baby

'When I found out my second child was a boy, I didn't think I would ever be okay with it.'

You stare at those two lines on a test, and that is when your world changes forever. Once you find out you’re growing a life inside you, everything is different. 

People will take it upon themselves to touch your growing belly, constantly comment on your size, and the biggest question on everybody’s lips, 'Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?'

Some women are open about what gender they want, some women don’t mind if it’s a boy or girl, and some women will keep it to themselves, set on the genders they want for their children.

Some choose to find out the gender, so they can hear those three words that will add to the joy of pregnancy.

But for some women, this moment will send them into a spiral of grief, disappointment, and HUGE guilt. 

I know this because this happened to me. I am sharing my story with you so you know that what you're feeling right now is valid, and it’s okay. 

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My children are my world, my life revolves around them, and now they are all here and a part of our family, I wouldn’t have them any other way. They are who they are meant to be. 

But there was a time when I was set on what I wanted out of life. A good career, marriage, and babies - specifically three girls. But when I found out my second child was a boy, I just couldn’t see through this new plan for my life, and I didn’t think I would ever be okay with it.

To give you some background, I grew up with a brother and sister. Our brother was much older and circumstances meant we weren’t close, and that still remains today. Sad I know, but it is what it is. 

But me and my sister, well we fought, but we were (and still are) best friends. People would always ask if we were twins, and we would always play up to that. That’s what I wanted for my three girls, sisters to share their everything with.

My first pregnancy was a breeze. I went for my 20 week scan, knowing I would hear the words 'it’s a girl' and I did! I was in a bubble of being a newlywed and it was the start of a journey to my idea of a perfect family. 

Eighteen months later, I got pregnant with baby number two. I was absolutely convinced that it would be another girl. I went to my scan and heard those three words, 'It’s a boy'. My whole world came crashing down. 

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My perfect idea of what I imagined as my perfect family was gone. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I was in denial, praying the sonographer had got it wrong.

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I went back and forth between grieving for the family I had convinced myself we would have, and a mammoth guilt that ate away at me, because I had a life growing inside me, and for that I should have been grateful.

Of course I was grateful, but I couldn’t see past the relationships I had with the significant men in my childhood and couldn’t see how this new plan would fit into my life. 

I convinced myself that my daughter and son would grow up not being close, not being best friends. 

The few people I confided my guilt in assured me it wouldn’t matter once he was here because I would love him just as much as I loved my daughter. But I couldn’t believe them, I couldn’t see through my own grief and guilt. I just couldn’t see it.

Then he was born. 

This perfect little tiny baby, this perfect little boy. And he was mine. With 10 fingers and 10 toes. 

All my ideas about how my family was meant to be changed in an instant. It didn’t matter to me anymore that he was a boy; it didn’t matter to me anymore that I wouldn’t have three girls, because I had one perfect girl and one perfect boy right in front of me. 

And let me tell you, this little boy (along with his younger brother) is the biggest mama's boy. He constantly showers me with kisses and tells me he loves me a million times a day. 

And his relationship with his big sister? They are absolutely the best of friends along with their younger brother who slotted himself in to our already wonderful family to make it even more wonderful.

My idea of a perfect family was just that, an idea. My family is how it is meant to be, a plan for us I didn’t know we needed, and now, I couldn’t imagine having anything different. 

So for those of you suffering the intense guilt and grief, please know it’s okay. Gender disappointment is real and your feelings are so valid. 

It’s okay to grieve the idea that you had of how you wanted your family to be. Grieve as much as you need, because as soon as that baby is placed in your arms, as soon as the child that you grew inside of you looks at you, it won’t matter. 

That tiny perfect baby will be your everything.

Jules is a stay-at-home mum to three children and one on the way. She found a passion for writing after suffering a miscarriage last year. She is hoping to undertake a Masters of Journalism this year. Jules shares her thoughts on her blog  www.thatparentinglife.com. You can also find her on Instagram @that_parenting_life.

Feature Image: Supplied.

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