'For years, I was considered a sociable 'party girl'. But I was living a dual-life.'

The conversation around alcohol use has changed. It’s no longer the case of ‘you’re an alcoholic or a social drinker’. We now know there’s a spectrum. We call it the Grey Area or Alcohol Use Disorder. 

I didn't identify as being an alcoholic. I believed the stereotype that an alcoholic was someone who drank in the morning, woke with trembling hands and had lost everything to alcohol - their job, home, family and more. That hadn't happened to me. I was high functioning. I still ran half marathons for goodness’ sake! But I knew I drank too much, I knew alcohol was impacting me negatively but everywhere I turned, I was hit with the message that I ‘deserved’ my evening wine, alcohol was fun and something to look forward to. It was confusing.

Watch: Here are just some of the effects after one year without drinking alcohol. Story continues after video.

For me, I was always a binge drinker and found moderation impossible. I used alcohol as my one and only tool to deal with life’s challenges – stress, anxiety, overwhelm, loneliness and boredom. I had extensive rules around my drinking (sometimes I stuck to them and sometimes I didn’t) and there was constant chatter in my head around alcohol. I looked forward to the nights I could consume it and was resentful and disappointed on the nights I couldn’t (driving, kids, work commitments). But still, I didn’t know what to call myself because I still didn’t identify with the alcoholic label.

I didn’t realise alcohol was sending my anxiety through the roof and eroding my inner worth and confidence. I was living a dual life – half kale- eating yogi and half binge drinker. I was always flipping between the two, exhausted, guilty, full of shame and self-loathing.

I know now that I was a grey area drinker. Not at rock bottom, in fact, externally functioning well at life – but alcohol was taking away FAR more than it was giving back. Are you a grey area drinker? Here are eight signs you might be one.

1. You make rules about your drinking, and often break them.

You have strict rules you set each week about your drinking (only after 5pm, not on a Monday or Tuesday, only two glasses, not at home on your own, only with food, no spirits during the week, only at lunchtime on weekends), but you often break them and ALWAYS find a justifiable reason to do so (it’s a birthday, I’ve had a hard day, I’m on holiday, I’m really stressed, I deserve it). You are constantly thinking about your drinking and setting rules that you feel make it ‘acceptable’ but you find these rules impossible to stick to.

2. You secretly worry, fret, and regret.

You may wake up at 3am with your heart racing as you try to recollect what you said or did the night before. The worry that you did something shameful is overwhelming. You may use alcohol to then ‘take the edge off’ your anxiety the following day but it makes it worse (it’s a vicious cycle).

3. You’re all or nothing.

You may swear off alcohol altogether and go on an extreme detox plan. You may attempt to have one glass of wine but finish the bottle. You are all in - or all out. Nothing feels moderate or in control when you start drinking.

4. You find it hard to stay sober for long periods.

You may swear off alcohol ‘forever’ after an especially shameful night or a whopping hangover but three days pass and you are back to drinking. Drinking has become a ‘relationship’ you can’t get out of – even though deep down you may know you need to quit entirely.

5. How much you ACTUALLY drink is a secret.

Only you know the extent of your drinking and how much you have. You may lie about how many drinks you’ve had or hide empty bottles. You may hide alcohol in the house or have a secret stash to ‘top up’ between regular social drinking.

Listen: The Quicky hosts speak to a woman who has hit rock bottom and find out how she managed to see a way out of the alcoholic fog. Story continues after podcast.

6. Your drinking doesn’t look like THAT much of a problem.

You may have a reputation as a party girl – but that’s what everyone loves about you. It might go too far at times but not many people think it’s a problem. You appear to ‘let your hair down’ at events but most people don’t see it as an issue. To the outside world, you appear ‘fine’.

7. You live with a constant internal ‘chatter’ about alcohol.

It’s like there are two voices in your head. The one that wants you to be sober (because remember what happened last time you drank?) and the one that wants you to ‘live a little’. You hear a constant chatter between them and this internal battle goes on, and on.

8. You’re a long way from rock bottom but alcohol feels like it’s robbing you of life.

There’s a feeling inside that even though alcohol isn’t destroying your life, you know it’s taking things away. That might be inner contentment or self-worth. It might be confidence and pride. It might be energy, or being present with your kids. You know it’s taking up space in your mind - and your life.

After years of trying (and failing) to moderate my consumption, I made the decision to remove alcohol from my life altogether in April 2019. I’ve never looked back. In 2020, I re-trained as a Grey Area Drinking Coach and through my free Facebook community of sober curious women (join HERE) and through my quarterly alcohol free challenges; I have now helped thousands of women to change their relationship with alcohol too and experience all the benefits of breaking the grey area drinking cycle. 

To know more about Sarah, visit www.sarahrusbatch.com.

Feature Image: Supplied.

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