BY EM RUSCIANO
Welcome to the jungle bitches. (The first part must be sung in your best Axel Rose voice, then, launch into Samuel L Jackson for the “bitches” part.)
Here is the first revelation; it ain’t hard for ladies to be getting sex. If you want sex sans authentic connection then you will never lay naked and alone in bed ever again.
Men want to have sex with you. They do. They just may not necessarily want to move in, get married and have babies with you. Some will, but most won’t. If you are willing to offer up the sweet boot-ay and not expect depth – ladies start your engines.
I don’t have too many straight men in my life, I have Dave Thornton (Comedian) my friend Lee Elliott (Model Slash Plumber) Rob Mills (International Playboy) and of course my Dad, Vincie.
You see, I am ready to start seeing people and if left up it to my Gay Mafia, I’d be single with six dogs and a hot pool boy from now until the time I am gin soaked and wearing turbans as a pseudo face lift.
I needed man advice, so I turned to the motley crew of heteros available to me.
I asked Vincie first: “Dad, how do I approach men I’m interested in dating”? He pondered this for a second and responded with:
“I don’t know about that but remember to karate chop a man in the wind pipe should he try to assault you. It knocks ’em down quickest and doesn’t leave evidence (bruises) in case you wind up in court”.
I politely thanked my father and made a mental note to never, ever (times infinity) ask him for romantic advice again.
Lee (Model Slash Plumber) said it was emasculating for a woman to ask a man out on a date and that I should just wait to be asked. If a dude wants to, then he will. I sometimes worry my very presence is emasculating to most straight men so I may be in a bit of trouble here.
Note: I’m not sure Lee is the best source of advice for me as he is offensively attractive and usually dates his female equivalent. They are a separate species to us and our rules don’t apply in their world. Think Avatar but with less blue people and more rock hard abs.
My cousin Dave said: “Double texting (sending one message and then sending another without waiting for a reply) is a sign of desperation, be cool”. This was in response to me taking quite a fancy to his best friend who seems to have an aversion to replying to my text messages.
Rob Mills said, “Don’t play games, just be honest about what you want. He will respect you more. Also – No muff.* Muff is making a come back. We don’t like that”.