Anyone who says they haven’t experienced some kind of hilarious sex disaster is not telling you the truth.
Sex can be fabulous, but let’s face it: two naked, sweaty bodies trying to be in perfect sync? Well, it’s just not going to happen every single time.
Everybody grows up thinking sex is always like what they see in the movies. There’s a bedroom filled with candles. Beautiful silk sheets on a king-sized bed. A man carries a woman through the door. They kiss passionately for just the right amount of time, before he gently lays her down. They roll around for a while (I think this is meant to be the ‘foreplay’), before having absolutely no trouble figuring out each other’s various buttons and zippers. All of a sudden, they’re naked. The man lies on top of the woman and they start rocking in unison while she moans romantically and he looks lovingly into her perfect eyes.
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You may sometimes get close to that scenario (although never the buttons and zippers – no matter how perfect a sexual experience those will always be a struggle), but most of the time something embarrassing/awkward/hilarious will happen and it will remind you that not all sex is perfect every time. In fact, it’s often quite mortifying in a hilarious kind of way. But nobody ever mentions the awkward parts, so all we ever get to see is movie-fantasy sex. And aint nobody having all the movie-fantasy sex all the time.
So, in the spirit of confession, allow me to share a couple of my embarrassing sex moments(which may or may not have occurred on several occasions):
1. I was once in the middle of some pretty passionate love-making when my worst nightmare occurred: The Fanny Fart. When it happens to you for the first time it’s quite a shock. Front-end flatulence? WHAT?
Obviously it’s not – it’s just a weird build up of air that needs to escape, but still. It’s mortifying. And the worst part? You can’t hold it in and you don’t know it’s coming. It always takes you – and your partner – by surprise.
2. I was with a new guy once, we’d been waiting quite a while to, you know, and when we finally decided it was time to do the deed, I closed up shop. My hole actually just disappeared. I was really turned on, I really wanted to do it, but for some reason my nether-regions were just not cooperating.