movies

The etiquette question that runs through everyone's head whenever they go to the movies.

I shan’t be going to the cinema again until we all sit down and have a long overdue chat. 

It’s to do with what I shall call: The Cinema Dilemma.

And The Cinema Dilemma for a woman can be broken down as follows: Bottom or vagina?

Every single time I need to do a wee mid-movie I am faced with a philosophical conundrum regarding which way I face.

We're shook.
You know what? I'll just wee in my seat.

Do I put my bottom in someone's face or my vagina and breasts? What. Is. More. Polite? Does one make eye contact and offer a subtle nod to the person who is inches from the vagina? Or does one face away, greeting a human being with their butt hole in close proximity?

Both.

Seem.

Rude.

Emily Post, an early 20th century etiquette expert, wrote in 1922, "in passing across people who are seated, always face the stage and press as close to the backs of the seats you are facing as you can."

The self-proclaimed Queen of etiquette, June Dally-Watkins agrees.

"If you walked along facing people, your knees would be hitting their knees, you'll be looking them in the eye and it would be very embarrassing," she says.

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According to Dally-Watkins, you're meant to hold onto the seat in front of you and say in a posh voice 'excuse me PLEASE' and 'THUNK YOU," with a very polite smile as you shuffle your bum along the laps of powerless theatre-goers.

But Ita Buttrose, who wrote an entire book on etiquette says f*ck no. 

She reckons that putting ones bottom in ones face is a bit, well, bogan, and is all for the vagina orientation.

But who made Emily and June and Ita the boss of all the rules?

I am now the boss of the rules and here's what you should know. 

Face the movie so you don't miss anything, and acknowledge no one while you put your bottom in their face

With a bottom in someone's face, you're completely anonymous.

Don't acknowledge them because you're trying to be invisible and dissipate this mutually unpleasant experience.

Try not to kick over any drinks/step inside handbags/trip over particularly large feet, but if you do then just speed up your pace (run) and don't come back. You can always see the rest of the movie another time.

Whatever you do, don't walk with your hip in their face, facing towards the end of the row. That makes you a dickhead

Jesus.

Make a choice, at least. Vagina in face or bottom in face. Don't ever try and walk normally towards the aisle and take up twice as much room like a douchebag.

This way, you will most definitely kick innocent people in both of their feet, destroy low-lying snacks, and bump everyone's knees while they're doing that awkward 'trying-to-make-knees-disappear' manoeuvre.

If you are a man, your penis is not to be in my face under any circumstance

No. 

That's not where it belongs. 

If in a rush/under stress, a woman is permitted to go vagina first. Mostly because it is not actually vagina, but mound. And mounds are relatively inoffensive.

If you are a man you need to not position your penis in front of theatre-goers faces for a number of reasons that can basically be boiled down to: I don't want it.

Don't accidentally touch someone in the row in front

It will give them a shock, especially if the movie is scary.

And when you need to wee, your mission is simple: Upset as few people as possible.

Good luck.

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