It’s pastry week!
Wait, what? Again? Haven’t we already seen pastry this season? We’ve had the choux episode…then pies….is there more?
DAMN RIGHT THERE’S MORE. Because how many ways can you stuff butter into flour and bake something in it? NOT ENOUGH IF YOU ASK ME.
FIVE BAKERS LEFT. ONE TO GO TONIGHT. LET’S DO THIS.
The bakers have two hours to bake 12 miniature savoury pastries so basically they’re turning the bakeoff shed into the cocktail party OF YOUR DREAMS. Mini things. Mini delicious things baked in pastry. All we need now is a glass of bubbles in hand, and waiters carrying food while I hover near them with crazy canape eyes and I will TRULY feel at home.
The judges, Maggie Beer and Matt Moran, know that their job is about to get harder.
“I’m looking for something I can pick up and have a bite” says Matt, absolutely nailing the brief of being a judge. Well done Matt.
Maggie says something but I don’t hear it because I’m just agog at her earrings. Are they cookie cutters? Are they silicon baking moulds? They’re something alright. They’re magnificent.
With half the Bake Off shed empty, the bakers are trying all the tricks in the book to spark the show up a little. James is cooking his pastry with suet. “I love suet and it needs to have a comeback!” he says enthusiastically.
“It’s not cool anymore and I want to bring it back and make it sexy!”
Suet: A hard fat found in the loins of beef and sheep.
Not to be outdone, Jasmin says she wants to bring Vol au Vents back. She’s not even taking the piss either. And just as I’m starting to wonder what’s wrong with her (has she been sipping the verjuice?) She drops THIS:
And a thousand country bakeries’ hearts break.
Thankfully, good old country gal Angela is there to lift our hearts with her sausage rolls. Hurrah. And Sian is making something vegetarian which is a genius move when it comes to pastry because it allows the eater to think they’re doing something healthy for themselves. And Suzie Sparkles The Magnificent is making a pastry that us humble pie eaters haven’t even SEEN before called Maznik. She’s a magician and she makes it out of whipping a tablecloth in front of the judges. The judges just about fall over themselves for her magic trick.
Neither one of the judges has ever seen a pastry made out of a tablecloth and they are duly impressed and Suzy gets gold stars from everyone except whoever is on laundry duty and now has to get the oil out of the linen.
It’s a Maggie Beer recipe which is enough to strike fear into anyone. And this week it’s something called a “Pattivierrrr”. Is she making up words now? First verjuice then pattivierre? I Googled it. It’s a French pie with crepe baked into it, spelled pithivier. Like someone got too juiced up on the old French Chardonnay and decided to combine two of the most excellent foods known to humankind.