I’m exhausted. We all are. But to wake to the news that two of our ‘own’ have died on the fireground – my heart is totally fucking broken.
I cannot imagine what their crewmates have experienced, how their station is going to process such a huge loss, and most importantly – their beautiful families. Wives have lost soul mates, children lost their hero Papas. It is pain that I cannot begin to understand. I never met these comrades, but they will always be etched into my memories of this horrid campaign of fire. I am so sorry for so many people that this has happened. We are all shaken. All of us.
I have cried most of the day today. Husband is out on a truck (again) – I thought I’d try to go do some shopping for Christmas. There was no joy in my heart as I drove down the mountain. I was ugly crying, shocked, and really angry. After stopping into a good mates workplace to compose myself before I got into ‘society’ – I was floored by the offer of financial assistance to put towards my measly dollars to Christmas shop for four children. I resisted. I cried again. I argued. I then caved and accepted help. How do you thank people for such generosity? I pulled myself together – let’s go get this shopping done. I am humbled.
At the shops – I was met by the gorgeous wife of a fella I went to school with. Her sweet, bright-eyed daughters were by her side. She pushed money into my hand. I cried again. I’m not worthy of such kindness. I hugged and kissed each babe on the head and looked each right in the eyes. Thank you, you precious family.
After wondering which doll to buy #3 for Xmas – I could buy both that I was conflicted between. It was a bittersweet moment.
I got the basic amount of gifts for the kids. I feel somewhat more prepared for Santa to visit in a few days. I cried some more. I’m so tired – we’re all so tired. I miss my kids and my husband.
I was then contacted by another friend who needed me to pick something up from her workplace. Figuring I still had time before the roads were blocked off, I popped in to see her. Well SHIT. I cried some more – her little team of office workers had wrapped and labelled some presents for my beautiful children.