Anyone who says they haven’t experienced some kind of hilarious sex disaster is not telling you the truth.
Sex can be fabulous, but let’s face it: two naked, sweaty bodies trying to be in perfect sync? Well, it’s just not going to happen every single time.
Everybody grows up thinking sex is always like what they see in the movies. There’s a bedroom filled with candles. Beautiful silk sheets on a king-sized bed. A man carries a woman through the door. They kiss passionately for just the right amount of time, before he gently lays her down. They roll around for a while (I think this is meant to be the ‘foreplay’), before having absolutely no trouble figuring out each other’s various buttons and zippers. All of a sudden, they’re naked. The man lies on top of the woman and they start rocking in unison while she moans romantically and he looks lovingly into her perfect eyes.
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You may sometimes get close to that scenario (although never the buttons and zippers – no matter how perfect a sexual experience those will always be a struggle), but most of the time something embarrassing/awkward/hilarious will happen and it will remind you that not all sex is perfect every time. In fact, it’s often quite mortifying in a hilarious kind of way. But nobody ever mentions the awkward parts, so all we ever get to see is movie-fantasy sex. And aint nobody having all the movie-fantasy sex all the time.
So, in the spirit of confession, allow me to share a couple of my embarrassing sex moments(which may or may not have occurred on several occasions):
1. I was once in the middle of some pretty passionate love-making when my worst nightmare occurred: The Fanny Fart. When it happens to you for the first time it’s quite a shock. Front-end flatulence? WHAT?
Obviously it’s not – it’s just a weird build up of air that needs to escape, but still. It’s mortifying. And the worst part? You can’t hold it in and you don’t know it’s coming. It always takes you – and your partner – by surprise.
2. I was with a new guy once, we’d been waiting quite a while to, you know, and when we finally decided it was time to do the deed, I closed up shop. My hole actually just disappeared. I was really turned on, I really wanted to do it, but for some reason my nether-regions were just not cooperating.
My new man-friend was understandably concerned – I had basically turned into the equivalent of a Barbie below the waist. But what can you say? It just happens sometimes. One of life’s very inconvenient and embarrassing mysteries. Which leads me to…
3. The time he came in less than 30 seconds. That is not an exaggeration. Same guy as number 2, different situation. There’s nothing more awkward than lying in bed next to a guy who finished quicker than he (and you!) expected, especially when you’ve been waiting all day/week for some epic love-making. But again – it just happens sometimes. We laughed it off and tried again.
4. It once took me, and I’m not even kidding about this, EIGHT tries before I successfully got a condom on my partner. By the end I don’t think there was really much left happening to put a condom on, but by that point I was determined, damn it. I wouldn’t let him help because I didn’t want to let the bloody thing beat me.
I think it must have something to do with the laws of physics that when you need something to happen really, really quickly, everything will go wrong at once. You can’t get the packet open, you can’t roll it down, it won’t slide on, you rip it… Hello mood killer.
5. I’ve fallen off the bed. Many, many times.
So, what to do when everything goes wrong in the bedroom? Well, first things first, remember that not all love-making is going to be like the latest rom-com.
Secondly, don’t be embarrassed to look further into things that worry you. If my inability to get turned on had become a regular thing, I would have looked into it further. And my boyfriend may have only lasted 30 seconds once or twice, but if it had been a regular thing I would have encouraged him to see someone. There’s nothing wrong with talking to someone to make sure everything is in working order.
Finally, don’t forget to have fun! As long as you’re staying safe, keeping track of any changes and being totally open with each other, embarrassing sex shouldn’t be a big deal at all.
And don’t forget to laugh…
If you think you or your partner have premature ejaculation (PE) and it is affecting your quality of life and sexual satisfaction, talk to your doctor about how to improve control over ejaculation.
A.Menarini Australia Pty Ltd
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