Warning: This post features images that are Not Safe for Work. They are also Not Safe for Fishtank.

There are some things that you just know to be true.

One of those things is this: Fish are not sexy.

But as some German fish enthusiasts will tell you, that’s a load of carp.

Meet the sexy carp calender.

And when we say sexy carp calender – we don’t mean fish in bikinis.

We mean women in bikinis (or wearing nothing) holding large fish. You know, internet prawn. Like this:

You don’t need to be a brain sturgeon to work it out: a big juicy dead fish, held by a seemingly nonplussed woman in a tangerine bikini. They’re not being koi.

The calendar, known as The Carponizer (which sounds like an Arnold Schwarzenegger film from the early 80s) is designed to promote carp fishing in Germany.

On their website they describe the calender as a ‘treat for men’. Yes, a TREAT. They say on their website:

Heart beat faster, indeed! What a treat it is to have the op-perch-tuna-ty to see women holding dead fish against their breasts:

And of course it was released just in time for Christmas. The beautiful union of the human and fish form is cod’s gift to everyone.

And if it ever goes missing, check whether it has been stuck up in the darkest corner of your fishtank. The fish are naked too.