her. 

We're 40 minutes in and finally learning about Kmart Hemsworth's ~trauma~. It's supposed to explain why he's a f***boy, but it's... lacklustre.

His ex-girlfriend dumped him and broke his heart so he's now just like, 'ugh, commitment'. A really mature way to deal with emotions, dude.

Ooh, it's Cinco de Mayo time and they do many tequila shots together. Emma wakes up on the floor of Kmart Hemsworth's place in a bra and his underwear.

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Pre-undie swap(?). Image: Netflix. 

Neither of them can remember what happened so they just... go on as normal. And by normal, I mean they continue to only hang out during holidays despite both being otherwise friendless. 

It's Mother's Day. In what world does one need a date for Mother's Day? 

They go to a lunch with Emma's mum and... not her siblings. She's typically rude and obsessed with her daughter's love life. Eugh.

They troll her mum by pretending they're going off to the bathroom for sex and THIS FAMILY IS SO WEIRD. 

It's Fourth of July time. Yikes, there's a lot of holidays. I'm tired. 

They go away with Emma's... family and other miscellaneous extras.

Kmart Hemsworth blows his finger off with a firework and this is supposed to be a grown man. Whatever. Everyone's too drunk to drive except Emma who... can't drive.

They zig-zag their way to the hospital and oh, what do you know? Hot neighbour is the doctor!

Kmart Hemsworth's finger is reattached and he's all like, "thanks for taking care of me". They... linger, and OOP, this is where they each realise they're ~in love~.

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But you guys, there's 50 MINUTES LEFT. Wow. That's... long.

Image: Giphy. 

Kmart Hemsworth is invited to Emma's brother's wedding which happens to be on Labor Day - a holidate day.

They each individually speak to the only people in their lives about the "vibes" and "shift" in their relationship and it culminates in Kmart Hemsworth blurting out: "so we'll both bring our own dates?"

DUDE. YOU ARE AN IDIOT.

Emma brings hot doctor and Kmart Hemsworth turns up with... Kristin Chenoweth.

SHE IS THE GROOM'S AUNTY AND WOULD BE INVITED TO THE WEDDING ALREADY. IT MAKES NO SENSE. I'M SO MAD ABOUT THIS.

Emma and Kmart Hemsworth fight on account of him maybe getting it on with her family members. 

The bride and her dad then dance to inappropriate songs which I feel was meant to be a joke but is mostly just really confusing. 

Kristin Chenoweth hurts her ankle and hot doctor comes to her rescue. 

Oh. They're into it.

Emma and Kmart Hemsworth make up, just in time for Halloween.

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They go to a party dressed as pirates and - this is important - Emma takes an antacid. They run into Emma's ex and his new girlfriend who is... pregnant. Very pregnant.

Emma realises this means they had sex on Valentine's Day and she didn't and EMMA, SWEETIE, THEY WERE DATING AND YOU WERE SINGLE. CHILL.

BUT NO. She's sad and mad and oh, sh**. Literally. Because that antacid was actually a laxative.

I AM SO SORRY BUT THIS MOVIE DID NOT NEED TO TAKE THIS KIND OF TURN.

IT WAS BAD ENOUGH BEFORE THE MOMENT SHE SH** HERSELF.

HOW DID WE GET HERE?

Emma is sad in bed and Kmart Hemsworth tries to make her feel better by saying: "You know, technically, we've all been shitting our pants since we were born."

NO. SIR. WE HAVE NOT.

"Let me tell you about the time/s I too shat my pants." Image: Netflix. 

Somehow this... works because they finally sleep together. 

UH OH. Her sister a.k.a Dr Arizona Robbins is here and she kissed Kmart Hemsworth's one friend at the party last night. 

She's married so that's... awkward.

The movie then turns into this Spiderman meme where Arizona and Kmart Hemsworth are like... "I should... go..."



IT'S THANKSGIVING.

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This means we must be near the end. Please. Please.

Emma's mum sends her and Kmart Hemsworth to the supermarket because she burned dinner.

Kmart Hemsworth tells Emma he likes her and she's like "whatever, man" even though she obviously likes him too.

"You're trying so hard not to feel anything, that means you're lying to both of us, and that makes you an asshole," he says. Ooof. 

They are FULL ON SHOUTING in a supermarket but no one else is looking at them. Ridiculous.

Back at Emma's family home, Emma accidentally lets slip her sister kissed Kmart Hemsworth's only friend just as her husband walks in the door and OH SHIT, Kristin Chenoweth's Thanksgiving holidate has a full-blown heart attack.

They go to hospital and it turns out hot doctor is the only medical practitioner in the city. 

Basically, Kristin Chenoweth and hot doctor confess their love to each other and it's lovely, blah, blah, blah, can we get back to the main storyline so this movie can END.

Image: Giphy. 

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Deck the freakin' halls, it's Christmas time again. We've made it. 

Emma and her family are at the mall, again, because of course they are and guess who they spot? Obviously Kmart Hemsworth! Duh!

Chicago is a huge city but there is only one mall. 

Emma's family is like, "go get him" and she takes off like she's a 12-year-old boy in Love Actually and he's an American girl going back to his homeland.

Emma is shouting "Jackson!" (I forgot that was his name lol) and he's not hearing her, so a gospel choir performing is like "JACKSOOONNNNNN" to get his attention.

Everyone goes quiet and he's like, wut?

Emma grabs the mic and confesses her love in front of everyone. She messed it all up because she was scared of her feelings and she actually wants him on all holidays but also weekends and weekdays and nights. 

How sweet.

Jackson's like, 'yeah, nah'. 

PSYC. He runs to her and they kiss in front of the entire population of Chicago, who all happened to be in the city's only mall.

IT IS. Image: Netflix. 

 

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FINALLY OVER. Image: Netflix. 

WE MADE IT.

Emma and Kmart Hemsworth visit Australia, Kristin Chenoweth and hot doctor get engaged and Emma's mum will hopefully shut up about her children's relationship status for the rest of eternity.

Was that the worst? YES.

Was it way too long? YES.

Did I love it? BIG YES.

Feature image: Netflix.


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