'As someone with both, can we please stop using #boymum and #girldad?'

Does the gender of your child make your parenting experience harder or easier? More fun and exciting? More rewarding and meaningful? To be honest, the only experiences I can speak to are my own.

My male-born toddler is more rough-and-tumble and enjoys testing boundaries. My school-aged child who is self-identified as female likes talking back and emotionally manipulating me.

Are those behaviours due to their gender? No. I don’t pat myself on the back just because I have a son. And my husband doesn’t flaunt his participation in "girly" activities.

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As a millennial who grew up with internet culture and saw the rise and fall of various social media trends, here’s why we need to stop using #boymum and #girldad.

It’s the wrong way to confront gender stereotypes.

As humans, we instinctively desire a sense of belonging. Whether it’s using hashtags, hosting a gender reveal party, doing personality quizzes or reading our horoscopes, we like categorising our experiences so that we feel we are part of something bigger than ourselves.

But the problem with categorising a child based on their anatomy is that it creates harmful expectations for how they should or should not behave.

Most parents who use these hashtags have good intentions. They’re trying to prove a point that they are breaking gender norms by actively engaging with their opposite-gendered child.

Traditionally, dads don’t dress up with their daughters and mums don’t get their hands dirty and play in the mud with their sons. So when a parent does these unconventional things, it should be celebrated and announced to the world, right?

However, when someone is blatantly proud to defy gender stereotypes, it actually reinforces them. Being conspicuous about your efforts makes what you’re trying to confront even more obvious. For instance, praising a dad for allowing his daughter to put make-up on him actually emphasises that boys shouldn’t wear make-up.

Labels limit a child’s self-expression and perpetuate gender stereotypes. A child’s gender does not determine their unique personality, traits, values, beliefs and identity. Having male genitals does not mean they are supposed to play sports or crash toy cars. Having female anatomy does not mean they are supposed to enjoy making crafts or playing in their toy kitchen.

When a child doesn’t meet these gender expectations, they can feel isolated and lose their sense of belonging which is the exact opposite of the intent of these hashtags.

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#GirlDad is a mask for toxic masculinity.

When I see someone use this hashtag, it makes me think they want everyone to know that they are taking care of their female child even though they believe society values males more. It reinforces a patriarchal view of the world.

They’re proud that they’ve taken the risk of hurting their masculine egos by participating in activities that are often considered feminine such as braiding hair, hosting tea parties, playing with dolls, and pretending to be princesses. Although they can’t play with cars, hit things and throw a ball around, they’ve made the best out of their situation.

But what’s so bad about the situation?

Are you more special and deserve extra validation because you are a male and you have chosen to actively participate in your daughter’s life?

No. If that were true, applause for parents would be heard across the world every minute of every single day for the rest of eternity.

Spending time with your child, and getting to know their hobbies and interests are things all parents should do regardless of gender.

Using #BoyMum is not a badge of honour.

The #BoyMum is an indirect blow to all mums. The messaging of #BoyMum means they have it way worse than mums with daughters because they have to separate fights, listen to poop jokes, smell farts, clean up mud, boogers and other of disgusting things, and hear about superheroes, video games and cars all day.

It’s like a badge of honour a mother gets to wear because they’re able to deal with the masculinity of boys. It perpetuates the stereotype that boys are rambunctious, aggressive, noisy and dirty and need their mamas to reign them in.

Is it harder for a mum who has two sons than for those who have just one? What about having a set of twins? Where does it end?

On the flip side, it assumes that mums with daughters have it easier because girls are stereotyped as polite, clean and well-behaved. However, obviously, girl mums don’t have it easier.

Every child is different and comes with their own set of parenting challenges. It’s not healthy or fair to compare our experiences. Some days are more difficult and some days are relatively uneventful. But we all get those days that seem to make it all worth it. And it’s not based on the gender of our children.

Ultimately, we can all raise respectful and strong children without genderising the whole experience. So let’s end these hashtags, once and for all.

Katharine Chan, MSc, BSc, PMP is an author, wife and mum of two. She writes stories to empower individuals to talk about their feelings despite growing up in a culture that hid them. You can find more from Katharine on her website or podcast or you can follow her on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or YouTube. 

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